An O’Fallon man is facing charges that include filing a false police report and leaving the scene of an accident, all because he’s a big pussy who’s afraid of his wife.

The accident happened Tuesday night near the intersection of Weldon Spring and Highway K, just outside the O’Fallon, Missouri city limits.  St. Charles County Sheriff’s Deputies said the man wrecked his car and then reported that he had been carjacked.  According to reports, the man told authorities a guy with a Glock pistol forced him out of his car and took off.

The man then walked home and told his wife what happened.  The investigating deputies later determined the man wrecked his car and, in attempt to hide the accident from his wife, said he was carjacked.

Dude wrecks his car on Highway K in O’Fallon, and the best excuse he could come up with was that he was car jacked?! Who or what would car jack you on Highway K?! A deer? Maybe it was a raccoon, they look like cute little highway bandits with their built-in mask, so maybe it was one of them? Come on man! You’d have had a better shot saying…well…anything else. Maybe you almost hit a deer and vered off the road?  Maybe one of them gay marriages was happening on the side of the road and you crashed your car to heroically (in St. Charles County) stop it? Maybe aliens saw you coming and ditched the crop circle game to instead bust out the anal probe, but you narrowly escaped by performing a precise swerve maneuver following by the most bitchin’ doughnut anyone has ever done to launch yourself off the back of a dump truck bed you used as a ramp, knocking the alien ship off course and causing them to leave the planet and abort their evil plot…but during your landing, while high-fiving NASCAR driver Dale Earnhart Jr., who you happened to be giving a personal driving lesson to that night, you lost control and wrecked your car (Dale had to jet right after, since he didn’t want the public to know about the driving lessons). Hell, maybe it’s not so bad that you just crashed your car because of a general “things happen”-type accident?

Nah, go with the aliens thing.

via KMOV

Robert Stevens, a 34 year old man from O’Fallon, Missouri, was charged with five counts of being a total perv after exposing himself to teenage girls on the internet.

A St. Charles Sheriff’s Department detective wrote in court documents that in September, Stevens opened five separate user accounts on the social networking site myYearbook.

The website captured the images of Stevens exposing himself and notified authorities. The default settings to communicate via webcam to other users was set so that Stevens could communicate with 13 to 17-year-old girls, the detective wrote.

Stevens admitted he opened the accounts, misrepresented his age, and exposed himself on the webcam, the detective wrote.

Holy shit!

…people actually use that myYearbook site? Have these kids never heard of Facebook? Seriously, have you ever heard anyone say “look me up on myYearbook!”? Just typing that felt weird. …oh and the showing your dick to underage girls thing too, but wow. myYearbook?! Is that where all the MySpace creepers went? If so, can someone post a bulletin that the illusion that you’re a14 year old is broken the minute your hairy old man balls make an appearance on camera?

You know this guy got quite the shock when the authorities showed up at his place to book him with cold hard proof from the website that he was putting his wang on camera for kids. This guy can probably barely work his Blackberry and then they throw down screenshots from the myYearbook “PenisFinderBot 3000″ and you know he had the crushing feeling of a future in prison mixed with a little bit of “Damn! They can tell if that’s a penis on camera with computers these days?! That is crazy…and really would have been nice to know that earlier.”

via STLToday

A summer band camp in O’Fallon, IL is being investigated after a complaint that marijuana-laced brownies were given out as a prank. To us, this “prank” sounds like a way to waste your pot on a bunch of band geeks, but maybe there’s one of those overly hot ones these guys really wanted to see if they could get her high and…have her blow your woodwinds if you get what we’re putting down. You know, there’s usually at least one chick in the band that is abnormally hot. She’s still a total dork usually, but that’s the beauty of it. Girls that are hot and know they are hot are the worst, but who are hot and don’t know they’re hot? That little miracle is how shallow end guys date in the deep end.

Police say the brownies secretly tainted with marijuana were given to 23 students at the camp, but none of them experienced ill effects.

…so then how the hell did anyone know?

Police say they learned of the prank after one suspected student told another about it, and that student reported it to a school official.

