We’re loving all the Cardinals vs Reds stuff over the past year. It has real potential to get good rather than that stupid “We just respect each other too much.” rivalry with the Astros a few years back. The problem is that Tony LaRussa and Walt Jocketty are still buddies and that friendship is really holding this whole thing back.

Take this recent business with the Cincinnati radio station doing a contest bit making fun of LaRussa’s on-going spat with shingles.

La Russa missed last week’s series against one of the red birds’ biggest rivals, the Reds, to recover. One Cincinnati radio station decided to take the rivalry a little too far during his absence by taking pleasure in La Russa’s pain.

The station not only made jokes about his condition, but also tried to make some money. WLW created an ad involving a roofing company that gave listeners a chance to “win some shingles of your own.”

Pairing the ailment of shingles with the shingles on your roof, isn’t exactly the kind of next-level bit that will take the comedy world by storm, but it probably played well enough in Cincinnati so great, good for them for buying their particular radio station another day before they all get fired so someone can just plug their iPod in to the control panel. It would have been pretty cool if Tony would have called in to bitch them out, or maybe Dave Duncan can call someone else “classless” (Reds tip: The trick is to make fun of Chris Duncan), but no…the Reds whined about the contest, stated publicly that they had nothing to do with it, despite the fact that no one thought they did, and the Reds CEO even demanded the station take all mentions of the contest of it’s site.

Grow a pair WLW! The freaking Reds are taking things off your site now?! Haven’t they stolen enough this year?!

The old pro at stirring up shit is Reds broadcaster Marty Brennaman. That old retard can’t ever keep his mouth shut…it’s funny mind you, but we aren’t always laughing with him. Calling Carpenter a “whiner” is pretty funny for instance, and a sentiment that we’re sure that ex-Cardinal Brendan Ryan agrees with, since Carpenters is one of those guys that has to make himself mad about something to pitch at his best. Calling out Joe Pettini for saying ”It’s always something when you come in here.” make that old dumbass look a little slow in the uptake however if he already forgot the little skirmish last year that only cost Jason LaRue the last couple years of his career. All in all, we’re ok with Mary Brennaman thing. You have to take the shots at you in stride and really enjoy when the crazy old bastard takes shots at other people.

What? You forgot Marty Brennaman is the same guy that dropped an epic rant on the Cubs a few years back (It was our #1 favorite Cubs rant)? Blew your little Cardinal focused mind did we by showing you and your enemy have a common bond huh? It’s like finding out Hitler didn’t care for lima beans either.

via USAToday and KMOV

That’s it folks. The Reds have won the Central Division and the Cardinals are going home to go hunt or fish or make their jeans in to jorts…whatever all those hoosier Cardinals do. Right fielder Jay Bruce hit a walk-off home run against the Houston Astros to win the game and snatch the Central Division crown off the Cardinals crestfallen head.

Bruce homered on the first pitch from Tim Byrdak leading off the ninth inning Tuesday for a 3-2 victory over the Houston Astros that secured the NL Central title and touched off the long-awaited party in a city where champagne sprays were commonplace in the ’70s and ’90s.

For those that don’t follow baseball closely, the tide turned between the two teams after the Cardinals swept the Reds and then decided to suck donkey schlong while the Reds continued to play baseball and not just curl up in the fetal position and poop themselves.

Good for the Reds though! They won it, and they played baseball when the Cardinals just appeared to not give a crap. The Reds are also a pretty young team and the kids are excited to get that first taste of success. St. Louis fan-favorite Brandon Phillips, for instance, was very excited about taking some foam in the face.

“Everybody is looking forward to seeing me do it,” Phillips said. “I don’t know how it’s going to taste. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

That, Mr. Phillips, is what she said.

While the Reds clinched, 30,ooo people in the stands at Busch Stadium were the last ones to know since the scoreboard was, according to Cardinals officials, conveniently broken. Once the news finally broke though, the Cardinals celebrated by putting Aaron Miles in to pitch which is akin to just deciding to keep wearing the pants you just pissed yourself in because, “What ever man. Who cares at this point?”

In a related story, Jim Hayes of Fox Sports Midwest is fine now after throwing sparks in the 9th inning after being told “No Jim, the Cardinals can’t get ‘right back in the race’ this year.” when he spent the last 5 minutes on “if we could just get Colby Rasmus hot you never know what could happen..” Hayes simply required a reboot and a manual switching in to “we’ll get ‘em next year” mode. The switch is conveniently placed underneath his toupee.

via ESPN

Remember a few weeks ago when the Cardinals were all charged up and going against the upstart Cincinnati Reds and then they all got in that big fight because Brandon Phillips was all like “the Cardinals are bitches” and then in the game Phillips was like “Hey Yadi whats up?” and Yadi was all like “Don’t tap me bro!”, then the fight broke out and Reds’ pitcher Johnny Cueto started kicking Carptener in the back and Jason LaRue in the head a bunch of times and we were pissed because we missed the whole thing live because we were making a turkey sandwich? Well that sandwich was great and LaRue just retired because of the concussion he got that night. The trick is brown mustard…not for concussions…for sandwiches. We’re fairly certain brown mustard does little to nothing for concussions.

