That headline is legit! We swear to G…eh. Better not do that in this post. Seriously though, Kurt Warner took some time the other day to tell Tim Tebow, he who’s name in verb form means a quick post-game prayer in the middle of the freaking field or any other random place (Tebowing.com), to give it a rest with the God talk.

“You can’t help but cheer for a guy like that,” Warner said of Tebow. “But I’d tell him, ‘Put down the boldness in regards to the words, and keep living the way you’re living. Let your teammates do the talking for you. Let them cheer on your testimony.”

“I don’t want anybody to become calloused toward Tim because they don’t understand him, or are not fully aware of who he is. And you’re starting to see that a little bit.”

No one tells Tim Tebow to stop talkin’ god! Unless…Oh snap. Kurt Warner is clearly the quarterback on Team Satan now, meaning he’ll soon be saying dirty words like “evolution” and dancing like one of those homosexuals!

That was a joke at first, but now it makes a lot of sense. How else could you explain the sudden upgrade in attractiveness with Brenda a few years back?

via Off The Bench

The St. Louis Rams won Sunday! Yea! This is somewhat important news unless something else happens!

It was strange and ugly, befitting the status of two teams with a combined record for 4-12 entering the game. But the Rams were beneficiaries of rare good fortune, with a potential game-winning field goal by Cleveland going awry on a fouled up…

Woah! Shut up Jim Thomas! No one cares about the Rams accidentally winning a game because the Cardinals just did something: Gutsy ex-catcher Mike Matheny is the new manager!

Embracing organizational ties and intangibles over dugout experience, the Cardinals have hired former Gold Glove catcher Mike Matheny to succeed Tony La Russa as manager.

The Cardinals are really hoping the Rams don’t win any more games this year, as they’re not sure what crazy news they’re going to have to announce to white out over a third Rams win as it is. Sign Pujols? Make up a fourth mascot (Fred Bird, Puma, Rally Squirrel, …)? Move the team to East St. Louis? Actually say something not totally inane on their Twitter account? Eh. We wouldn’t bother spending much time thinking about that, and fill the time thinking about stuff that has a better chance of happening…like suggestions on where we should buy new pants after our penis enlargement pills start to kick in.

via STLToday (x2) and ESPN

…this photo of Tony La Russa trying to put on a Sam Bradford jersey before the Rams took on the Saints!

We’re not sure if TLR was going for a a Edmonds-style half-shirt thing here, or after being in baseball for so long he’s completely incapable of putting on a jersey that doesn’t button down the front.

Update: Woah! …and Tony just retired. Wow. Apparently that jersey was really a bitch to take off too.

Not well. Not. Well.

The Cardinals were taken to school by a guy who’s playoff beard looks a hell of a lot like the lip fur our old 3rd grade bus driver, Bertha rocked, and the Rams just continued to suck at their usual level.

At least the Rams are consistent, and have been all year right? That’s something. That’s important enough for a reward!

Awww…that’s nice. Former Pittsburg head coach, and Super Bowl winner, Bill Cowher, thoughts?

Despite the loss, the Cardinals seem to be in better shape with Chris Carpenter going tomorrow…and if you’re searching for that silver lining, well at least if/when the Cardinals win the World Series, they’re assured to win it at home now.

Video Credit: MockSession.com

What have we done to deserve all these trickster St. Louis teams?

“Oh I, we’re the Cardinals. We’re going to be pretty good there year! …oh wait, no we won’t. Ooop! Lets make the playoffs suddenly…no we won’t, wait…yes we will…just…barely. Hello Phillies! *shot in the face* Just a flesh wound!”

“Hey everyone, we’re the Rams! We did a lot of good stuff last year and spent some money in free agency so everyone says we’re definitely going to be even better and will totally make the playoffs. Oh crap. Turns out we suck more balls than the Oreck Deluxe Handheld Vac. What? You didn’t catch that somewhat obscure infomercial reference? We know how you feel. We don’t catch anything. Ever.”

The Rams are obviously in a far worse state than the Cardinals and not just because we all like the Cardinals better and always will, like how your parents will always prefer your sibling/family pet/someone else’s kid slightly over you. No, the Rams are crap because they are crap. They can’t catch, they can’t protect Sam Bradford, they can’t stop the other team from scoring, and the coaches can’t adjust or fix it. Freaking pathetic. This team looks like another 1-15 team, which after all this rebuilding and high draft picks, the blame rests completely at the feet of the coaching and front office staff. This season just hurts even more because of the talent that is there and the confidence boost from last year.

Isn’t there an Air Bud sequel that we could at least try to run out there? Or maybe a monkey that could grab a jersey[1] or little kid that had an injury that somehow makes him good enough to play professional sports suddenly[2]? Maybe Coach Spags needs to take the team to the mean streets and play a pick up football game with some thugs who will teach them all to love the game and some important, game-changing skills like “knuckle-pucks latterals” or how to catch[3].

We’re running out of crappy sports movie references, so we’ve done all we can. The rest is up to you Coach Spags…because if you don’t get ready for firecoachspags.com! Which, by the way, is available. Just sayin’.

Photo Credit: ESPN

Did you know there is such a thing as “Ram Rules”? Well there is, and if you were hoping a bunch of numb-nuts in over-the-top Rams gear can go through the first 5 with you, then you just passed Ram Rule #0: Be so stupid you need instructions on how to cheer at a sporting event.

…earlier we mentioned those are just the “first” 5, and we say that no because we want to George Lucas all over this shit and make it worse, but because a there are clearly more than just 5 Ram Rules. Maybe they’re implied by the people that created this video, but actually…

Ram Rule #6: Implication is for nerds! Make stuff easy because we’re dumb!

Rams fans clearly need every instruction spelled out completely. What do we do if there’s a touchdown? Do we slow clap, make a lot of noise, or do a ramming action thing with your head that will just look like we’re all blowing each other on the TV broadcast?

Ram Rule #7: Don’t save your cheers for the long down-field pass to a wide receiver that actually catches it, because that’s just never going to happen.

Seriously, even if Bradford gets it down there, who’s going to catch it? Butterfingers Kendrick or Frying Pan Hands McGee? Don’t think so.

Ram Rule #8: Make sure you say stupid crap like “Dome-field Advantage” and “12th Ram”

Other popular sayings are, or will be, “Green Bay Rammed Our Asses Like Crazy Last Sunday” and “That shirtless guy two sections over sure is getting RAM-bunctious…oh and now he’s screaming at a 6 year old wearing the other team’s jersey. Fantastic.”

Ram Rule #9: Every time the Rams, in their 4-3 defensive set, blitz with the cornerbacks and they’re picked up by the other teams’ offensive linemen, but use an effective swim move to get past only to just barely miss the sack as the quarterback makes a 16 yard completion to their slot receiver up the middle, we wanna hear you yell: “Oh man I hate when that happens, they must have picked up our blitz package and we should think about putting some people in motion next time to draw the quarterback in to thinking we are falling back in to coverage, and what the hell was the secondary doing?! That guy was wide open!”!!!

Ram Rule #10: Always fall for marketing gimmicks.

A couple of years ago the Rams’ marketing team came up with a slogan like “Bring It” and we went 1-32 (or something), last year the theme was “Come see Sam Bradford play, maybe buy a hot dog and please don’t leave before the half” and we won 7 games. This crap doesn’t matter. Cheer however you’d like.