So apparently the best way to get through the security at Lambert Airport without getting scanned or allowing the high-school dropout TSA agent to get to third base is to…wait for it…just run. Somewhere Osama Bin Laden is face-palming right now. The countless hours of research that yielded the “shoe bomb” could have been better spent just buying good non-bomb running shoes and just hold the bomb in front of you and take off in to the airport when confronted.

A traveler at Lambert Airport triggers a security alert then disappears in the east terminal. As a result, the terminal was cleared for nearly an hour.

TSA says no one missed their flights this morning. Planes were kept on the ground to wait for those passengers late to their gates.

When asked how someone who, as the TSA themselves are saying “did not complete the screening process” was allowed to simply get away, the only reply was that the situation wasn’t a big deal and the man was harmless. Seriously. That’s what they told a KMOV reporter. The Lambert TSA, who find security serious enough to grope children and revoke citizen’s rights, looked for a guy that just walked away from their security checkpoint for 45 minutes and then just stopped saying “Eh. It’s probably fine.”

TSA tells News 4 the man didn’t “complete the screening process”. They wouldn’t tell us exactly what that means, but tell us the man was not a serious threat based on his behavior[,] a behavior described as normal.

Not a serious threat based on his “normal” behavior?! So what? He was a middle aged white guy not wearing a turban or shrieking jihad-type stuff? What’s the point of the groping or scanning if we can just walk up and have the TSAs eyeball you as “normal” and let you through? It’s so great to hear that after years of overly-aggressive security checks just to get on a plane Lambert International is the first airport in the nation to go with the new “Velvet Rope” method of security: “Yo! Lemme look at cho…k. You’re cool. Next! What is dat?! Dat ain’t normal, get outa here! You’re wife looks normal though…come on through sweet cheeks.”

Also, every other Wednesday is now Lamber Security Ladies Nights! Girls in dresses and high heels are pre-qualified as “normal”. Also be on the lookout for some upcoming appearances by DJ SweatyFatGuyGrabbingYourCrotch for the not-so-normal fellas sponsored by Smirnoff Ice!

via KMOV

Next spring, Lambert Airport will install two art pieces in both the A and C concourses consisting of a series of glass panels. Here’s hoping some pink glass will make you smile after you just refused the invasive naked scanners and were thusly molested by a short sweaty fat guy with an attitude in a uniform two times too small.

“The nine art glass screens will make a bold statement and have a very strong visual presence,” McGuire said.

These nine pieces of colored glass are not to be confused with the two-way mirrors in the office where they take you to be detained because you wouldn’t take your socks off or let a TSA officer frisk your 3-year-old child.

Now that we mention it, the security checkpoints is probably where they should be putting the most art. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just look over at a mural of clouds, rolling green hills and people flying happily to their destination, taking your mind off the winged metal tube full of rape victims you’ll be swished in to with no food or drink for the next two hours while the only movie choice is Daddy Day Camp.

via STLToday

Later today at Lamber Airport, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA or “Those Rude People That Make You Actually Consider Not Showing Up For Your Vacation When You See the Security Line” to the rest of us) will hold a press conference announcing the introduction of “full body” scanners to the Lambert security checkpoints. The controversial scanners are already in 58 airports and are will be showing up in more by the end of the year.

The controversy comes from the fact that they can, as the name implies, see your full body. Its great for hot people, but totally gross for fatties. Here’s a screengrab from a scanner:

[Editor's Note: As noted in the comments, this photo was proven to be an inaccurate portrayal of the scanners. Of course we say that these aren't the scanners in use in St. Louis and this is really just a funny picture with a fairly hot broad in it that allows us to make a poop joke. The fact that it's fake means very little, as everything else is correct. ]

No idea how she managed to swallow that gun, but you can see her boobs and sniz pretty clearly (though we blocked them from your virgin eyes). This is a worse case though with older technology that will not be deployed at Lambert. They are choosing to use the more privacy conscious “Backscatter AIT”, proving that we had the totally wrong idea of what “backscatter” meant. It turns out it’s a technology and has nothing to do with paper towels and your date ending with a fight! The more you know!

Here is what the Lamber security folks will see:

That’s definitely less invasive that the first photo, but still, there’s plenty to giggle about here. The fact of the matter is, they can see your junk. Don’t believe us? Ask Rolando Negrin. He’s a screener at the Miami airport who was ridiculed by his fellow employee’s for his little peanut wiener for over a year after going through the scanner during a training exercise. Rolando finally snapped and attacked a co-worker in the parking garage with a steel baton. Yup, sounds like privacy is really important and you totally shouldn’t worry about the screeners seeing your junk. Sure, you can’t go through them in the United Kingdom if you are under 18 because the scanning images are detailed enough to violate child pornography laws, but what’s to worry about?! Though it should be noted that the TSA has formally recommended a “fluff” before entering the security area.

A 12-month trial at Manchester airport of scanners which reveal naked images of passengers including their genitalia and breast enlargements, only went ahead last month after under-18s were exempted.

Sweet. Well at least we’re safer right? …well…

A German TV show put the scanner to the test and though the scanner found the knife he had on him, it missed the bomb components the subject had on him.

So they aren’t really all that helpful, and they can see your wiener or sniz. You still have one last resort to keep the creepy high school drop out in the TSA uniform that has been staring at you from the moment you wheeled your luggage up dreams from coming true: The scanner is optional. You can always choose to not go through the scanner, which will result in a standard pat down, just like when you go to a concert these days, which seems like the way to go. Unless you’re hot and want to flaunt it I guess, but if that’s really the case, we’re pretty sure that is what MySpace is for.

In a related story, the woman in the first photo died recently after trying to poop out that gun. So unbelievably sad and frankly terrifying.

We had no idea girls pooped until just now.

A Metrolink security guard was the only injury after being grazed by a bullet early Tuesday at the Shrewsbury Metrolink station.

The bullet came from his own gun.

This guy either spent lonely night after lonely night noodling the fringes of physics or is so dumb he eats his own poop.

When we contacted the National Dumbass Security Guard Union, they only replied with “This is why we usually only give them flashlights. Why would you give an untrained, minimum wage worker a gun? What horrible place would need to arm people like that?”

Apparently she has never had the pleasure of riding the Metrolink back from a Cards game pressed up against the glass door by a burley and creepily quiet gentleman with dried blood on his knuckles right out of a prison rape scene. …two more stops…two more stops….

via KMOV