Six people were shocked while swimming in a Granite City swimming pool over the weekend, and while everyone is fine, the question remains: Why were they shocked?

Was there a loose wire in some part of the pool? Was there some foul play afoot? …or was it something more obvious? Maybe they were shocked when uncle Jerry belly flopped his suit right off…or maybe they were shocked only after finding out that Granite City is actually in Illinois and finally realized why their house was so cheap. It could have also been the total shock of Amy Winehouse dying, because weren’t we all surprised to see the reports of the “Rehab” singer being found on the floor of her flat? It may have been drugs, it could have been a body giving up after being so ugly for so long, or maybe there was a giant tumor under than beehive, who knows*!

The lesson for today? Drugs and Granite City pools are bad. They are both shocking and leave you dead or in the hospital when you could have been sitting on the couch in an air-conditioned house thinking of pun-based blog posts with a forced celebrity news tie-in.

Also, please please please if anything happens to us in the future, don’t let KMOV’s Brian Feldman (we would have linked to a bio, but KMOV doesn’t have one of him) do the live shot in his “radio voice” (watch the video on this KMOV story page). Someone grab him ahead of time and tell him to just talk normal. His voice makes the news like watching a really serious gameshow. We keep watching the news thinking he’s going to end the segment by giving the family “…a brand new Ford Mustang!” God we hope he makes them play Plinko first, it’s the best!

* It was drugs.

via KMOV

A St. Charles man has been arrested after he exposed himself to the patrons at Wapelhorst Park pool Tuesday.

The St. Charles County man, 53, pulled down his swimsuit, exposing his buttocks and genitals about 1 p.m. at the park’s public pool in the 1900 block of Muegge Road, police said. Several other customers, including children and seniors, were using the pool at the time.

We’ll give him credit for being confident enough to stare a public shrinkage viewing the face and still decide to go through with a plan, but maybe there’s a better way to go about drying off your winkie dink.

St. Charles Lt. Mike Akers said Wapelhorst Park staff ordered the man to leave the pool a few weeks ago for similar conduct, but he was not arrested then.

We’re giving out warnings for first-time dick flashers now? Really…that’s where public pools have sunk to? I guy hops out of the water, pulls his worm out and the staff says “Get outta here you rascal!” Was no thought given to the idea of calling the cops the first time? (“Should we call the cops?” “Nah, he’s cool. He definitely won’t do that again! I used to let him rummage through and sniff the bathing suits some of the kids left behind, but I said one more time and he looses that privilege.”) Who made that call, the 14 year-old head lifeguard? Man, they sure do run a tight ship over at the Wapelhorst Park pool. You can tell by their “Pool Rules” sign:

1. No running

2. No rafts or tubes are allowed in the pool

3. No roughhousing

4. No exposing yourself to everyone twice in a 30 day period.

5. No outside food or drink.

via STLToday

A community pool in Belleville had to shut down yesterday, during one of the hottest days ever in the history of time. Sure the water felt nice on such a hot day, but did it feel puking and parasite nice? Not sure. Maybe just invest in a Slip n’ Slide.

The health department told the city to use more chlorine after one swimmer became sick. After that, three more swimmers became ill.

Those kids sound like little pussies. You want to go to the local pool? You gotta be tough. Parasites just one of the many pool related dangers afoot! Pee, poo, parasites, bitchy moms, fat people that don’t do us the courtesy of a cover-up t-shirt, or worse yet fat people that do wear a t-shirt in the pool, but go with a white one! What the hell is that? How is that helping anything? In fact seeing that translucent fabric clinging to your man boobs and back rolls might be worse that just going shirtless. How do they not know that thing about white becoming see-through in water? Haven’t their parents ever been to Spring Break?

Then there’s the poor kids that just come up and wear regular shorts in the pool. Sure there is nothing structurally wrong with regular shorts in the pool, but what the hell? Swim trucks seem like they can’t be that hard to come by and its not like they go out of style. …don’t get us started on the cut-off jeans swimming trunks, aka swim jorts. There’s no reason for those. People with those deserve their parasites.

via KMOV