There’s a “Peeping Tom” terrorizing South City neighborhoods creeping outside people’s windows and hanging out in alleys furiously jacking it. Even worse, he’s dying for that eye-contact.

The man has been spotted several times in the 7600 block of Virginia Street performing a solo sex act.

Residents say the man would stand outside people’s windows performing a sex act on himself, and those residents say has been happening for weeks.

The suspect is described as a tall man in his 30s who usually wears a baseball cap. Residents say he peeps in their windows waits to make eye contact.

The best part of this write up is that KMOV likes to type the word “residents” about as much as they don’t like to type the word “masturbates”. Here’s how they worked around it:

…performing a solo sex act.

…performing a sex act on himself

…doing this

Well played. We weren’t 100% sure what you are referring to there, but he was either “romancing the bone” or blowing himself, and we’re eliminating the later as it’s a myth and made us hurt our neck in the process one fateful afternoon. Throw in the cost of the tennis racket we had to buy to make our injury excuse even remotely believable and…well long story short: Had to get a girlfriend.

As for the “Peeping Tom”, being city residents, most people are probably just scared for a little at first when they glance down the alley and think he’s an old-timey mugger bending over and loading one of those old muskets…but then they realized he’s moaning a lot more than anyone did in the movie the Patriot and they relax. Today isn’t their day to die! It’s just a dude spanking the monkey in an alley, and while geting shot with the “wadding” in that gun is gross, you’ll live. Such is life in St. Louis.

Oh and if the police need some help looking for some creepy local that gets off on any kind of attention no matter how horrible, we’d start with a few members of the sports media and various radio talk jocks.

via KMOV

Albert Pujols, the famed Cardinal first baseman, is about to cash in on a monster contract and as you’d imagine that’s just fine with his agent Dan Lozano who could really use that 5% cut to pay off his debts and buy a bunch of hookers to bang. This and oh so much more, is according to Deadspin who received  a package in the mail full of nasty, verifiable things that Dan Lozano, the “King of Sleaze Mountain” has done.

Here’s the less than shocking parts: He’s a liar.

according to colleagues, people in the BHSC office took to calling him “Lie-zo.”

…he can’t handle money.

“As soon as he made money, he spent it,” recalls an acquaintance, who says Lozano would think nothing of dropping thousands of dollars on dinner, most of it on wine, and would think even less of dropping thousands of dollars on women for himself.

…and he likes hookers!

According to one competitor, Lozano “was known around the agent scene as a hooker ringleader,” and women were his primary and most effective method of wooing potential clients.

“You come out for a meeting,” explains that agent, who emphasizes that the practice isn’t limited to Lozano. “You have a good time, some good drinks, you take a girl to bed, what’s going to happen? You’re a 20-year-old kid, and you think every agent is pretty much the same. You’re going to pick the one who’s fun to hang out with.”

Not to mention, he adds, it lets an agent “have something on the guy.”

But the Albert we know, with all the sky pointing and the “leaving it up to the Lord” post game comments doesn’t like hookers?! How can he be working this this asshole of an agent (besides the fact that if you wanted a morally straight agent, you’d be hard-pressed to find one). Here’s your hint: More lying!

Lozano won over Pujols completely, and co-workers say he again did it by becoming who he thought Pujols wanted to see. Danny the Chameleon.

In this case it meant becoming a pious man. Danny the party animal, Danny the drinker, and Danny the Lothario were all gone. It was Good Catholic Daniel Lozano who came courting, though a colleague at the time says Lozano confided about his church attendance that he “was only going to meet hot chicks.”

It gets worse for Pujols as the report also says that Lozano’s debt is what made him push for Pujols’ last contract (8 years @ 14.5 Million/year) which was largely considered a “steal” for Pujols compared to the rest of the market. Oh and there’s this:

According to a source, a co-worker once overheard him calling a young Pujols “just some Dominican monkey.”

Classy.

Now Pujols is back up for a new mega-contract, and guess who’s in debt again? The agent has reportedly been getting his clients, specifically Alex Rodriguez, to invest in his new agency, and Lozano’s hoping that this cut of the new Pujols deal will allow him to get out from under that debt…and get back underneath a big ole’ pile of whores!

Bonus: If you’ve ever thought to yourself “Gee, is there a way I see a picture of Pujols’ agent eating out a hooker?” then you are in luck my friend! Deadspin has just what you’ve been looking for! (Seriously, that’s what that is. Click if you want to.) People are giving Lozano crap on the Deadspin comments about his cunnilingus skills, but dude. That’s probably a hooker, or at least a slut. He’s getting after it more than he should be sans dental dam. Good for him! You only live once and if you want to put your stuff despite not knowing whats’ came in or out of there good for you! Magic Johnson said that AIDS isn’t all that bad anyway. It apparently just makes you really unfunny and unsuitable to host a late night talk show, but that dying stuff is just a myth.

via Deadspin and Pujols’ christian nightmares

Yesterday we brought you the absurd tale of one Laura Coppinger, the once Sugar Plum Fairy in the St. Charles annual Christmas pageant that was fired on grounds that she cussed at a standard city employee drug screening. Cussing, apparently even while not in character, is a big no-no for St. Charles’ Christmas staff as stated in the sounds fake, but apparently all too real, “Christmas Traditions Code of Conduct”. Obviously this is absurd! It’s one thing to be fired over cussing while in costume surrounded by kids, but it’s quite another story if you are out and about looking very un fairy-like and decide to cuss on your own free time. But while St. Charles is clearly a city with a large stick up their ass, we’re now wondering: Was she really dimed out and fired for spontaneous cussing away from work, or was it because her other performing gigs involve a little less costume and a lot more skin?