That little bitch! Oh man. Game over son. 1. You’re already in the band, and now 2. You’re ratting out guys giving out pot brownies? Kids of O’Fallon Township High School: If you ever want to give this “student” the old “What a dickfor?” joke, we wouldn’t bother as at this rate he really won’t know until he’s 36 and clumsily rolling around with the big lady he met at a his mother’s church event. Both of them will end up crying at the end, and it will be another 12 years before he knows if he got his fingers in third base or just that permanently moist space between belly rolls 5 and 6.

via KMOX

O’Fallon, MO police have taken Robert Finger in to custody  and charged him with two counts of statutory sodomy and one count of attempted child molestation.

…and yeah, this (alleged) child molester’s name is Finger. Also, that picture on the right isn’t a sketch we made of what the classic molester guy looks like, that’s Mr. Finger himself. …oh and one more little thing:

Prosecutors said Finger had a prior sex offense in Tennessee but had not registered as a sex offender in Missouri despite living here for about four years.

How did a guy with priors, who looks like that, and has a name of “Finger” get anywhere near a child in this day and age? It seems like you can’t help a crying child any more out of fear of people accusing you of being a pedophile, but this guy, with an intact perv mustache, is picking off kids in O’Fallon with no problem?! We know the whole “don’t just a book by it’s cover” deal, but in this case it seems like a reasonable assumption.

If you’re wondering why a man with Bob’s predilections didn’t file the paperwork to change his name to something a little less suggestive, he did actually. His name used to be Robert Childrape. We’re pretty sure it’s a German name.

via STLToday

Lincoln Pringle, a 37 year-old man from O’Fallon, Missouri was arrested on February 11th after he took some liberties with a fellow apartment gym visitor. Pringle lifted the woman’s shirt and tried to grab some boob, but the woman deflected the attempt and called the police. Not only did the cops take one look at Pringle and totally believe the woman, but they went to the Post Dispatch and put a call out begging other ladies to speak up if Pringle has tried to attack them.

Pringle is currently out a $10,000 bond and has a court date of March 16th in front of the St. Charles County Circuit Court.

…

Whew! Did you notice?! We got through the whole story without throwing out a Pringle Chip joke. Something like…

The cops believe this isn’t Pringle’s first offense, since, as we all know, we can’t ever get away with just one Pringle!

or…

The St. Charles Country procesutors office is asking that anyone with knowledge of a previous assault by Mr. Pringle, please contact them immediately. Here is a file photo:

A lesser site would just slip cheap jokes like that right in to the main part of the story, but not us. A woman was attacked for God’s sake, and those sites will be spending their time thinking up potato chip jokes?! Completely inappropriate. Not us. No sir! The woman just wanted to get her sweat on and Pringle took advantage, nothing funny about that and he had no right…well…she may have had “the fever”. What fever? The fever for the flavor of the Pringles of course! Brad Pitt even had it once:

…they’d probably make a joke like that too wouldn’t they? Shame on them.

via STLToday

A man attempted to rob an O’Fallon, Missouri gas station holding only box cutters…and it worked somehow.

Authorities say a man walked into the Phillips 66, 2700 Technology Drive, near Interstate 64 about 10 a.m., threatened a clerk with box cutters and demanded cash.

The man ran out with less than $200 and hopped into a car believed to be a Honda Civic waiting outside, authorities said. No one was hurt.

How did this work? “Give me some money or I’ll stab you with this really short knife? …you know, the kind of cut you get when you are opening a box and  you slip and hit your finger. Those really sting and make it hard to type for a couple of days. The cost of little band-aids alone is daunting I’m sure, so just give me $200 bucks and I’ll be on my way.”

Only in St. Charles would a plan like that work. Try that crap with any city gas station and the clerk will laugh at you, show you his old wounds and then shoot you. “That’s not a knife wound…this is a knife wound!” Bam. You’re dead. Seriously, take your little box cutters to a North City Shell station and you let me know how that turns out. You probably won’t even get the chance to threaten the clerk because the guy robbing the place just before you entered would shoot you first with his semi-automatic weapon. Don’t worry, the guy that robs the place just after you should push you aside, or at least step over you, to get to the clerk, which is just common courtesy. If you didn’t have that, how could you effectively rob every gas station 5 times a day? You couldn’t, it would be a logistical nightmare!

via STLToday