Lindenwood University’s Belleville campus used to have a statue in anchored near the Welcome Center, but that statue was stolen because it’s St. Louis, and even weird statues anchored in concrete are no longer safe.

Investigators are trying to get to the bottom of an art heist in Belleville.

Not quite sure this counts as an “art heist”. We we think of art heists, we’re assuming an elaborate scheme to steal a Mona Lisa-type piece, and involve at least one hacker, one super hot chick, a smooth leader and one black dude to be the one that has to start a distraction when the shit goes down…not two assholes walking straight to it at 2:30am, pushing it over, throwing it in a ditch and then coming back for it with their truck.

Made of stainless steel and glass, it was nearly nine feet tall. It was the work of artist and Marianist monk, Brother Mel Meyer.

The sculpture was worth about $8,500, but to people on campus, it was priceless.

…eh, probably not “priceless”. $10 says most kids that go there had no idea that statue existed. Stealing is wrong of course (and pointless because rarely do thieves have nice high-ceiling apartments able to aptly contain an upright statue, so it’s just going to end up in the garage and Mrs. Thief is going to be all like “I don’t know why you steal these things if they’re just to to stack up with all those bread makers you stole back in the 90s!”) but it still seems like we’re putting too much greatness in to a sculpture that lived on the lawn on some remote campus of a local college in Illinois.

Belleville Police have been called in to investigate.

“Our initial thoughts are somebody wanted it for a gag or for the value of it, either resale or scrap. There’s any number of possibilities,” said Capt. Don Sax.

Well it sounds like there were just three, and we doubt that anyone’s going to try and resell or scrap it, so we’re down to the “gag” reason. If that’s the reason, it seems like it would be easier, and just as funny, to poop on it. Less lifting involved and the the only planning required would be a Taco Bell run.

via KSDK

The 19-year old pictured above wearing his awesome wig, Darrion Taylor, was recently apprehended at the Alton Shop ‘N Save by the store’s security guard and his off-duty policeman father who was visiting the store that the time.

Taylor was trying to sneak out the following pork products totaling roughly $44 dollars:

• 2 packages of Pork Picnic Roast
• 2 packages of bacon
• 2 packages of Oreos
• 1 box of Peanut Butter Puffs cereal
• 1 package of “meat”
• 1 package of port shanks
• 1 package of Bar-S Jumbo Franks

From the looks of it also appears homeboy was smuggling a few hams in his shirt, but he may have had them already as KSDK didn’t list them in the oddly intricate details they provided for some reason. $44 dollars worth of pork products and being busted by a father and son team is all it takes to “earn” a local news report these days? The KSDK report even had people calling the arrest “heroic”, despite describing the takedown as following the guy in to the parking lot, telling him to stop, and then pulling his chubby ass out of the car he tried to get in to. How hard was it to catch this kid? He’s a fat guy wearing a wig! This didn’t need an act of heroism and a prime-time KSDK report, it needed a box, some bacon, a stick and some twine:

Sure you might also catch a few Raccoons, but just tell the security guard to only pull on the twine if you see the glint of a cheap wig with blonde highlights. That will limit your catches to just Taylor and feral hookers that have escaped from PT’s

Taylor is being held on a $20,000 bond after it was found that he had been previously banned from the Shop ‘N Save before for stealing items such as various other food products and the sex drive of anyone in eye-shot.

via KSDK

Did you guys see the guy running around Dellwood Sunday night with a shotgun and wearing a hockey mask? Well don’t get too excited…it turns out that he wasn’t Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles extra Casey Jones as we originally thought. Meaning, one, that our autograph is seemingly worthless, and two, that he was probably the guy that robbed the home for mentally disabled adults around those parts. Sure, this is St. Louis, and there could have been two guys in hockey masks and shotguns, but we have a hunch that this was the guy.

A man armed with a shotgun and wearing a hockey-style mask stormed a home for mentally disabled adults late Sunday night and ran off with a small safe, police say.

The gunman herded three male residents and a woman caregiver into a back bedroom of the home in the 10300 block of Quaker Drive. He asked for one of the men by his nickname, then ransacked the home. He ripped the phone line out of the wall, then fled with a small safe that contained about $1,000 in cash, police say.

