In what had to have been one of the most embarrassing police reports filed in at least the last few years, two St. Louis officiers detailed how they were conned, robbed and then duped again by a 25-year old woman named Tonia.

Tonia Rene Hart, 25, of the 5400 block of Blow Street, told police that her boyfriend had stolen her keys after an argument. The officers drove Hart to her boyfriend’s home, two blocks away, and left her in the cruiser while they went inside. They found no keys.

Police learned from Hart’s receipts that she had used a bank card belonging to one of the officers. It had been stolen, they determined, along with another bank card and $50, from the officer’s police bag while they were inside the boyfriend’s home investigating her call for help.

So then you shouldn’t leave strange women in your police cruiser then with all your valuables and guns laying around? Lets just be happy she only wanted the ATM card. Isn’t the second major usage of a police car to hold and transfer bad people? Why would you just leave your stuff laying around? We hope this cop mentions this story to someone that has had their car stolen downtown so that they can give him the old STLPD standard “Well you really shouldn’t have left your stuff on the seat.” speech as if that somehow makes it your fault some meth head smashed your window with a brick.

Oh, wait. Maybe the officer told Tonia she could take his debit card, bail out of the cruiser and  run to the gas station for a gas/cigs/lotto refill.

“I did not authorize the defendant to take my wallet and authorized no purchases,” the officer wrote in the probable cause statement.

Gotcha. We were wondering why you’d write a report on something you said was cool, so thanks for making that clear.

To give the cops a little slack, it is clear that Tonia is a criminal mastermind, as she managed to escape her capture, making the cops chase her a second time. She’s clearly well on her way to “Arch Villan” status now. She just needs to scrape a costume together and think of a more menacing name than “Tonia”. Something horribly vile and yet worthy of building an evil brand-awareness campaign behind, but understated enough to not be too over the top. May we suggest Ashlee, with an extra e’s instead of the “y”

via STLToday and the Tip Line

Apparently there is something in a Family Dollar store than has some value: The safe.

Thieves used a tow truck to yank a large safe from a Family Dollar store early Monday morning, police said.

Police said it was unknown how much money was in the safe.

We’re betting is was mostly dollar bills, half of which were wadded up and probably wet for some reason. The other half smelled like menthol sadness.

While this is clearly not good for the Family Dollar establishment, it is potentially great news for the patrons as the store’s inventory of dented food products has surely just exploded!

The police found the truck abandoned and burnt out near by and don’t have any other leads. However, our investigation in to this incident has lead us to one eye witness that claims the tow truck was being driven by four grade-school aged poor children who were stacked on top under a trench coat. Apparently their rage was fueled by the crappy Christmas gifts their parents purchased at this very Family Dollar a few days earlier. The ungrateful little bastards thought that if they were only going to get a knock-off Barbie doll, some “fun putty”, and yet another cheap bouncy ball then they should stick it to the man by destroying the ball, throwing away the putty and getting the $3 dollars their parents spent in their pocket. …The girls say they are keeping the knock-off Barbie though because it’s a good decoy for their brothers to destroy while leaving her actual Barbies alone.

via STLToday

There’s a “Peeping Tom” terrorizing South City neighborhoods creeping outside people’s windows and hanging out in alleys furiously jacking it. Even worse, he’s dying for that eye-contact.

The man has been spotted several times in the 7600 block of Virginia Street performing a solo sex act.

Residents say the man would stand outside people’s windows performing a sex act on himself, and those residents say has been happening for weeks.

The suspect is described as a tall man in his 30s who usually wears a baseball cap. Residents say he peeps in their windows waits to make eye contact.

The best part of this write up is that KMOV likes to type the word “residents” about as much as they don’t like to type the word “masturbates”. Here’s how they worked around it:

…performing a solo sex act.

…performing a sex act on himself

…doing this

Well played. We weren’t 100% sure what you are referring to there, but he was either “romancing the bone” or blowing himself, and we’re eliminating the later as it’s a myth and made us hurt our neck in the process one fateful afternoon. Throw in the cost of the tennis racket we had to buy to make our injury excuse even remotely believable and…well long story short: Had to get a girlfriend.

As for the “Peeping Tom”, being city residents, most people are probably just scared for a little at first when they glance down the alley and think he’s an old-timey mugger bending over and loading one of those old muskets…but then they realized he’s moaning a lot more than anyone did in the movie the Patriot and they relax. Today isn’t their day to die! It’s just a dude spanking the monkey in an alley, and while geting shot with the “wadding” in that gun is gross, you’ll live. Such is life in St. Louis.

