St. Louis has another casino.  Let me guess, its name has “arch”, “gateway” or “river” in it.

The [River City] casino opened after a parade and ceremonies where St. Louis Cardinals’ baseball Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith pulled a lever on an oversized slot machine to officially open the doors. The 90,000 square foot casino game floor features more than 2,000 slot machines and 55 table games.

The odd thing with non-Las Vegas casinos is that they are pretty much old folks home that serve drinks to young people at night.  Come to think of it, even the Vegas casinos are kinda like that, but they are so crazy you can’t tell as much.

Think I’m wrong?  The grand opening of a casino was at 2pm on a Thursday.

2:00pm in the middle of a work day.

Yeah, I bet all kinds of young people and businessmen came flocking out for that ribbon cutting.

Not only that, but I bet like all casinos, they keep it cold as hell in there…kinda like they are trying to perserve something…a casino like this in Lemay, Missouri might as well just cut the crap and start pumping in formaldehyde in through the vents.

via Globe Democrat

I don’t want to shock any of you, but apparently we are going through some kind of economic depression.  Its been a bit of a secret, but apparently it is hitting the city of St. Louis.  Get ready for the budget cuts! What are we talking about?  City Hall jobs could be cut, less trash pick up, down to once a week, and even possibly losing the Forest Park Rangers!

People living in St. Louis city are bracing for the budget ax to fall. the board of aldermen are looking for ways to cut millions of dollars from the city budget.

Mayor Slay’s spokesperson, Jeff Rainford, says it’s the city’s pension plan that’s causing the massive shortfall. He sys police, fire and many city workers have pensions that are virtually guaranteed.

Some of the proposed solutions for St. Louis’ money woes:

10. Over/under pools on number of murders in the city from month to month.

9. “St. Louis City Police: We’re Officially Cool With Bribes Now!”

8. Every bridge to Illinois now has a toll.

7. What kid wouldn’t want to have Mayor Slay appear at their birthday party?!

6. “Well, exactly how on fire is your house?  Gas ain’t cheap lady!”

5. Do you ever wonder what happens to all the coins people throw in the fountains around the city?  Stop wondering.

4. The mayor will take a substantial pay cut. Well, lets not go crazy!

3. Hey Matt Holliday!  Wanna buy Wellston?

2. The new VP Fair: The Spin Doctors. On every stage.  Every night.

1. Once their check clears on the Arch, Cincinnati Ohio will be the new gateway to the west!

via KTVI

According to St. Louis Public Radio KWMU some crazy rich guys is playing sport with a sack full of money and the Science Center a la “Brewster’s Millions” or “The Most Dangerous Game”

The St. Louis Science Center has launched an end-of-the-year fund-raising push in order to secure $500,000 from a long-time supporter.

The museum must raise the same amount by December 31st. Science Center president Doug King says the museum has received similar challenge grants in the past, but they have been limited to specific projects.

…its a little more of the former than the later, but we don’t have the whole story so we’ll never know!

It may sound like a lot of money to raise before the end of the year, but if movies have taught me anything I know the following things can’t fail:

- Benefit concert. (Wayne’s World 2)

- Dance recital. (Honey, Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo)

- Catalina Wine Mixer (Step Brothers)

- Despite my lack of smoothness with the ladies I will eventually win over the sexy girl that has never noticed me until senior year by some completely out of character act of heroism. (Pretty much every movie ever)

The first three are for you Science Center, the last one’s all mine.

Dude!  Oh man, what’s up?!

Don’t you recognize me?!  It’s St. Charles man!  Your boy St. Chuck!  …look, I’ve got a problem man.  Could I get a few bucks from  you?

No no no no!  Its not like that.  Its just…man…times are tough dude and I…I just need a little cash right now to get me through.

Ok ok.  Its not charity man!  I’m selling some stuff!   …um look, here’s a list.  See anything there you like?

I’ve got a Palm!  …kinda like an iPhone.  You need eight cardboard magazine holders?  No?  How about some well worn, 50 foot microphone cables?  Oh wait!  A Zip Drive!  You wanna a Zip Drive?  Its the eight track of the computer world dude!  You need to store something more than a floppy disk but don’t want to care around a cumbersome thumb drive with 22x the storage?  Zip drive that crap dude!

…lets see…what else do I have…

A doorbell that I’m not sure works?  Hmmm?  Office chair, with arms?  You love arms!

…ok fine, then how about you give me five bucks and I won’t stab  you?

[Editor's Note: Everything listed in bold is the exact description from the list of crap they are "auctioning" off Sunday.]

Via our tipsters and STLToday.

So here’s the scam: The state of Missouri arrests and jails people.  Sometimes those people leave for whatever “unauthorized” reason, like prisoners that walk away from half-way homes or just those that just straight up escape…and when that happens, the State just takes the money they left in their prison bank accounts.

Is that right?

The Missouri Department of Corrections says “Yes!” but Auditor Susan Montee says “No!”

Call it the $1 million state bonanza, courtesy of escaped prisoners and halfway house walkaways.

Over about 15 years, thousands of Missouri inmates and parolees who left the state’s custody without authority also left behind money in prison system bank accounts.

Now, the Missouri Department of Corrections is using the money to upgrade computers for staff members who run the inmate canteen, or store.

