The jovial fellow above is on Gabriel Williams, who has been charged with multiple burglary, robbery, kidnapping and weapons charges after a New Years Eve crime spree that involved kidnapping a Clayton couple and driving them to the nearby Schnucks to they could cash a check for him.

According to police, two suspects approached a man Saturday as he did yard work at his home in the 50 block of Arundel, in Clayton’s Demun neighborhood. The suspects, both armed, demanded money.

One of them remained at the house with the female resident, while the other ordered the man to escort him to the Richmond Heights Schnucks to get cash. While at Schnucks, the man alerted a security guard, who contacted Clayton and Richmond Heights police.

After leaving the scene of the Clayton crime, Williams jacked some dude in the street and was arrested soon after. …and you thought that your $5o all-you-can-drink deal at the bowling alley sounded like “The craziest New Years Eve ever!”, but you were wrong.

Williams bond is currently set at $200,000, but how do you not let a fellow this happy be on his way with a warning? Clearly the man loves what he does and isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Can’t we just be happy that young Gabriel has found a calling that he truly loves, and let these kidnapping charges slide? …aw, wait. What if there is a guy in the State Prison system that really loves raping new guys? Seems like we really shouldn’t deprive that guy of going to town on some little asshole who thinks kidnapping people is cool, so we’ll just let the system play out and see where this goes.

Plus, we really haven’t been happy since ABC stopped doing TGIF so f*ck both of these guys…even if they are totally going to be “Perfect Strangers”. Ha! Get it? A TGIF prison rape joke?! …because the one guys going to rape the other guy after he goes to prison for the Clayton kidnapping! No? Shut up, you suck.

via STLToday

So it’s come to this. We’re robbing nuns now.

St. Louis thugs, clearly running out of regular folks to terrorize within the city limits have decided to start going after the formally untouchable: Nuns. Yup, totally beating up and robbing nuns now. Watch your back babies, kittens and Rams QB Sam Bradford. You’re just as cute and harmless as you’ve always been, but apparently a lot closer to fair game than you’d think.

[Darrell K. Hardin, 24] allegedly came up behind the nun on the street, hit her twice and then forcibly stole her purse about 10 a.m. Monday.

Punching a nun in the back of the head to steal her purse! How much money could the nun have had on her?! It’s not like she makes a lot of money with the day job, (she’s always wearing that same old dress) and the chances that she’s got some lucrative side business going, like back alley abortions, seems pretty slim.

Despite what everyone in St. Charles County would have you believe, lightning did not strike the perp dead on the spot. Even though beating up one of Jesus’ many girlfriends just before his birthday is pretty uncool, the guy that beat up a nun is being taken care of by the law of man.

Hardin is out on bond on a domestic assault charge, according to the circuit attorney’s office.

…which involves a low bond and immediate release because it’s Christmas and he should be at home beating up several bastard kids.

via STLToday

A St. Louis man was walking down the street when he was robbed and then shot…in the dick.

Officials say that the victim was walking west on Dr. Martin Luther King Drive when a maroon van occupied by a group of black men stopped. The suspect exited the van and demanded property.

The suspect took a bag from the victim containing a wallet and a camera before firing shots at the victim, striking him in the groin.

The victim is in stable condition and should be fine, but is this really where we are headed St. Louis? Shooting people in the dick? That’s just not cool at all. You don’t shoot people in the dick man. Everyone knows that. Everyone. Oh this asshole even shot the guy after he gave up his wallet! What kind of bullshit is that?! “Give me your wallet! Ok. [Dick shot]” Was his dick going to memorize your van’s plate number? Was it going to track you down in a revenge killing? Where you worried that one day in the future the guy would make a baby that would some day grow up and avenge his father’s wallet? …hmm, that last one might be a little valid…no, no, still not cool. Closer, but not cool.

You should never, ever shoot a guy in the dick…unless he’s really pissed you off or something or his dick was about to do something sneaky like hit a silent alarm or whatever. Other that those two things though…never! Maybe rape…ok, add rape on there. Those three things though, and that’s it.

You’re better than that maroon van thieves of St. Louis.

via KMOV

Ok, ok you’re pretty sure Nate Dogg’s dead right? We were too…until…seriously, hang in there with us for a second…we saw this security camera still taken from the Granite City, Illinois Advanced America Cash Advance (Where the second “advance” means advance!) store.

…and then remembered this:

Ok, so that’s definitely Nate Dogg, who isn’t dead, and/or has now become a zombie. No word on Eazy E’s status as of yet, but he had AIDS…and um…AIDS even takes out zombies we figure, so he might just still be dead. We’s use our vast investigative network to double check, but dude…AIDS. He’s dead. Trust us he’s dead. Nate Dogg: Pretty sure he’s alive now and robbing stores in western Illinois, Eazy E: Still dead with the AIDS.

To be fair, we can’t really be sure because even if the police catch these perpetrators who escaped in their car with an undetermined amount of cash, they* all look the same anyway.

* they = Guys in suits, you racist.

via KMOX

This dude, who robbed a St. Charles gas station after going through all the trouble to make himself look like a mexican with a goatee despite the fact that we can see his white guy neck. The goatee looks really nice though…didn’t really color outside the lines at all! Maybe next time, think about going with the sombrero…really drive it home!

via KMOV

The plan was perfect. Right at midnight, grab the machete, run in to the 7-Eleven, get the cash and jump back in the van. The machete was a really nice touch and will allow a lot of other sites to use stills from that movie of the same name as all-too-obvious graphic, but too bad the clerk saw your get away vehicle!

[T]he clerk saw him get into a large white van, which drove away, police said. Officers spotted the vehicle a short time later, arrested two men and found a machete inside the van.

You know your attempt at crime sucks when the story on KSDK’s header graphic is taller than the full description of your lame step towards criminal mastery.

via KSDK and STLToday