John Cuneo a 66 year-old teaching assistant at Sigel Elementary School was busted for molesting a mentally disabled child…and then probably molesting one more minutes later. …a maybe even accidentally molesting a few more, because to do something as brazen as this buttwipe did, you’re balls would have to be so big that incidental contact while walking the halls seems unavoidable.

Here’s the short version: A fellow school employee walks in a room to find Cuneo taking the boy’s hand and placing on his penis. Obviously outraged, the employee was walking back from just reporting the incident when she saw Cuneo walking yet another disabled kid in to a bathroom stall, causing her to report Cuneo yet again!

Here’s the official version:

Cuneo, an instruction care aide for the St. Louis Public School District, was caught placing the first boy’s hand on his penis. An employee who allegedly witnessed it was coming back from reporting the incident when she saw Cuneo enter the bathroom stall with another 4-year-old, also developmentally delayed. She alerted the school social worker, who entered the stall and found the boy with his pants down.

Cuneo is claiming that the second child needed help going to the bathroom, despite the parents’ insistence that he can go fine on his own, but Cuneo appears not to be claiming much of anything as far as the initial molestation. Good god man! Give us something other than “Um, he needed help peeing and since I figured I had a few minutes until the police got there because of the whole ‘making the other kid touch my penis’ thing I helped him out.” He didn’t even bother a “Oh the first kid? He was massaging out a crotch cramp I had. I usually go to an Asian massage place because of their little hands can really get in there, but who has the time for massages this time of the year? Plus ya got all these kids are just standing around with idle hands!” What is with these pervs lately with the complete lack of excuses? First we have Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky just totally admitting on NBC that “Well I shouldn’t have probably taken showers with those kids…” and now we have Cuneo who pretty much is following the same playbook. Sure you were caught red-handed and the excuse won’t really help anything, but try to fake some humanity and offer up something! It’s really hard to tell if all the honesty is because they don’t give a crap any more or because they just don’t understand any of this is all that horrible? Judging by the report on Cuneo so far, this asshole’s going to show up and court and say “Oh only the two counts of molestation? …wow! Well you really should have seen me getting after it before lunch! Does that projector work? …because I have slides!”

via STLToday

Robert Stevens, a 34 year old man from O’Fallon, Missouri, was charged with five counts of being a total perv after exposing himself to teenage girls on the internet.

A St. Charles Sheriff’s Department detective wrote in court documents that in September, Stevens opened five separate user accounts on the social networking site myYearbook.

The website captured the images of Stevens exposing himself and notified authorities. The default settings to communicate via webcam to other users was set so that Stevens could communicate with 13 to 17-year-old girls, the detective wrote.

Stevens admitted he opened the accounts, misrepresented his age, and exposed himself on the webcam, the detective wrote.

Holy shit!

…people actually use that myYearbook site? Have these kids never heard of Facebook? Seriously, have you ever heard anyone say “look me up on myYearbook!”? Just typing that felt weird. …oh and the showing your dick to underage girls thing too, but wow. myYearbook?! Is that where all the MySpace creepers went? If so, can someone post a bulletin that the illusion that you’re a14 year old is broken the minute your hairy old man balls make an appearance on camera?

You know this guy got quite the shock when the authorities showed up at his place to book him with cold hard proof from the website that he was putting his wang on camera for kids. This guy can probably barely work his Blackberry and then they throw down screenshots from the myYearbook “PenisFinderBot 3000″ and you know he had the crushing feeling of a future in prison mixed with a little bit of “Damn! They can tell if that’s a penis on camera with computers these days?! That is crazy…and really would have been nice to know that earlier.”

via STLToday

A Wentzville tatto shop owner is facing gun and drug charges, which is a total bummer since he’s already in trouble for getting caught video taping women in his shop’s bathroom. The real shame of all of this is the lost of trust, because if you can’t trust your small town creepy tattoo artist to not shoot you or videotape you in the horrible little bathroom, then what do you have in this world?!

Court documents say that when a customer told him she wanted a piercing removed from her belly, he pulled out a hand gun and told her that “this would remove it.”

If we were that lady, we’d be less worried about this chosen piercing removal tools and more concerned about his little squinty eyes. Look at those things! They’re barely bigger than his nostrils! How is this guy tattooing anything correctly, let alone shooting off belly piercings? Maybe that’s why she wanted it remved to begin with, we hear belly piercings are more sexy and easier to remove yourself, when they aren’t 5 inches off center.

via STLToday

Hermann, Missouri’s high school band director is having a rough week after being accused of sending “sexually explicit” emails to a student. Something about blowing his woodwind we’re guessing.