No one was injured.

Does this whole scheme seem to reek of effort to anyone else? When your target is a home full of mentally challenged adults on a Sunday night just before bed, do you really need the hockey mask and shotgun? Do you really think that you need the dramatics of pulling the phone out of the wall? Of course not! We all know that all this plan required was a to wear whatever you want, maybe some sweats because it was cool that night and it’s the weekend so stay comfortable. Then just walk in there, take what you want, and if anyone sees you just tell them that you’re new…or the safe inspector…or just tell them you’re just “an asian man stealing stuff” because the first thing out of your witness’ mouth will be “He was asian!”. Leave a picture of Jackie Chan behind to seal the deal. Seriously, that’s all it takes to rob a home full of sleepy mentally challenged guys. Even the photo of Jackie Chan seems like a lot of effort, so maybe just leave a stick figure drawing with a ninja costume, and if you think about it, leave your blinker on when you drive away. Straight up, the hockey mask and shotgun really are a bit too much for this job. That outfit is more suited for an 80′s bank robbery movie, or something you throw together to murder slutty high schoolers in the woods.

The white hockey-style mask worn by the gunman was similar to one worn by the fictional character Jason in the “Friday the 13th” slasher movies, the chief said.

Yeah, we know. We just made that very reference. If you’re not going to pay attention to our racist yet adorable rantings, there’s really no point in us continuing.

…plus we were out of stuff.

via STLToday

While trying to hunt down a stolen car last Friday, Lincoln County cops stumbled upon a car jacking savant out in Winfield, Missouri. Joseph Walker the 3rd is only 19, but he’s managed to display his skills in a way very unbecoming of someone who is “the 3rd” of anything.

The Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office Patrol Division had been attempting to locate an older model Black GMC Sonoma. The driver of the Sonoma was observed on surveillance camera several days earlier, both at Jack in the Box and Fast Lane in Troy, making purchases with a stolen credit card from one of the vehicles.

On Friday afternoon Lincoln County Deputy Deputies spotted the vehicle on Ridge Road and made contact with the driver, Walker and two other passengers. The contact led to the arrest of Walker.

Walker confessed to breaking in to over 160 vehicles over the span of one month.

160 cars in a month or just over 5 per day! That’s insane. We had no idea there were that many cars in Winfield.

Despite the fact that this all went down in Winfield, Missouri, some 50 miles away, the Mayor’s office couldn’t let this PR stand by, releasing a statement saying to the effect: “Got him! Well done Lincoln County Sheriffs Department, bringing down Joseph Walker the 3rd and ending his crime spree. Clearly this little bastard was also the doing all the car jackings in St. Louis too, so yeah! Who’s to say he wasn’t? Got him! We should be good now with the car stuff. Now the city will turn it’s full attention to the one guy that’s killing everyone and once we get him, things should be pretty kick ass around here. Slay 2013!”

One last note about Walker:

Walker stated he worked alone and implicated no other suspects.

So he’s covering for friends, or the kid is really really good at stealing from cars. We are no fans of getting our car robed, but, in a weird way…respect. Enjoy jail.

via KMOV

Ever been to a Radio Shack? No? Well don’t bother. They’re empty little stores filled with horrible cell phones, overly expensive cables and little portable black and white TVs that are totally pointless, unless you like watching Mr. Bean reruns on PBS through a haze of static on a 2.5-inch screen. No one wants to go in to a Radio Shack…well, almost no one.

The target of the vandals was the Radio Shack store in the 3500 block of Hampton Avenue near Potomac Street.  The bandits smashed windows in the store front around 1:15 Friday morning, then looted the business taking electronics and various components before fleeing in a vehicle.

Patrol officers spotted the vehicle a short time later near I-44 and Hampton and gave chase, following the car into north St. Louis where the alleged culprits abandoned the vehicle and ran into a nearby residence.

First off, show of hands on who was surprised they fled to North St. Louis? Yup, we aren’t either.

