“What? No! You’re crazy. He’s not like that at all!”

“We need a van because the extra cargo space is nice, ok?!”

“What do you mean we need more Butterfingers? Didn’t I just buy a bunch of them!?”

“Oh come on mom! How does someone look like a pedophile?”

“Hey honey? Can I borrow your phone for a second I gotta check the traffic for my dri…what the hell is this?!”

A 34-year-old man from Wright City is jailed on child porn charges after his fiancee turned him in.

Authorities say that the woman found sexually explicit photos of an 11-year-old girl on Randall Abernathy’s cell phone.

We’re guessing the wedding is off, and that there’s one crazy big “I told you so!” waiting for the next time she visits her mom.

Investigators determined that Abernathy had been taking photos of the girl for the last year, and also had “deviate sexual contact” with the victim.

We really don’t want to be the one to say “Geez, what did you think lady? This guy reeks of pedophilia!” …wait, that’s not exactly how I wanted that to sound. To be clear: We have no idea what “deviate sexual contact” with a minor smells like! However this guy does have that “I touch kids” vibe to him doesn’t he? The neck beard, the lazy eye, his iPhone’s wallpaper, the little kid on a leach he brought with him to the arraignment…

Note to all ladies: Guys like “School Girl” outfits, but when you put one on and he says, “Eh…I was hoping for footie pajamas and a pacifier.” it’s time to take another look at that phone because that might not be “his niece the gymnast” and it might not be true about how he said “Gymnasts never wear pants!”

via KMOX

Justin Rigali was the Archbishop of St. Louis until he got all big time a few years ago and bolted to Philly for the same job. What’s Philly have that we don’t? Cheesesteaks, sure…and some busted ass bell, a bunch of crappy fans…oh and a bunch of pedophile priests.

A report appearing in Monday’s Philadelphia Daily News said Cardinal Justin Rigali has submitted a letter of resignation to Pope Benedict XVI, and the pope is expected to accept Rigali’s resignation as early as Tuesday.

How many dirty priests does it take to get a high-level Archbishop, a Cardinal in fact, to resign his post? Oh about 40 or so.

According to the Philadelphia Daily News, a grand jury report in February 2011 slammed Regali and the Philadelphia Archdiocese, accusing them of a widespread cover-up and keeping nearly 40 clergymen active in the priesthood despite claims of abuse.  Initially, Cardinal Rigali said no active priests had been accused of sexual abuse. However, Rigali suspended 21 accused priests in March.

Nope, no priests here that molest kids! Not in Philly…oh wait, here’s a few. 24 of you please leave, the rest of you take your leather alter boy gimp masks, load them up in your church vans filled with candy and “trust your priest” pamphlets and get out of here you crazy bastards! The rest of you, it’s time you became middle school history teachers / wrestling coaches.

This whole Catholic priests boning kids thing is a really bummer, and not at all as cool as the Dan Brown-type scandals we’d much prefer to uncover. When you find a secret room in a rectory you want it to be filled with secret maps and dog-eared ancient texts about the origins of religious thought, rather than an over-circled church camp photo and 5 posters of Justin Bieber.

via KSDK

Two children got a little more than used coats at the Fairview Heights Goodwill store earlier this year…apparently there was a sale on trouser snakes this past October.

A registered sex offender from St. Louis was charged Tuesday with two counts of sexual exploitation of a child for allegedly exposing himself to two children inside the Fairview Heights Goodwill Store, according to the St. Clair County state’s attorney.

Jeffrey Hudacek, 42, is accused of committing the acts on Oct. 30.

The Goodwill store?! Is that the best place to whip it out in front of kids? …ok, we guess there isn’t really a “good” place to whip it out in front of kids, but one would think even the dumbest of pervs would have a better plan in place than “ok, the minute they turn the corner there by rack full of old Cowboys Starter jackets, I’ll whip it out! Can’t. Fail.” Kudos to him to for at least having something to whip out though. Usually the mix of old person smell mixed with the visual of fat women going through clothes from the 90′s that say shit like “Yo Quiero Taco Bell!” on them, and then holding one up while saying “Now this is pretty cute!” to her just-as-fat daughter, makes our bits go right back up inside. Last time we went in there for a Halloween costume, it took three Katy Perry music videos to get it to come back out.