Oh and if the police need some help looking for some creepy local that gets off on any kind of attention no matter how horrible, we’d start with a few members of the sports media and various radio talk jocks.

via KMOV

Watch out everyone! Tough guy coming through! Brandon Welch, 20 (but apparently going on 12 by the looks of that photo) needed some money and he tried real hard to make it the honest way. He wanted to do some yard work, and even asked a whole two times before deciding to just get a mask and go the home invasion route on the only person in St. Louis his little ass thought he could take: A 80 year old lady in a wheelchair because she lost a leg to gangrene.

They say Brandon Welch, 20, knocked on the woman’s door, asking her if he could do yard work.  She said no, but that short exchange was enough to give the robber a good look at his victim — a woman he didn’t expect to fight back

“And I heard WHOMP,” she said.  “He kicked the door in!”

“He said ‘I want your money,’ and he’s going all through the house, and he knocked me out of the wheelchair,” Charlotte said.

Scary stuff, and it all happened in broad daylight giving further proof to the theory that St. Louis is so inept at stopping violent crime that the criminals don’t even give pause before kicking down someone’s front door.

The bad news for Welch was that he looks like he’s about 11 years old, and no matter who you are or how many limbs you’ve lost everyone’s pretty sure they can take someone on that looks 11.

…but she climbed back in (to her wheelchair), ready for a fight.

“He was going back toward the bedrooms and I was going after him, and I was hitting him in the back with my fists telling him to get out of here!” she said.

While the two struggled a neighbor called 911 after witnessing Welch kicking in the door. The police got there in minutes and managed to take down the perp…probably by flicking the lights on and off, threatening to take his video game privileges away and yelling his full name while accentuating his embarrassing middle name.

Officers, you’ve now met Lil Brandon Welch, what do you think of him?

Police describe this as one of the most egregious crimes they’ve ever seen.

“I think he’s the lowest form of life on this earth,” Sgt. Stone said.

And to think, all he had to do was to look at the lady and say “Grandma!? It’s me! Why don’t you remember?!”…and then start crying to the cops. That totally would have worked, or at least made everyone pause just long enough for a good head start.

via KMOV

No, no no. This isn’t some symbolic deal where we say Mayor Slay found the beaten body of a nearly dead spirit of St. Louis on the sidewalk that told him he should probably do a little more about the crime. Mayor Slay actually found the beaten body of a nearly dead guy on the sidewalks of South City.

Mayor Slay said he was traveling along South Grand Boulevard near the intersection of Utah Street in south St. Louis when he came upon a man who had been assaulted. The man was lying in a pool of his own blood on the side of the street and was unconscious.

His Mayorness waited with the man and kept repeatedly coaching the guy up with “So you ran in to a door right? …or maybe fell down some stairs? Lets go with the door one, ok? You really gotta watch out for those doors buddy! Such a klutz!”  while the emergency crews sped to the scene.

So who did this? The Mr. Mayor see the perps?

According to Mayor Slay, he noticed a group of youths walking away from the scene.

The Mayor didn’t get a great look, but he’s pretty sure he saw these two youths commit the near murder and then escape in a metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

Now lets bring in the professionals to tell us the motive behind the brutal beating, but keep in mind they have no one in custody and have maybe one witness.

Officials say the violent act was part of what is known as the “knockout” game. It is an ongoing problem that left a 72-year-old man dead in south St. Louis last April.

Again with the “Knockout Game”! We’re starting to think that “Knockout Game” is St. Louis code for “We have no clue why this random horrible crime happened, so lets tie them together somehow.” If we don’t know, or think it has anything to do with young people, just assume it will be eventually labeled as “Knockout”.

As for the man himself, he’s had to go through facial reconstructive surgery, but is recovering and should be fine after lots and lots of time and he finally manages to get the mayor to stop sending him “I’m Sorry” flowers with “Vote Slay!” buttons on them.

via KMOV

This morning people were crying over the traffic as it ground to a halt because of yet another truck spilling it’s payload all over the highway and the aroma the payload left behind.

A truck lost a load of onions on I-55 just north of the 7th Street/Park exit, north of where [I-44 and I-55] merge south of downtown.

After clearing the onions themselves off to the shoulder, crews called in a street sweeper to clean up the juice left over after hundreds were run over by vehicles. Apparently onion juice is very slick.

First we had the mayo spill in February, then the bratwurst spill in April and now the June onions? So far, the Missouri truck drivers’ plot to make a giant spilled-on-the-street sandwich in 2011 sounds delicious! Someone tell the cheese truck driver he has until August and the bread guy we need him to drive through around November.

We’re not trying to be picky, but if someone could hijack a Grey Poupon truck, we would really appreciate it. Totally makes the sandwich.

via KMOX