“I was going to retire on my own terms,” LaRue said, according to the report. “It’s unfortunate that the blow that decided it came from someone kicking me in the head with spikes. I wouldn’t say I would change things if you could rewrite history. They say things happen for certain reasons. In this case, I couldn’t tell you why. Does it suck that my career is over because Johnny Cueto started kicking me in the head? Yes, it sucks.

“I expected to walk away when I felt it was right. The bottom line: It’s unfortunate.”

This sucks. Being forced to retire because of a concussion is one thing, and can’t be very pleasant (right Mike Matheny?) but to be forced to shut it down because some pussy bitch was kicking you in the head? That sucks really hard, but concussions are serious shit as the aforementioned Matheny and friend-of-the-site and former Ram Kyle Turley can tell you.

Look, its not like LaRue’s career was all that noteworthy, but he had his ok years, ironically with the Reds. and of course Tony La Russa loved him some scrappy veterans so he found a job here. Also of note are LaRue’s relief-pitcher level facial hair that he later shaved off to some level of dismay.

It’s cold comfort for LaRue but his little Rockettes try-out looks to be sticking with Cueto for a while. Check out the search suggestions for Johnny Cueto:

You’re a giant douche Johnny Cueto…but Brian Anderson probably like “aww man, that sucks Jason” while fighting back a smile since now he can be the Cardinals backup catcher next year because everyone knows LaRue was on the “Aaron Miles” list, meaning he had a job here forever. “…this is a really good idea, you retiring…so…you need help with your stuff or…um…nevermind take your time I need to go excitedly call my mom anyway.”

LaRue had reported considered legal action against Cueto but has since decided against it.

via ESPN

Here’s a few quick notes in the aftermath of Brandon Phillips’ testicles finally dropping. Turns out they were behind his vagina.

1. If Phillips’ balls finally made an appearance, they went right back up inside after Yadier Molina got in his face.

2. Brandon Phillips drives the douchiest car imaginable. Naturally.

Not more than a few days ago, Yahoo! Sports dropped this little nugget about how the now famous Brandon Phillips: He drives a big purple expensive douche-mobile!

3. There is reason to cheer for Phillips.

(more…)

Cincinnati Reds’ Second Baseman Brandon Phillips got a little nicked up playing the Cubs recently, but when asked if he would ok for the big Cardinals series Phillips had this to say (according to daytondailynews.com):

“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches, all of ‘em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear – I hate the Cardinals.”

Yup. It’s pretty clear Brandon.

*Clears throat*

Who the f*ck are you calling a little bitch? Is this the guy who is such a douche he won’t even talk to certain reporters because they dared to question his hustle earlier this year?! Jesus christ…lets get something straight, hitting a career .268 with an .317 OBP doesn’t make you a star worthy of blowing off reporters and talking this level of trash, it makes you barely average. Don’t forget dipshit that your career was pretty much over when the Indians gave up on you, trading you to the Reds for a bag of balls and a fungo bat, probably because your an ass-wipe, but also because you were supposed to be good, but managed to piss away your talent in to being a league-average player and an All-Star bitch.

How did you do yesterday? 0-5 with a strikeout. Cool. Just checking.

Dude, Scott…what’s up with your boy?!

Um Scott Rolen, the apparent leader in the Reds’ clubhouse…you down with this shit dude? Even if you twist this in to somehow not being a dig at you and the 48 other ex-Cardinals on the Reds roster, then at least its gotta piss you off taking cheap-shots in the media at your buddies right? You gonna take care of this?

Tony LaRussa picked up on this little nuance himself, pointing that fact out to Fox Sports Midwest’s B.J. Rains last night after the game:

Upon hearing the quote, one Cardinals player asked, “Has Tony (La Russa) heard this?”

The Cardinals manager apparently had, telling the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: “I don’t think that will go over well in his own clubhouse. Phillips is ripping his teammates – Scott Rolen, Miguel Cairo, Russ Springer, Jim Edmonds – all the ex-Cardinals over there. He isn’t talking about this year. He is talking about the way we’ve always played and those guys are old Cardinals. Tell him he’s ripping his own teammates because they are all old Cardinals.

That’s cool man. Get the Cardinals jacked up for the game, it might be just what this team needs to get that spark going.

Oh…and Pujols would like to see you for a moment Brandon.

[Editor's Note: Yes, we make fun of the Cardinals all the time, but they're our Cardinals. Brandon Phillips can suck our balls.]

According to the Cincinnati Reds’ Twitter feed, they have just acquired former Cardinal Jim Edmonds.

This move continues ex-Cardinal GM Walt Jockety’s quest to rebuild his old Cardinal team in Cincinnati that currently includes Scott Rolen, Jason Isringhausen, Russ Springer and Miguel Cairo.

We hear a waiver deal possibly involving Fred Bird is next, but until then expect an Edmonds appearance later on in the upcoming series vs the Reds.

Update: It’s on ESPN now too.