Radio Shack responded to the crime by releasing the following statement to Punching Kitty: “While we certainly don’t approve of the theft of one of our St. Louis-area establishments or the damage it left in it’s wake, we want to stress to the police and the suspects that you don’t necessarily have to just bring back the merchandise. Maybe you could just pay for it instead and enjoy our fine products while in prison, like that $14 dollar headphone jack splitter or the $50 HDMI cable (with gold tips!). Look we know the deal here, but it would be really helping us out if we made a sale. You didn’t even have to smash anything, you could have just asked and we would have opened the store late (we haven’t heard that door chime thing go off in months…we’re not even sure if it works) and let you in to buy stuff! Buy one thing and we’d look the other way on the other stuff. Seriously, it would be huge for us to make a sale…and a friend. Charges dropped if you just sign up for a 2-year contract on AT&T with a new Pantech phone!”

via KSDK

Over the last weekend a piece ran in the Post Dispatch about a guy that had his laptop stolen. With the help of exactly no one, he managed to locate the thief by logging in to his computer and trick him in to typing in his name and address. The victim gave all the information to the police who did…nothing.

Four days after the June 20 burglary of his Pennsylvania Avenue home, Van Almsick grew tired of waiting.

“It was like, man, this is happening right now! I can’t wait for them to check into it,” he said.

Armed with a video camera and accompanied by two friends, he went to the house indicated by the tracking. He confronted the man who had been captured on camera and offered a deal: Give me the computer back, and I’ll leave, no questions asked. He got his computer but never found his other items, which ranged from iPhones to TV sets.

“I’m totally annoyed by police,” he said. “I felt like I had to do their job for them.”

That annoyed feeling your experiencing is because you did do their job for them.

The report above is just one of several the article included, but the best part was the interview with St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom. Isom did an admirable job of saying the standard nothing, but unfortunately for him, we ran his comments through the Punching Kitty Translatmotron 2349234-9 (The extra nine is because this version also plays mini-discs. We got it at Costco.) and here are Isom’s comments quoted below, with the translation immediately following.

Begin Translation:

Police Chief Dan Isom said there are bound to be mistakes among the 140,000 yearly incidents the department handles. But he said his detectives do regularly take advantage of tracking software and GPS capability.

The problem, he said, is the result does not always come as quickly as people expect. Detectives take each incident and, in addition to investigating it, try to match it to larger crime patterns, which can take time.

Sure you have a photo of the guy as well as his full name and address, but what else do you have? How the hell are we supposed to wrongly imprison someone, dick around for three weeks so he can get away, or at least orchestrate a bloody shoot out in the street if you’ve got the guy red-handed? I mean, you did all the work, and then called to tell us where to go to pick up him and get your stuff back, the whole thing would have taken us 15 minutes! There’s the right way to do things, that then there’s this. What’s next? You gonna shoot the guy and text bloody photos of the aftermath to everyone in St. Louis all by yourself? I’d like to see you try!

[Isom] continued: “I certainly understand people’s frustration. I’ve been a victim of larceny myself.

Man I’ve got to move to the county one of these days.

Every crime is important to us,

That’s just something you say. Like how you say you love all your children the same, but we both know the one that plays with his trucks by repeatedly smashing them together is starting to get on your nerves and we both know he’s never leaving the house.

…but there’s a reality of looking at the number of crimes that are reported in the city of St. Louis…

We live in a crime ridden city, and I’ve pretty much given up on fixing it.

…and assessing which ones we have credible evidence to move forward on.

I forgot what we were talking about.

There are decisions we have to make each day about what we pursue.”

Look, flat out. Did you get stabbed or not? If you didn’t, you’re going to have to wait for a while…and by “a while” I mean it might be quicker to stab yourself and try to frame your laptop thief for it…also if you could transform yourself in to a little white girl, it wouldn’t hurt.

Do we make mistakes sometime? Certainly.

Like the time I said ok when you could ask a me few questions…

Is there miscommunication? Certainly.

For instance, I never pick up the phone when I hear it playing “The Bitch Is Back”! …oh, that’s my personalized ring tone for Mayor Slay…”Oh hey, like 30 more people died today, and like 1,000 more cars were stolen!” ….pffft! Always something with that guy!

But we use that type of information every day successfully.

At least I managed to get all my stuff back when I was robbed! The system works (for me).

via STLToday