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Editor’s Note: Here’s another great bit from guest contributor Lance (see his previous work here) If you have any interest in guest authoring a post here, drop me a line at editor@punchingkitty.com

It’s hot in St. Louis. Real hot. How hot? It’s so hot that:

* Forest Park has been renamed Savannah Park

* Talk 97.1 is airing a special on the dangers of Global Warming

* The Penguin & Puffin Coast attraction at the zoo is now a fried chicken stand

* The Blues just traded Erik Johnson for a lifeguard

* Mayor Slay just awarded Nelly the key to the city for his innovative plan “take off all yur clothes”

* The line at Ted Drewes is so long that… oh, wait, nothing’s changed there.

* St. Louis county is willing to merge back with the city in exchange for a bucket of ice.

* Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg just called back. They just mumbled “Uh, never mind… ” and the phone went dead.

* “A Goddam Fan” just won the Democratic primary for Kit Bond’s senate seat.

* The Kings of Leon have a new song “Hot Pigeon Shit Blues”

* Busch stadium concession vendors now just pour the beer directly on your head.

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First chess, now this.

From OzarkFirst.com:

The Gateway City is the most challenging place to live with asthma in the United States.

That’s according to a study by the Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America, which ranks St. Louis as the number one asthma capital.

This unfavorable ranking is being blamed on the lack of public smoke-free laws, the higher than average pollen counts over the the previous year, and an increase in asthma deaths.

Actually, this makes sense I guess.  If you had asthma it would be kind of a bitch to live here.  You can’t go to a bar in town without a burly gentleman standing next to you smoking like a chimney, and the pollen totally sucks.  

I feel bad for you asthmatic people in the summer, with the smoke and pollen, coughing your ass off at the bar while I’m in the corner with a couple of fine bitches eating chicken wings by the bucket and doing body shots of blue cheese and tequila off the ladies while a team of well-trained midgets give me back rubs.

I’m ready for summer.