Update: We had a super-quick Twitter interview with the man himself. Check it out below!

St. Peters motorists yesterday evening were shocked after their eyes focused on the lilly white blur in the lane next to them. A naked dude on a motorcycle was seen heading east down Interstate 70, around the Cave Springs area, presumably heading MidRivers Mall or possibly Costco since jeans are really cheap there.

“Nobody was upset with it. Actually, there were quite a few people who, let’s say, were quite excited by it,” Wilson observed.

No word on who the mystery man is or why he was riding in the nude. [It has been] speculated that it may have been related to the hot weather or part of a dare.

Of course it was a dare, the real question is why the hell would he choose to fullfil said dare on 70 during rush hour as Mr. Naked Daredevil, like everyone else, got caught in a traffic jam. Even then, no one really seemed to mind since even being stuck next to this is better than rolling up next to the crazy-haired old fat lady shoveling down McDonalds in one hand and talking on the phone in the other.

One day later and his identity is still a mystery. He has no identifying marks and none of the photos show any plate numbers on the bike. All we have to go on are a helmet, some shoes and the bike itself. If anyone knows who this is, send him our way! We’ve love to ask him a few questions (anonymously of course). We got our chance! Here’s our quick Twitter interview with St. Peters’ naked biker:

Now it’s left to St. Charles’ no-fun patrol to go around and find this mystery man. St. Peters police are already sweeping the area, finding blue motorcycles and hesitantly sniffing the seats for that sour, incriminating man-ass sweat smell…which is now yet another reason to sell that bike or at least throw that seat away as soon as possible.

via KMOX

Yesterday morning, a trailer flipped over on Highway 70 at the Mid Rivers Mall exit in St. Peters, spilling it’s cargo of what the police think were bratwurst.

After the tractor-trailer exited off eastbound 70 onto north Mid Rivers Mall Drive this morning, it overturned, spilling some of its contents, which St. Peters police believe to be bratwurst.

So they aren’t sure if they were bratwurst, but they believe them to be bratwurst.

“Larry, scoop one of those up and give it a taste. What are those things? … Come on just do it. … Aww. He wouldn’t do it ya’ll! …alright, we’ll just say they’re bratwurst.”

Police also believe there is no irony to the fact that wieners were spilled all over a place called St. Peters at the current time, but they are looking in to the matter and will get back to us right after we “grow the hell up and stop calling here giggling.” It looks like it may be a while.

Lastly, how great of a band name would “Wiener Spill” be? You’re welcome.

via Suburban Journals

The guy that ran in to the St. Peters church screaming and knocking over people the other day, has blamed all of his actions on fake pot. Yup, fake pot. Had to have been the fake pot. Oh and let us guess, he ran in to the church to get help right?

Police said [Dustin W. Ostmann] told them he had smoked a sythetic marijuana called “Knock Out.” They said frightening hallucinations led him randomly to the church to seek help. Once there, though, he ran screaming through the halls, pushed down a 14-year old, threw a table at a 71-year-old and assaulted a 61-year-old, police said. They said the final assault victim restrained Ostmann.

…bingo!

So lets get this straight, Dusty here lit up the fake “Knock Out” pot, started trippin’ balls, and so he hopped in the car and drove to the local church for help. Not to the hospital, or a friend’s house, or a just not driving anywhere and just waiting out the “Knock Out”…a freaking church. What was the church going to do? Was Dustin hoping for a medieval church possibly? Did he assume one of the old folks he knocked down was going to have some leaches on them?

Seriously though, that fake pot sounds like a great time. Nothing like lighting up a pouch full of god knows what only to hallucinate, hope in our car and somehow not kill yourself just long enough to end up in a church with a 61 year old man on top of you. Priests are going to by this stuff in droves! “Knock Out brownies in the rectory! Free for all alter boys!”

via STLToday

You really can’t fault a man for executing a perfect plan. Drive up to a church, nearly hitting the building, hop out and run screaming in to the building knocking old people out of the way until the police arrive. Apart from forgetting to lick Jesus’ nipples on the crucifix statue, this plan went off without a hitch!

Officer Melissa Doss, a spokeswoman for St. Peters police, said the man arrested also pushed another person while inside the church, laid hands on a third person and verbally assaulted another.

The man was held down until police arrived, Doss said.

The sad thing is that if he would have just worked the phrase “God hates abortions!” in to his ramblings he would still be a free man as it would have been impossible to tell him from the rest of your average hard-core parishioners.

via STLToday

The Mayor of St. Peters saw some guy spit chewing tobacco on the sidewalk in front of city hall and it started his quest to ban the spitting of tobacco juice. That quest ended last Thursday.

If you live or work in the city of St. Peters and you’re out in public – no more spitting tobacco juice on the ground.

The St. Peters Police Department says they’ve had trouble with spitting in the past, and they say they even see people spitting who are waiting in line at the courthouse.

St. Peters is in St. Charles County. St. Charles County has, in our experience, a lot of gentlemen that enjoy the “chew”. How has the Mayor not know about or previously seen this?

Frankly all these cities that are banning smoking have brought the plague of chew on themselves. When  you ban smoking, the next obvious step for the nicotine junkie is…smokeless tobacco! This is like every action movie sequel ever when the hero finally beats his nemesis and then finds that the guy that took their place is far more horrible than the original nemesis, and is supposed to smell like mint but actually smells like something mint pooped, ate again and then threw up…and leaves Coke cans of the juice around that are tolerable until you accidentally knock one over and it spills on the couch so now every time you sit on it smells like you are sitting on a fat guy in a bowling alley.

We’re also wondering how the tons of cops that “dip” will be handling all the paperwork for the arrests on this new law they won’t be making.

via KMOV

We remember going to the St. Peters Rec-Plex back in the day. They played on song seemingly over and over again all day: “The House of Stone and Light” by Martin Page. You know the song…the one with the thing and the guy singing. Yeah, you got it. Anyway, great place for a kid though despite the constant repetition of one-hit-wonder mid-90′s Stonehenge anthems. The ice skating, the big water slide, basketball courts, having 29 year olds with Amish beards getting to second base with 10 year olds in the hot tub….wwwwhhhhhhhhaaaaaaatttt?! Was that a repressed memory or a thing that recently happened?! Tell me blockquote! Tell me!

Authorities say the alleged abuse happened on October 1st and was reported by another visitor at the pool. The visitor told police she could not see exactly what happened in the hot tub, but she reported what seemed like unusual behavior between 29-year-old Kevin Weckherlin and the 10-year-old girl.

According to a probable cause statement, filed in court, the girl told the investigator that Weckherlin touched her under her swimsuit in the hot tub.

I  know what you’re thinking: Is this Martin Page’s fault? Did the Rec-Plex’s incessent playing of “In the House of Stone and Light” cause this man to molest a little girl in freaking public?!  …No…well maybe a little…just kidding, no…but Page does say he is waiting for a little something:

Come the day I awake the child inside
In the house of stone and light
And when I go I will op – open my eyes
In the house of stone and light

Is the “house of stone and light” the Rec-Plex…is it the hot tub? Is the “child”..well, the child? Did Kevin Weckherlin “op-open” his eyes? Is Page referring to this very event some 16 years before it took place?! No, homeboy’s a perv. A very stupid perv.

via KMOV