That headline is legit! We swear to G…eh. Better not do that in this post. Seriously though, Kurt Warner took some time the other day to tell Tim Tebow, he who’s name in verb form means a quick post-game prayer in the middle of the freaking field or any other random place (Tebowing.com), to give it a rest with the God talk.

“You can’t help but cheer for a guy like that,” Warner said of Tebow. “But I’d tell him, ‘Put down the boldness in regards to the words, and keep living the way you’re living. Let your teammates do the talking for you. Let them cheer on your testimony.”

“I don’t want anybody to become calloused toward Tim because they don’t understand him, or are not fully aware of who he is. And you’re starting to see that a little bit.”

No one tells Tim Tebow to stop talkin’ god! Unless…Oh snap. Kurt Warner is clearly the quarterback on Team Satan now, meaning he’ll soon be saying dirty words like “evolution” and dancing like one of those homosexuals!

That was a joke at first, but now it makes a lot of sense. How else could you explain the sudden upgrade in attractiveness with Brenda a few years back?

via Off The Bench

“Whew! We made it! We thought our business would be done for sure during the now infamous Joplin tornados, but somehow our auto paint supply building and business managed to survive and good thing too, because it’s rough out here now and our house sure took a beating. I was just sayin’ to Jan the other day how happy I am we still have money rolling in. A lot of people weren’t as fortunate as…

*ring* *ring*

…hold on, let me get that.

Yes, that’s me.

Uh huh…

Well yes sir, I do own that building…

Son. Of. A. BITCH!”

A downtown Joplin building exploded and burst into flames early Tuesday.

The Joplin Fire Department says no injuries were reported after the fire at the Wholesale Auto Paint Store. The two-story building was unoccupied when the explosion occurred about 4:45 a.m.

The building, owned by Bob and Jan Gaskill, Joplin, was declared a total loss.

Figures right? The only good thing about this is that the explosion had a lot less stuff around it to hurt with the shrapnel in the pile of crap that is now Joplin, MO. This is like if when you’re pissing on one of those urinal cakes, and you really had to go so you’re pissing a lot, and then you’re done…but right before you zip back up you feel some leftovers in there and give it the half shake/muscle push and a little bit more piss comes out. Well that’s pretty much what just happened to the urinal cake that is Joplin. You’re God in that story just getting one little bit of surprise piss after your previously decimating urine stream. …ok sorry, maybe you’re “Allah”, Mormon Jesus, or whoever it is that Tom Cruise worships, it really doesn’t matter, be freaking Superman if you want….wait. Dibs on Superman!

via KMOV

Above is a new billboard sitting on west-bound Highway 40 at Vandeventer. Paid for by The Greater St. Louis Coalition of Reason, the billboard’s goal is to both promoted the hybrid club made up of six different groups but also, they say, to let atheists, and other “non-believers” know that they aren’t alone because no one knows how to work Google or Facebook to find other people with similar interests, they only like to look up slightly while driving:

The Greater St. Louis Coalition of Reason (GreaterStlCOR) is a group of similar member organizations united by a rational perspective.

While our region has a long history of reason, free-thought and humanism, and newer organizations have enjoyed a dramatic increase.

By coming together we can share information, support and build a sense of a broader community.  Also, GreaterStlCOR gives member organizations a chance to increase public awareness of our very existence and the various ideas we promote.

Geez…ok. Look, good for you freedom of speech and freedom of religion (or in this case, the lack there of) is great, but do we really need another billboard about what to believe? We aren’t saying were against this particular billboard, this is actually one of the better ones, but damn all these things do is cause trouble. Believe what you want to believe, don’t advertise it though, this isn’t some sort of thing that if your “side” has the most people it makes you right, if you’re wrong about what happens after you die, that’s it. The only difference is that now you’re dead wrong.

It’s not even just the billboards, at least those can be ignored, it’s all the extra crap. You know this billboard is going to be used by everyone on the religious right as proof the world is ending or something and then we’ll have to hear about that for the next few weeks until the next sign of the Apocalypse occurs (in either political direction).

We don’t want to see your billboards for your new fancy church that used to be a mall, we don’t want to know that you’re a cool skater dude but also a Mormon, and we don’t want to know if you choose the “none of the above” box in the Census. The only thing we want to know when we’re driving around town is what exit number for the closest Arby’s. …maybe a something with those dogs that sell cars…but that’s it!

Its no secret to us that they have a blog for everything these days, but its still hard to believe that there is a blog out there that counts down horrific events to people and places and then tries to spin it as god dropping the hammer for some perceived slight against the world.  You know, horrible things like finding someone attractive that they don’t agree with or telling them to shut up when they are spouting hate-speech.  The nerve!

Sunday’s target?  Lebanon, Missouri. From the blog GodSmack:

THANK GOD FOR THE GODSMACK TO LEBANON, MISSOURI!  GOD SENT THE SHOOTER!  An 8-year-old was left to roam the house after his father, former gangster Todd Johnson, shot his mother and brother, then left the house, crashed the car, and killed himself.  What a sight!  In June 2008 the officials of Lebanon aggressively and lawlessly prevented the obedient watchers of Westboro Baptist Church from coming to that community with the only words of hope and truth, to wit, obey God, stop your proud sinning, or He will curse you.  Now the wrath of God has poured out on this little community, by this awful event that the local paper says has sent waves of shock and disbelief cascading across the area.  WORSE AND MORE IS COMING!  We pray for more visitations of God’s wrath on this disobedient nation.  Praise God for his righteous judgments in this earth!

What a giant piece of shit.  This guy’s “god” sounds like one of those f*cked up Roman gods and blow each other and rape mortal chicks.

Secondly, here is my drawing of this guy:

Thirdly, this is my drawing of this guy being decapitated by the smoke monster from Lost…who apparently is from Lebanon.

In case you were wondering, our “savior” at Punching Kitty is Scott Baio.  Last we checked he was totally cool with Lebanon, Missouri….plus he banged Pamela Anderson in her prime…and he’s always in charge, just like a good deity should be.

If you graduated from Sedalia, Missouri’s school district, you are probably a moron.  I’m just playing the odds here.  Why?  Well because apparently this wacky thing called science and specifically evolution isn’t cool enough to even be mentioned on a freaking t-shirt, let alone taught!

T-shirts promoting the Smith-Cotton High School band’s fall program have been recalled because of concerns about the shirt’s evolution theme.

The light gray shirts feature an image of a monkey progressing through various stages of evolution until eventually becoming a human. Each figure holds a brass instrument that also evolves, illustrating the theme “Brass Evolutions.”

The Assistant superintendent said the reason they actually listened to the morons that complained is because “the school districtis obligated to remain neutral on religion.” This is the #2 guy in charge of making that area’s kids smart, and he thinks evolution a religious issue.  Its not.  No, its absolutely not.  Evolution is science, if you disagree with tons of proof, fine, thats your call, you’re  a dipshit by the way, but thats fine.  However just because you “disagree” doesn’t make it a religious issue.  By that logic, Harry Potter is a religious issue because some retards think kids reading about witches makes jesus cry.

Don’t forget by the way that this isn’t even about teaching evolution, but about a joke tshirt that the freaking band had made!

You really suck Sedalia, Missouri.  I’m sorry if you happen to live there and don’t suck, and for the kids that want to, and I guess need to, learn about the world without some bullshit filter over it, there’s always Google.

via KSDK.com

…in fact, if you go to Sedalia High School, get a hold of me on the  tip line  or via email (editor[at]punchingkitty[dot]com).  I’d love to send you guys some shirts with the Punching Kitty logo and the headline to this article on them.