Hudacekis in St. Louis County police custody with a $250,000 bond, and like everything at Goodwill, has been around the block before. He was previously convicted of “first-degree sexual misconduct by contact” in 2003,

via STLToday

Joseph Emil Klug has two things that will follow him to the grave:

1. Joseph Emil Klug has to be one of the worst names of all time. Can you imagine having that societal lead weight at the top of every grade school test and the bottom of every check you sign? “Beverly, I love  you. Will you be Mrs. Joey Emil Klug?” “Eww. Pass.” It’s hard to mess up a solid, no nonsense name like Joseph, but they freaking did it.

Where were we? Ah yes, the other reason why no one likes this guy…

2. He’s got a huge collection of porn! …No! No high-fives. Stop it!  …child porn.

After an FBI search of Klug’s home, Klug said that he had 80-100 gigabytes of child porn, much of it featuring boys ages 8 to 13, prosecutors said. Investigators found the pictures and videos and discovered other images Klug had made by filming boys with a hidden camera, they said.

Klug plead guilty to charges of production and possession of child pornography, which was probably the best move considering the FBI found “59,000 pictures and 12,000 videos” on his computer. Saying “Um, I think all that stuff came on there when I bought it….yeah I remember them saying a trial version of Word and 8 gigs of kiddie porn came with every E-Machine a few years back.” might have been enough for reasonable doubt though.

The question remains though: Did the horrible name cause him to be a pedophile or did his parents see this coming, thus giving him a horrible creepy name?

via STLToday

I’m not sure how many sleep-over age girls we have as readers, but here’s a tip for them anyway. If  every time you ask your Dad “Can I have my friend sleep over tonight?” and he says “Yeah!  Totally! Invite some more friends actually! I have plenty of pillows for a fight, and tons of NyQuil laid out downstairs next to the video camera I don’t ever leave on. Oh that light? That means it’s off.” he’s a pervert and you should probably tell someone.

The latest perv in our midst is one Eduardo Oritz Cervantes of Woodson Terrace and as you may have guessed from our beautifully worded intro, he used his daughter as bait.

A warrant was issued for Eduardo Oritz Cervantes, 42, for two counts of 1st degree child molestation and 3rd degree assault in St. Louis County Circuit Court.

Cervantes’ daughter reportedly often had girls stay the night, and he is accused of inappropriately touching the victims in their sleep.

One time I had a sleep over where the cable didn’t work so instead of sneaking some Skin-a-max action, like the plan, we had to watch whatever lame family movie tapes we had on hand and then, probably because all of the excitement, I had a bloody nose so everyone had to watch my dad come down in his whitey-tighties to help me and clean up. Pretty much ruined me for all of 5th – 8th grade.

We’re guessing the social stigma might end up being a little worse for the poor little Cervantes girl. Probably should just move.

via Globe Democrat

We’ve been following this case here at Punching Kitty since we basically first launched over a year ago and it looks like its finally come to a close.

Former producer for local sports talk outfit KFNS Ryan Huff has been  sentenced to 25 years in prison after pleading guilty to…deep breath…two felony counts of production of child pornography, one felony count of enticement of a child, one felony count of receipt of child pornography, two felony counts of possession of child pornography and one felony count of transferring obscene material to a minor.  Whew!

In case that’s not clear enough, lets revisit the initial report from Jan 24th, 2009 on this very site:

Apparently Huff met the girls on “an internet chatroom,” which could mean anything since I’m guessing the reporter on the KMOV video I watched doesn’t know the difference between this very site and and actual “internet chatroom.”  After the meeting online, the two went to the movies, on a “date,” and then back to a house where they were joined by another 13 year old girl.  Shortly after her arrival they started partaking in sexual activity.  Huff’s alleged Playskool Orgy was noticed only after photos were taken and the girls where showing them around school!

Unfortunately for Huff, current Missouri state and federal laws don’t allow you to add the ages of your simultaneous sexual partners together to try to get a number above 18.

You know sometimes you really want the punishment to fit the crime and in this case it kinda does since we have a feeling Huff is going to be made uncomfortable by an older gentleman soon just like those girls.

What you haven’t heard what they do in prison?  Its ridiculous…