Among the charges against 31-year-old Joshua James are furnishing pornography to a minor and “using a child in a sexual performance”.

The alleged contact took place between James and a 16-year-old female student in the Gasconade County school district, and reportedly involved illicit photos.

High school band director isn’t exactly a big-time gig or anything, but it still seems like a lot to gamble on hoping the fat girl won’t tattle on you for sending her dick photos.* Looking back on it now it did seem weird that when he would raise his arms up to hold a note, he would always do a little squeezing motion with his hands.

James has been released on bond and has resigned from his role as director.

* Oh whatever, we both know she’s probably a little round. Band chicks are like that. (If you’re not, send a photo. We’d love to see proof of the contrary.)

via KMOX

A St. Charles man has been arrested after he exposed himself to the patrons at Wapelhorst Park pool Tuesday.

The St. Charles County man, 53, pulled down his swimsuit, exposing his buttocks and genitals about 1 p.m. at the park’s public pool in the 1900 block of Muegge Road, police said. Several other customers, including children and seniors, were using the pool at the time.

We’ll give him credit for being confident enough to stare a public shrinkage viewing the face and still decide to go through with a plan, but maybe there’s a better way to go about drying off your winkie dink.

St. Charles Lt. Mike Akers said Wapelhorst Park staff ordered the man to leave the pool a few weeks ago for similar conduct, but he was not arrested then.

We’re giving out warnings for first-time dick flashers now? Really…that’s where public pools have sunk to? I guy hops out of the water, pulls his worm out and the staff says “Get outta here you rascal!” Was no thought given to the idea of calling the cops the first time? (“Should we call the cops?” “Nah, he’s cool. He definitely won’t do that again! I used to let him rummage through and sniff the bathing suits some of the kids left behind, but I said one more time and he looses that privilege.”) Who made that call, the 14 year-old head lifeguard? Man, they sure do run a tight ship over at the Wapelhorst Park pool. You can tell by their “Pool Rules” sign:

1. No running

2. No rafts or tubes are allowed in the pool

3. No roughhousing

4. No exposing yourself to everyone twice in a 30 day period.

5. No outside food or drink.

via STLToday

When you’re 17 you do some crazy stuff. One summer a few of us guys decided to make a pact to get laid before we went to college, it was a wild time trying to get laid and win the bet. One guy screwed a pie, another guy banged the other dude’s mom and along the way we coined the term MILF that is still a popular parlance today. That may have actually been a movie I saw when we were 17, but still…wild times. We remember the popcorn was pretty buttery and we when realized we didn’t have any napkins…we wiped our hands on the seat. Right on the seat! …long story short, we felt horrible about it and told the janitor right after the movie, but oh man! You should’ve seen the look on his face! It was probably a lot like the look on a Godfrey woman’s face after Latayuss Curry showed her his chubby in the Schnuck’s parking lot. …nailed it! That is how you segue my friends!

The KMOV Channel 4 report on the incident says…

Latayuss Curry approached the female victim outside the Godfrey Schnuck’s Grocery Store and asked her for the time.

Ok, you know this is going to end, but what we really want to know KMOV is: Did she give her eventual eye-rapist the correct time?

She proceeded to tell him the correct time.

Oh, thank goodness! …We’re not kidding. KMOV is actually reporting that she gave him the correct time. Not sure how they can be so confident in that statement, but ok, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Curry then pulled down his pants and exposed himself. The victim became alarmed…

Here we go! we bet she was alarmed! What’d she do KMOV? Kick the guy? Stab him? Was she packing heat and splattered the guys junk everywhere?

…and walked to her car

She really doesn’t actually seem all that alarmed. Time to take it up a notch Latayuss!

Curry followed her to her car and exposed himself again.  The victim told police he also rubbed his body up against her.

We would have just moved up to shaking it a little, but actually putting it on her is a bold move. How do you follow that one up?

Curry then took the victim’s wallet…

Ah.

…but the victim was able to take it back immediately.

Well, not everything can work out perfectly. Plus, where were you going to put it with your pockets around your thighs?

Curry fled the area on foot.

Good move. At this point, that’s all you can do. Show’s over.

Interestingly enough, Latayuss Curry was only recently linked to this incident after being arrested a few days later on a separate charge. As for the lady? She’s probably going to stop wearing her watch. Only perverts don’t know what time it is.

via KMOV