A man was  shot in Wentzville’s St. Patrick’s church over the weekend and the police are ruling it as an accident, which is just so St. Charles County. Sure people get shot out there too, just like in the city, but out there it’s always “My bad! Junior’s still a learnin’ about the safety! He’ll master it by age 5 like his daddy!” rather than a 45 year old prostitute gunning down some crackhead trying to steal her stash.

According to reports, a trivia night fundraiser for a cancer patient was wrapping up with approximately 165 people left cleaning up, moving chairs and clearing the tables. ”As things were winding down some balloons were being popped and during the popping of the balloons there was a pop that was unrecognizable and there was a victim of a gunshot,” said Wentzville Police Chief Lisa Harrison.

Initially the police detained every attendee of the gathering that were still at the church, searching and questioning each one until roughly 3am. The police later decided the incident was an accident when the shooter came forward Sunday morning after seeing the news coverage. Seriously, he didn’t come forward because he shot a random bullet through a church hitting someone, but because he saw the news coverage. Even if you somehow weren’t aware that it hit anyone and instead just knew you can fired off a random shot, wouldn’t you come forward regardless to make sure you didn’t do something horrible like…well hit someone in the chest while they were attending a Saturday night church trivia night fundraiser for a cancer patient?!

The victim’s condition is unknown at the time of this writing (though hopefully he’s doing well) and more specifics about the case should be released later today after the St. Charles County Prosecutor’s office has time to go over the report and decide on charges. In the meantime, some people thought about doing a new trivia night for the guy that was shot at the last charity trivia night, but felt like it’s too soon right now because the questions and answers are still pretty fresh in everyone’s mind. Plus no one’s too wild about the location they used last time. They should try to find something even less likely to take a bullet in than a Catholic church for the next one…maybe something like a baby animal petting zoo, or an all cute asian baby orphanage.

via KMOV

It’s a question that pops in to the heads of many a St. Louis area resident: “Should I should that guy over there?” It’s not always an easy question, so going forward, use this handy flow chart to decide.

The original version had a part where it asked if you were from a drug-addled neighborhood in North City, and if so, proceed directly to “Shoot him!” but we took it out because if people from drug-addled neighborhoods in North City can’t read, so there’s really no point.

[Editor's Note: Click here for a direct link to a full-sized, readable view.]

A St. Louis man was walking down the street when he was robbed and then shot…in the dick.

Officials say that the victim was walking west on Dr. Martin Luther King Drive when a maroon van occupied by a group of black men stopped. The suspect exited the van and demanded property.

The suspect took a bag from the victim containing a wallet and a camera before firing shots at the victim, striking him in the groin.

The victim is in stable condition and should be fine, but is this really where we are headed St. Louis? Shooting people in the dick? That’s just not cool at all. You don’t shoot people in the dick man. Everyone knows that. Everyone. Oh this asshole even shot the guy after he gave up his wallet! What kind of bullshit is that?! “Give me your wallet! Ok. [Dick shot]” Was his dick going to memorize your van’s plate number? Was it going to track you down in a revenge killing? Where you worried that one day in the future the guy would make a baby that would some day grow up and avenge his father’s wallet? …hmm, that last one might be a little valid…no, no, still not cool. Closer, but not cool.

You should never, ever shoot a guy in the dick…unless he’s really pissed you off or something or his dick was about to do something sneaky like hit a silent alarm or whatever. Other that those two things though…never! Maybe rape…ok, add rape on there. Those three things though, and that’s it.

You’re better than that maroon van thieves of St. Louis.

via KMOV

We haven’t had Imo’s Pizza in a while, and it sounds pretty good…not sure if it sounds “leg shootin’ good”, but good.

The unidentified officer had been working in uniform as a security guard at the Schnucks, 3431 Union Boulevard. The St. Louis Police Department had approved him for that second job.

At about 5:20 p.m. Sunday, he went to an Imo’s pizza restaurant at 3441 Union Boulevard. He adjusted his weapon and the gun accidentally discharged, police say.

Taking one to the leg at Imo’s while on a break from your off-duty security job at a Schnucks huh? Your mom was right that you would definitely get shot being a St. Louis City cop, but wrong that it would be all brave and wouldn’t involve you getting pepperoni grease all over your tie.

Though the wound was serious, the officer has already been released from the hospital.

via STLToday

There are some that believe, despite all the evidence to the contrary, like the dropping population numbers, the fact we have our own, albeit crappy, superhero, and that St. Louis’s crime issue isn’t as bad as folks like us make it out to be.

To those people, we present this, the saddest, craziest story we’ve heard of…so far this week:

In short, a group of people gathered in the street for a vigil for their slain family member and friend last week. During the vigil, cars pulled up and began firing shots at the crowd of mourners, prompting return fire from some attending the vigil, while others, like 21-year old Kiara Saffold, tried to run for cover, but during her escape she was hit by a car that just kept on driving. Kiara was in the hospital in serious condition and then died Saturday afternoon.

A murder, that led to a gun fight that led to a hit-and-run. Thank god these assholes were horrible shots or it could have been a lot worse. Maybe that can be our new tourism slogan “St. Louis: You’ve got a fighting chance because none of us are very good shots!”

Nah…we’re good on the crime stuff here in the city. Go ahead and book that extra aging early 90′s band for Fair St. Louis! You’ve earned the time to relax city government, and the Barenaked Ladies are here to take your cares away!

via KMOV

Prentice Nash was arrested for the fatal shooting of Wade Finch in a crime that if you closed your eyes and just heard the names you’d swear it was two chubby, rich white kids in sweater vests fighting over a Faberge egg.

Investigators believe Nash, whose home is in the 6600 block of Mignon, about a half-mile from the scene, killed Finch during a robbery attempt.

Nash is charged with 2nd degree murder, first degree robbery and armed criminal action.

One notable within the details of this horrible crime is that it marks the first instance of the “duck face” mugshot jumping from the realm of chicks (example…from a stripper of course) to dudes. Good for you Prentice! Practicing puckering now can only make any forthcoming jail time that much less “knife stabby” and far more “penis stabby”. Seems like a tough decision from this angle, but you’ve clearly made your choice.

via KMOX