Perhaps you’ve heard of the popular video and Twitter account “Shit Girls Say“, and if so you’re certainly aware that it spawned a whole series of “Shit [Some Subset of the Human Race] Say” videos which all suck so hard watching them is like someone took a spike, put it in their butt just a little bit, then stabbed us in our brain through our eye and swirled it around. That being said, people are still making them and the joke just won’t die. Hell local radio station The Bull put out their “Shit St. Louisans Say” video so late it the game it didn’t even remind us of a turd, but rather one of those little aftershock turds at the end and stick to your butt making you do a little wiggle dance to shake off.

This “joke” that everyone thinks they are good at is so horrible it must me stopped. What we need is some unfortunate looking woman in a wool cap to take this to it’s final level where it’s not what a group of people say, but rather what she, a singular person,  says. That, and that alone, might be what it would take to kill this threat to our internet humor souls.

It figures she’d be from St. Louis:

Here’s some shit we say:

- It’s ok to think of what you want to say before you start recording.

- Why do people think that everyone in St. Louis says highway names over and over again? Are these conversations really happening? You’re life sounds boring, so outside and get stabbed!

- How far do we have to throw this pack of hot dogs for you to not be able to find your way back after chasing it down?

Update: Sweet christ, there’s another one! He said Schnucks (we think) and mentioned the Rams so this is so what St. Louis people say! People from St. Louis always call girls “baby” and boys “bro”, and we love to eat chips. We can’t even count how often we hear “How much for the abortion though?” (NSFW) while walking down the street! Man this guy has us pegged. We haven’t seen someone with such a firm grasp on the minutiae of human nature since Jerry Seinfeld.

(Watch out for this video, it has dirty language. Which is just what we say in St. Louis! We love dirty language!)

Its happened to us before and we’ve heard this more than a few times, so congratulations, its a pattern now St. Louis: We have retarded kids running around barking at people.

Oh we’re sorry, are you not familiar? Let us share how this usually goes…

Us: Hey! You made it.

Them: Yeah, no problems…well we got barked at, but other than that.

Us: What?

Them: We were driving down the street and some guy barked at us while waiting at a stoplight.

Us: What do you mean you were “barked at”?

Them: …we were barked at. Ruff ruff! Some guy leaded out his window and barked at us. Really weird.

The description for the barkers is always, and sadly, the same: 3 or 4 black guys in a car. Same goes for the barkees: 2 – 4 white people in a car. Settle down you alarmists out there…that’s the facts, plain and simple.

Seriously, barking at people?! What are these people thinking?

Our guess? I seems like the kids are trying to scare someone or get a rise out of their target, and frankly most of the time they probably succeed. But barking? Here’s a tip, if you want to scare someone barking’s not the way. The idea behind getting a rise out of someone is to surprise them, if you surprise them with how fucking retarded you are, that’s not really the point. If the goal is to try to get a rise out of a certain race, which is how it comes off, then congratulations, you’re a dirty racist. Good work. Way to be progressive. Fuck you. You’re not Dave Chappelle making some interesting and funny comment on race relations, you’re just making it look like everyone St. Louis is overrun by morons…which to be fair, isn’t far off, but we’re trying to keep this crap a secret and you’re blowing it.

There can’t be that many “barkers” in town, but it has to stop. This kind of shit is not helping any of the following issues with St. Louis:

1. People not wanting to visit the city.

2. The general belief that if you grew up in the city’s school district you are clinically retarded, no matter how smart you started out.

3. Lingering racial stress.

Lets get together St. Louis and stop barking at random people and while we’re at it stop giving in what “barkers” are left roaming the streets. Here’s what we did when we were barked at a few months ago: Dude walked past us on the sidewalk and we made eye contact, but before I could do the traditional head-nod of “I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but hey, hope things are going well for you.” he leans forward and barked in my face.  We didn’t even blink as he walked past. See, he didn’t realize it, but we’ve seen a black person before him and were unafraid, just like if a white guy barked in our face…same thing.

…now if a Puerto Rican barked in our face, we would have probably wet ourselves, but a black guy? Come on. That’s just silly.

Editor’s Note: DMX picture above because we think he started this some how. To be clear DMX is now a nobody filming his Behind the Music while being one of the thousands of washed up stars that found Jesus a starting a ministry. Congrats DMX, you are now in the same category as Daniel Baldwin!

St. Louis Health Care fights on YouTube:

Here’s an idea.  Everyone needs to shut the hell up and lets have a conversation like adults.

Morons on both sides are yelling at kids, telling them to “get a job” (college is a job), taking swings at old ladies and constantly talking over each other like five year-olds.  God you people suck.