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The Cardinals haven’t had a game broadcast by the fat, large-foreheaded, bad-suited ESPN figure-head Chris Berman in a while, and even though Mike Shannon tries his best to ruin the Cardinal radio broadcasts, (He’s like your crazy uncle everyone thinks is cute when he hugs your girlfriend for too long and moans.) Berman ruins the name of your favorite players like no one in the business. In the meantime, we can only pretend by making up long-form nicknames.

Here are our best imitation as to what Berman would call some of the more prominent Cardinals:

1. Albert “I’m playing like Poo“ jols

2. Daniel De…”…uh…hold on, give me a second…shoot. I got nothin’.” scalso

3. Yadi “I sure could use a few Mo hits” lina

4. David “I better Freese because if I move I hurt myself”

5. Adam “Back in high school there was this guy named Wain. He was a pretty good guy, seemed nice enough, though I never really hung out with him much, and I’m pretty sure he was kinda stupid. I think he went in to the Army or something and I actually don’t remember him at graduation now that I think about it. So long story short, I heard a few years back that he got in some accident and it was in the paper and my mom was like ‘Don’t you know this guy?” and I was like ‘Yeah.’ and then she was like he was like “You guy’s always hung out right?” and, you know mom’s, I’m all like “No!”. I never did hear, but I’m sure he’s all” wright “Oh, yeah he played baseball.”

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According to Bernie Miklasz, Pujols has told the media and the fans to stop calling him “El Hombre” because of possible disrespect to Cardinal great Stan Musial.

“I don’t want to be called that,”  Pujols said. “There is one man that gets that respect, and that’s Stan Musial. He’s the Man. He’s the Man in St. Louis. And I know ‘El Hombre’ means ‘The Man’ in Spanish. But Stan is The Man. You can call me whatever else you want, but just don’t call me El Hombre.”

See the think about nicknames are, if you give one to yourself, its usually lame and is thus ignored.  You have to be given a nickname, and then when you do get one, you really can’t say “stop calling me that”. Doesn’t work that way.  It wasn’t yours to create, and you can’t take it away.

We aren’t saying we think Pujols is being mean or unjustified to ask, although we don’t see it as disrespectful to Musial, but it just doesn’t work that way…yes, even if you are Albert Pujols.

Maybe this will do it though, maybe people will stop calling him that.  Probably not though.  I know when I was in my younger days I had a nickname and I didn’t want to be called, so I politely asked that they quit it. My request fell on dead ears though and thats how I found out that some tattoo parlors will actually give a tattoo to someone that clearly doesn’t want it and how expensive laser removal is.