You may think that bald tub pictured above is just another of the thousands of “fat guys in polo shirts” St. Louis has been collecting over the years, but you would be wrong.

That guy is made of pure balls.

You would have to be to waltz in to a bank and rob the place looking like Paul from Cheers (huh?), with nothing but a pursey-wallet-thing-but-definitely-nothing-a-man-shoudl -be-carrying-around thing in his hands.

The FBI and St. Louis County Police are asking for the public’s help in finding a man who robbed Regions Bank Tuesday.

The suspect is described as a white male, bald and about 50-years old or older. Witnesses said the suspect was wearing glasses, a short-sleeve tan or gray polo shirt and black pants.

Ok, a fat, bald, middle-aged white guy in a polo shirt and dress pants. He can’t be hard to find. We’ll stake out all area Lowe’s and you keep and eye on everywhere in St. Charles County.

Good to see though that now the whities have a equivalent to the bastardly generic “skinny black guy in a hoodie” that keeps committing all those crimes.

via Globe Democrat

Newly drafted Rams wide receiver Mardy Gilyard got jacked.

“I am OK. Just upset, you know, more than anything,” Gilyard said Tuesday from his Northern Kentucky home. “It’s part of living in the city. I know from my experiences in the city when it warms up – as soon as it warms up – the grimy cats in the city come out. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings as much as I should have been.”

Well that can happen. Sucks though especially since everything we’ve heard about Gilyard points to him being a great guy. Big draft pick like him should probably get a body guard.

Two men armed with a gun approached Gilyard and his bodyguard, Terry Hobbs, and robbed them of $300 in cash and $1,000 in jewelry about 9:30 p.m., a police report shows. No injuries were reported.

Oh.

Maybe get a good body guard and not just the gentle giant you’ve known since middle school. What’s the point of a bodyguard if you can still get jacked in the street. Maybe it was more of a Ben Roethlisberger-style “I Don’t Think It’s Rape If You Hold Her Down For Me” kinda bodyguard? If it is, don’t waste your money Mardy, plenty of jersey-chasers around here.

We also really love that Gilyard lied to the mugger.

“We see your chains! Give me your chains!” Gilyard recalled the robber yelling at him. The man also demanded the keys to Gilyard’s new car. Gilyard , who had the keys in his pants pocket, told him the car had a keyless ignition.

“I’m like, ‘brother, I ain’t got the keys,” Gilyard recalled. “So then it was, ‘well, forget the keys! Give me the money! What about the money!’ That’s when he put a .38 revolver in my face. I gave him the pocket change I had on me.”

Dumb ass mugger. Wait, crap. Here’s hoping he doesn’t read the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Good thing, if he’s already been getting jacked: Should fit in just fine here in St. Louis.

via KSDK and The Cincinnati Enquirer

We took a little unscheduled break on Friday, and apparently we can’t ever do that again as the minute our guard was down Nelly got robbed!

Police said Nelly, who’s real name is Cornell Haynes, Jr., was not home at the time, but three other people were there. The suspect grabbed a backpack full of electronics and was confronted by someone inside the home. The robber left the home with the backpack and got into a black GMC Envoy.

Police said the suspect had a mustache, glasses and was wearing a dark-colored hoodie.

First, the mystery of why Nelly wanted to go by Nelly…Cornell Haynes Jr?  Not very rapper-y!  Secondly, the crime wave of the guy in a dark hoodie continues unabated!

Here’s the thing though, this guy is a moron.  If you are going to take the effort of jumping over the Wildwood fence and the stones to break in to a house, why would you only break in to Nelly’s house and then only take video games?  What are you seven?  Nelly’s dogs are probably rocking diamond chains and all you got out of there is a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog for XBox3 360?!

If you were wondering, STLToday has the security camera video in case you can recognize splotchy guys in black and white footage.  If I was Nelly, I’d be pissed.  When the cops only move is to release the footage to the public is basically giving up.

“Well hell. We got nothing…does anyone else in the world have any ideas?” Awesome.