Begin press release:
To: Everyone
Re: St. Louis ranking #1 in something
According to a recent study by Punching Kitty.com, St. Louis has come out on top, over all the major US metro areas, as the best city for…um…this crazy thing…it’s not really important.
“After pouring through all the data we have concluded that St. Louis finally has a study to hang it’s hat on as it came in the clear number 1 beating out San Francisco, CA, New York City, NY and Bald Knob, AR” said editor Mike Flynn. The list of factors that went in to the decision included:
- Number of times you get asked for money during the day (bonus points if its the same person multiple times.)
- Percentage of unused parks.
- Overall coverage of kids that are maybe eleven but still totally intimidate you when walking past them in the street.
- Chances of actually getting the cab you called and reserved.
- Ratio of actual and ironic mullets in the metro area.
- Number of BBQ places that people review as “It’s ok.”
- The dart test.
- Overall count of women in clubs that look ok until the light glints off that snaggletooth and then you go “Eh.” and hook up anyway.
Those are just a small sample of the thing taken in to account and actually, there were tons of factors that went in to this decision, but in the end St. Louis came out on top. Other notables in the list of 100 were Portland, OR coming in at 7, Las Vegas, NV sliding in at 11, Boise, ID at 34, Kansas City at 76 and Chicago at 99.
Dead last went to Detroit, MI as is required by the recently passed “All Lists Must End with Detroit, MI” law that went in to effect after Detroit collectively crapped itself and then rolled over and slept in it back in 2008.