We recently were made aware that Laura Coppinger, former Sugar Plum Fairy, also performs burlesque under the name “Mimi le Yu“.

“Research” and “fact checking” are crap we let the real news people do, leaving us more time to do things that we’re good at like obscure reference dick jokes and pissing people off, but rarely does research involve burlesque, so lets do this thing! …so we need like a oversized magnifying glass now or what?

[Mentally create and watch us in a research montage...now!]

[...ok now fade the montage out to black...perfect. Now continue reading.]

It didn’t take long to lock down the fact that “Mimi le Yu” is definitely the name of an active burlesque dancer and her photos to have a strong resemblance to the photos that have been included in the recent “Sugar Plum Fairy” news (note the teeth).

…oh and there’s this MySpace post with a captions of both her real name, and her burlesque name:

So ok, the research wasn’t that hard. Laura Coppinger aka the nationally known Sugar Plum Fairy, is also burlesque dancer Mimi le Yu! But is that why St. Charles city let her go from her long-time post as the Sugar Plum Fairy? If so, is the cussing a cover-up? Why not tell Coppinger the “real” reason then, as it’s pretty clear she’s under the impression she was fired for off-duty cussing? Maybe the city used the cussing as the one clear rule violation as a way to get her out the door without having to dive in to the whole naughty details? No one knows for sure since St. Charles sure isn’t talking so far.

To be clear, we’re not saying she should have been fired for being a burlesque dancer, or for cussing at herself on her own time. She seems like a cool chick, a great Sugar Plum Fairy, and looks to put on a hell of a burlesque show. We’re just wondering why we hadn’t heard this connection being made anywhere else. If St. Charles will shit-can Christmas characters for saying “shit-can”, you’d think they’d really be against this:

We’re not. We think that’s just super…but you gotta think St. Charles city officials don’t really agree with us too often. We can probably all agree on pudding though. Everyone loves pudding.

Photo Credits:

1. Plasticfootball on Flickr

2. STLToday

3. arkbuilder on MySpace

4. Lee Harris for the Riverfront Times

Poor girl, she just wants some lovin’. The only qualification is that you have to be a “good guy” but frankly after reading the rest of the her ad we’re pretty sure that he might even be flexible on that.

Oh and if you’re one of the zero single guys in the world that wants a random hook up to end in pregnancy? She’s cool with that too. Yea! High five bro! We can’t wait to have a pissed off 24 year old show up on our doorstep some day so we can say we found his mom on a Craigslist ad where she was “[R]eally just looking for anything.”

Very romantic.

via Reddit St. Louis

Hermann, Missouri’s high school band director is having a rough week after being accused of sending “sexually explicit” emails to a student. Something about blowing his woodwind we’re guessing.

Among the charges against 31-year-old Joshua James are furnishing pornography to a minor and “using a child in a sexual performance”.

The alleged contact took place between James and a 16-year-old female student in the Gasconade County school district, and reportedly involved illicit photos.

High school band director isn’t exactly a big-time gig or anything, but it still seems like a lot to gamble on hoping the fat girl won’t tattle on you for sending her dick photos.* Looking back on it now it did seem weird that when he would raise his arms up to hold a note, he would always do a little squeezing motion with his hands.

James has been released on bond and has resigned from his role as director.

* Oh whatever, we both know she’s probably a little round. Band chicks are like that. (If you’re not, send a photo. We’d love to see proof of the contrary.)

via KMOX

Update: We had a super-quick Twitter interview with the man himself. Check it out below!

St. Peters motorists yesterday evening were shocked after their eyes focused on the lilly white blur in the lane next to them. A naked dude on a motorcycle was seen heading east down Interstate 70, around the Cave Springs area, presumably heading MidRivers Mall or possibly Costco since jeans are really cheap there.

“Nobody was upset with it. Actually, there were quite a few people who, let’s say, were quite excited by it,” Wilson observed.

No word on who the mystery man is or why he was riding in the nude. [It has been] speculated that it may have been related to the hot weather or part of a dare.

Of course it was a dare, the real question is why the hell would he choose to fullfil said dare on 70 during rush hour as Mr. Naked Daredevil, like everyone else, got caught in a traffic jam. Even then, no one really seemed to mind since even being stuck next to this is better than rolling up next to the crazy-haired old fat lady shoveling down McDonalds in one hand and talking on the phone in the other.

One day later and his identity is still a mystery. He has no identifying marks and none of the photos show any plate numbers on the bike. All we have to go on are a helmet, some shoes and the bike itself. If anyone knows who this is, send him our way! We’ve love to ask him a few questions (anonymously of course). We got our chance! Here’s our quick Twitter interview with St. Peters’ naked biker:

Now it’s left to St. Charles’ no-fun patrol to go around and find this mystery man. St. Peters police are already sweeping the area, finding blue motorcycles and hesitantly sniffing the seats for that sour, incriminating man-ass sweat smell…which is now yet another reason to sell that bike or at least throw that seat away as soon as possible.

via KMOX