In an audit released Monday, Montee said that after child support and other court-ordered obligations for the inmates were paid, the remaining funds should go to the state’s unclaimed property division.

That means the money could end up in the escapees’ hands — if they returned to claim it. A spokesman for state Treasurer Clint Zweifel, who runs the unclaimed property division, said the office was reviewing the audit.

So now they are fighting over past court rulings and arguing over who owns what but really, I think the answer here is simple: STOP LETTING PEOPLE ESCAPE SO FREAKING EASILY AND THIS WON’T BE AN ISSUE!

Are people just walking out of prisons?  And why aren’t we notified of this more often?  …and if the prison gets to keep the money, why wouldn’t a crooked warden like on Shawshank Redemption just let a particularly rich criminal walk out?  Seems like a win for both the inmate and the system…still a “lose” for that first girl he runs across that looks like the wife he killed to get in there but whatever.  Thats just one chick.  We are talkin’ guard tower lounge chairs!

P.S.  The one thing that strikes me as odd is that if one of those criminals said “Well yeah I took it, but because that person left it behind!” it wouldn’t stand up in court.  Thoughts?

via STLToday

A St. Louis area police officer pulled over a BMW for speeding the other day and when inspecting the car they found:

$54,200 bones.

Eight prepaid cell phones.

Several ID cards.

Six dozen Western Union reciepts.

17 midgets.

The driver claimed to have been working for an organization that had him buy a prepaid phone to get secret text message instructions on how and where to get cash to send out.  Sadly he won’t tell the authorities where the money or the instructions came from, but I think we both know it was some kinda of awesome sounding group like “Red Claw” or “The Anarchy League” that has a secret island lair that the paid an ass-load of money to make look like a skull.

Actually, now that I think about it, and island base for a large criminal organization is actually pretty dumb.  Couldn’t the world governments just go surround your island or hell just bomb the crap out of it?  It may seem weird to just get everyone together and go bomb the hell out of a island you don’t like, but I hear the Japanese are pretty good at that, so they could probably lead the charge.

Also, I should tell you that I made up the part about the midgets.  But you know what the crazy thing was?  You totally believed me.

Via The AP on Google News [Editor's Note: Take that Associated Press!  Totally linked to your post.  What are you gonna do about it?!  ...Didn't think so.]

Which local TV station is had this exchange their employees recently:

Station: You get a free 2 week vacation!

Employees: Woohoo!

Station: We aren’t going to pay you though.

Employees: D’oh.

Starting yesterday, Feb. 9th, signs will start popping up at the bus stops about the lines that are being killed off because the people in charge of Metrolink / Metrobus are morons.

Of course if you ask Metro president Bob Baer what can be done to fix it, he will tell you to help get a new transit funding measure on the ballot in St. Louis County in the spring of 2010.

…or we can just wipe our ass with that money and flush it down the john!

Are you one of the many that has to find a new way to work?  That sucks man.  …it doesn’t suck enough that I will drive you, but still…lame.

If you live in reach of Laclede Gas and you pay their rates you’re going to love this.  I mean you’re really going to love this! 

From BizJournals.com article “Laclede Q1 profit up 50%” [emphasis mine]:

Laclede Gas, the company’s core unit, saw its earnings rise 2.5 percent to $16.2 million in the recent quarter. The company attributed the increase to higher income from natural gas sales due to colder weather and higher surcharge revenue, offset by higher operating expenses and investment losses.

So…

Interview Guy: “Wow, you guys did pretty well in the first quarter, why do you think that is?”

Laclede PR: “We’ve been charging a lot more for gas.”

Interview Guy: “Huh.  I guess that would do it.”

Look at the stones on you Laclede.  Seriously, thats basically exactly how it went down!  Are you freaking kidding me?  Wow.

Ok, I think I have a few pitchforks…anyone want to supply the torches and meet by the old mill around 9p tomorrow?

Thats the question that a lot of local schools are asking and others are asking if its kosher to sell the naming rights of a school building like we do stadiums and hospital buildings.  

From The Post Dispatch’s recent article on the subject:

…school districts still worry that they need to lay out guidelines so they’re not caught unprepared for potentially inappropriate naming requests.

Those concerns have, in part, prompted at least seven area school districts to pass or revise policies in the past year that define the limits and specifics of naming rights. 

“We’re all at the point where this is something you’ll have to deal with,” said Mary Jane Driscoll, in charge of development and alumni relations for the Lindbergh School District. “When somebody’s standing there with the check, you don’t want to be standing there going, ‘Uh, duh, uh…’”

So when presented with a check from a company trying to buy naming rights to a school building you would respond like you, yourself were brought up in a St. Louis public school.  Awesome.

We at PunchingKitty know times are tough for schools and they are run by people that aren’t exactly all that bright, so we’ve decided to help with this easy guide…

Do name your buildings:

• The Gus’ Pretzels Cafeteria
• The Stan Musial Four Square Area
• Mike Shannon’s Language Center

Do not name your buildings:

• The InBev Back Parking Lot Where No One Will See You Drink
• The Ike Turner Teen Counseling Center 
• The Casino Queen Girls Locker Room: Home of the Loosest Slots Around!
• The Lee’s Pawn Shop Administration Building