Ahhhhh! Breaking news from KSDK! A class of eighth grade students and their teachers were attacked!!!! …by yellow jackets…and it was last Thursday. One girl got stung a bunch of times, but she’s fine. Hmm. Seems like there should be more here…oh wait! Check out this picture KSDK made! Aaaaaaahhhhh!

We swear to you that we did not make that. It’s legit, and stupid. It’s legitimately stupid.

Sooo…on yeah. Aaaahhhhh! What happened to these poor students that had a total emergency when being attacked by that giant bug and that drop-shadowed font, but not enough for KSDK to report on it then?

After the group ran from the swarm, they waited for emergency workers at a pavilion. Firefighters praised the students and the teachers for not panicking.

Officials said there was no way to prevent the attack. But it helped that the teachers had just completed a required wilderness training program.

Ok, dammit. Kids going outside and getting stung isn’t news! No, it doesn’t help that you put a 20 pt font in front of the yellow jacket picture….I mean maybe if the text was blinking…but even then, only barely.

via KSDK

We won! The Federal government took one look at our schools and kids and said, “Holy crap. Give them some money. Its like those Sally Struthers commercials but the kids have less flies on their faces.”

U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced Monday that Missouri will receive $54 million in federal funding to turn around its lowest-achieving schools, particularly 50 struggling schools in St. Louis and Kansas City.

These funds are part of the $3.5 billion that will be made available to states this spring from money set aside in the 2009 budget and the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

“The trick is to misspell Missouri, turn all your r’s the wrong way and submit your application in crayon!” says some guy  that you won’t know so I can just make up a name. “This money is going to really help the process of education. With new bullet-proof vests and access to better copy machines our best and brightest teachers can stay alive and make enough copies of their resumes to find a nice job in St. Charles county.” continued Slappy Knobslob.

via St. Louis Business Journal

The Illinois Senate is currently mulling over a move that would make all Illinois State public schools to go from the standard five-day school week to the severely retarded idea of a four-day school week.

The Illinois senate is considering a measure that would change the current five-day school week into a four-day week for public school students.

The proposal has already received approval in the Illinois House.

Over the past few years, similar legislation has been presented by Missouri lawmakers but all have been rejected.

The reason given for the proposed four-day school week would be the savings that would be earned with a fewer day of transportation and electricity citing that a Illinois district recently had to let go of 54 teachers.

Now I’ve heard they do math differently in Illinois, on accounting of their sixth finger, but even still something doesn’t add up.

They seem to be ignoring the other effects a four-day week would have on the school ecosystem. Since we’re pretty sure that no one is going to shorten the average person’s work week to match their child’s, welcome to another day you have to pay for daycare low income Daddy that is barely making ends meet as it is!  Also, unless the four remaining days increase in length, that means the school will also be “saving” the money from Mr. Oldveitnamvet the creep janitor that mops really really slowly, and has ear hair as thick as shrubbery, since he more than likely gets paid by the hour.  Same goes for the Mrs. Giantwartonherface the lunch lady and Ms. Theresnowayanyoneismarryingme the bus driver. Not only that, but we hardly doubt the savings from electricity and gas alone would be enough to offset the costs of 54 teacher salaries, meaning you can’t say this move would have helped them.

The fact is your job as a school is to teach kids during the work week and prepare them for life. If you can’t even keep the doors open for 5 days a week, where does it end? Once a week middle school lock-in-style “cram sessions”?

via KSDK

And the kid went to a city school!

Nah, I’m just kidding.

“I thought I did well, but I didn’t think I could do that,”

Lafayette High School Senior Zach Frazer scored a perfect 36 on his ACT an achievement equaled by only 28 other students.  …28 lonely lonely other students.

Frazer offered the following advice to students preparing for an upcoming test. “Stay focused, relax and don’t worry while taking the test.”

Though Frazer aced all of the those book-worm questions, I have one for you smart guy:  Describe third base.

Thought so.

Also, you could at least dress up a little for your school photo.

via Globe-Democrat

Come Thursday it will all be official, the Wellston school district will be no more come June 30th, 2010.  The students will be folded in to the Normandy school district, and the staff’s contracts will be terminated.

Wellston’s facilities are inadequate, its students have not made enough academic progress, its superintendent is retiring, its finances are stable but weak, there is little hope of more help from the state and this is the right time to try something new.

“One guiding principle has to be what is the best course of action so that Wellston kids have the best possible opportunity for education achievement, now and in the future,” [Chris L.] Nicastro [Missouri's commissioner of elementary and secondary education] said in one form or another several times [at the town hall meeting announcing the changes].

Translation?  ”What the hell does it matter?  The only thing we know for sure is that we can’t do anything to make Wellston any worse.”

“Plus with if we  keep grouping the hopeless kids in to a single concentrated camp…us, it will allow us to keep better tabs on them.”

Also new starting next year every Normandy school kid that no one thinks has a prayer will have to wear bright gold stars on their chest to…um…alert everyone to the fact they are super special…yeah, that’s the ticket…yeah…

Once the crowd started to accept the pre-defined fate of their Wellston school district plans were made to “carry on the legacy of Wellston.”  In this regard a bum has been hired to sleep on the front stoop of the Normandy elementary school and pee on at least one set of swings each day while trying to sell the kids drugs during recess.

via St. Louis Beacon

If you graduated from Sedalia, Missouri’s school district, you are probably a moron.  I’m just playing the odds here.  Why?  Well because apparently this wacky thing called science and specifically evolution isn’t cool enough to even be mentioned on a freaking t-shirt, let alone taught!

T-shirts promoting the Smith-Cotton High School band’s fall program have been recalled because of concerns about the shirt’s evolution theme.

The light gray shirts feature an image of a monkey progressing through various stages of evolution until eventually becoming a human. Each figure holds a brass instrument that also evolves, illustrating the theme “Brass Evolutions.”

The Assistant superintendent said the reason they actually listened to the morons that complained is because “the school districtis obligated to remain neutral on religion.” This is the #2 guy in charge of making that area’s kids smart, and he thinks evolution a religious issue.  Its not.  No, its absolutely not.  Evolution is science, if you disagree with tons of proof, fine, thats your call, you’re  a dipshit by the way, but thats fine.  However just because you “disagree” doesn’t make it a religious issue.  By that logic, Harry Potter is a religious issue because some retards think kids reading about witches makes jesus cry.

Don’t forget by the way that this isn’t even about teaching evolution, but about a joke tshirt that the freaking band had made!

You really suck Sedalia, Missouri.  I’m sorry if you happen to live there and don’t suck, and for the kids that want to, and I guess need to, learn about the world without some bullshit filter over it, there’s always Google.

via KSDK.com

…in fact, if you go to Sedalia High School, get a hold of me on the  tip line  or via email (editor[at]punchingkitty[dot]com).  I’d love to send you guys some shirts with the Punching Kitty logo and the headline to this article on them.