O’Fallon, MO police have taken Robert Finger in to custody  and charged him with two counts of statutory sodomy and one count of attempted child molestation.

…and yeah, this (alleged) child molester’s name is Finger. Also, that picture on the right isn’t a sketch we made of what the classic molester guy looks like, that’s Mr. Finger himself. …oh and one more little thing:

Prosecutors said Finger had a prior sex offense in Tennessee but had not registered as a sex offender in Missouri despite living here for about four years.

How did a guy with priors, who looks like that, and has a name of “Finger” get anywhere near a child in this day and age? It seems like you can’t help a crying child any more out of fear of people accusing you of being a pedophile, but this guy, with an intact perv mustache, is picking off kids in O’Fallon with no problem?! We know the whole “don’t just a book by it’s cover” deal, but in this case it seems like a reasonable assumption.

If you’re wondering why a man with Bob’s predilections didn’t file the paperwork to change his name to something a little less suggestive, he did actually. His name used to be Robert Childrape. We’re pretty sure it’s a German name.

via STLToday

Reverend John Wieberg became a priest in 1918, retired in 1961 and died two years later. In the meantime, he served as a priest in southern Missouri as well as St. Charles County, and, according to St. Louis Archbishop Robert Carlson, he touched kids. Rebuttal Father Wieberg? …oh, that’s right, you’re dead.

Five people have come forward over the past few years alleging abuse that happened from the mid-1940s through the early 1960s, Phil Hengen, director of the archdiocesan office of Child and Youth Protection, said Monday. The archdiocesan Review Board also heard from relatives of a sixth person. The board deemed the allegations credible.

They better be credible, because getting your ass called out as a molester nearly 50 years after you died would suck butt (consenting adult butt of course) if you didn’t really do any of that. We must say though, it is rather good to see even just a section of the Catholic Church take this issue on, stand up and deal with it. Even if it is pertaining to a long since dead priest, maybe these people can move on easier with it out in the open.

…or…and we’re just spit-balling here…this is a new brillant move by the St. Louis Archdiocese. Think about it: Coming forward, admitting wrong…and blaming it on a guy that died 50 years ago! Damn that’s brilliant. Next steps in the healing process will be the piling on Father Wieberg by naming him as the cause of the following other foibles by the Catholic Church: Ignoring the Holocaust: “We wanted to talk discuss and condem it, but Wieberg was all like ‘Hell no! Lets just stay here and ignore that crap and focus on why we can’t ever find any good chinese here in Missouri.” or whatever it was that the Da Vinci Code said the church did: “Wieberg was totally down for covering all that stuff up. Oh, and the whole ‘Lets get a creepy albino guy to kill people and whip himself.’ deal? Totally Wieberg’s idea. Thought it would be hilarious. His first idea was a midget, but it didn’t work out logistically. He kept whipping the floor behind him instead of his back, and it was harder for him to kill people. Bruised a lot of shins though.”

via KMOV

Remember yesterday when everyone, including us, was in a tizzy over a guy who, according to authorities, tricked a front desk clerk into giving him a key to a little girl’s room and then kicked the chain off the door all to molest the girl and her friends? Ah, well, Daniel T. Hughes may not be the sinister girl groper that the initial report led everyone to believe.

He is, however, a total drunk ass.

Clayton Police Chief Tom Byrne said that Daniel T. Hughes, an Enterprise Rent-A-Car employee from the Philadelphia area, returned to the hotel “highly intoxicated” about 4 a.m. Sunday.

“He went up to the room number where he had been staying for a few nights before that at the Sheraton,” Byrne said.

Hughes told a front desk clerk that his key did not work. The clerk issued him another key for the room number he provided without checking to make sure that was the right room, Byrne said. The encounter occurred on the same floor where Hughes had stayed at the Sheraton hotel the previous three or four nights.

“He really had it all screwed up on what his room number was,” Byrne said.

We figured there had to be more to this story than the initial report, who’s story points seemed right out of a Lifetime Movie. How did this random guy from Philadelphia know the girl was in that room? Did he not think he was going to get caught? What sense does it make that he went from no prior history of issues to breaking down a door to cop a feel? Turns out all the answers to those questions is: “Drunk!” The story now seems to go that Hughes got ultra shitfaced, and stumbled to the hotel room he was sharing with his co-worker. He had previously been staying in room number whatever, and when he got to the Ritz, he went straight to that room, forgetting that which room he had moved to. The key wouldn’t work of course, so he went to get a new one. The front desk guy gave Mr. Drunkass a new key, which worked, but then there was only the chain between his chance to sleep this off, so he kicked the door in. …what happened when he got inside though? Did he scandalously grope the girls as the first report insinuated?  Um…no, it doesn’t sound like it in this report.

He entered a bedroom occupied by the 9-year-old girl and two 14-year-old girls — her sister and a friend. The two older girls slept through the incident, Byrne said. The girl’s mother heard a noise as Hughes entered but thought the noise was coming from the hallway.

The girl eventually alerted her parents, who were staying in a separate bedroom, that there was a man in her bed, Byrne said. The parents chased Hughes — who was wearing only underwear — from the room and called 911 from the phone in the hotel room.

Keep us honest, but it sure sounds like a drunken Hughes stumbled in, stripped down to sleep wear and passed out. No molestation. Hell, two of the girls slept through the whole thing! …usually not a complement when dealing with older, more willing ladies, but in this case, seems to help Hughes.

Currently Hughes is being charged with three counts of child molestation and one count of sodomy. How any of that went down seems pretty impossible after the updated report, and hopefully, pending final details, those charges should be dropped and replaced with public drunkenness and…we don’t know…something else that doesn’t mean he will have to tell his neighbors about when he gets back home or after any future moves. The second report sure sounded like the Clayton police were trying to put a damper on yesterday’s “Holy crap we caught a bad ass molester!” fervor.

“No matter what happens, it’s going to ruin him,” [Hughes' coworker] said.

Agreed. If the Clayton police have their story right this time, it sounds like this is a horrible story that should be something Hughes never lives down, not something that unfairly brands him with the scarlet letter of a sex offender. The only thing worse than that is being the guy that says “You know, I really liked 2 and a Half Men while watching Charlie Sheen’s live stream.” That show was god awful. You’re never going to live that down.

Tune in next week with the Clayton Police announce they caught Osama Bin Laden only to release a report the next day that there was a slight mix up and it will be a long time before the Clayton Police will ever get gyros for lunch unsupervised again.

via STLToday

Tricking a fancy hotel front desk person and kicking down doors are kinds of determination you really don’t see much of these days, which is too bad in a way, but in this particular way, it’s horrifyingly insane as it relates to a Pennsylvania man’s plan to break in to the room of a 9 year-old girl to cop a feel.

Clayton Police say Daniel Hughes, 42, of Conshohocken, Pennsylvania approached the the front desk around 4:00 a.m. Sunday and told the clerk he was staying in a specific room but that his room key wasn’t working.

The clerk issued him a duplicate key to the room he asked for.  The room he then had access to was occupied by a St. Louis family with no connection to Hughes.

You always see that play in the movies, but you think, nah, that wouldn’t really work…but here we sit, seconds after reading a block quote that says different.

Police say Hughes tried to enter the to the suite but the door was chained so he forced his way in and entered a bedroom occupied by a 9-year old girl and her two friends.

This guy is a one-man hotel security wrecking crew. Not only did he prove how easy it was to get a key to a room that wasn’t his, but then also destroyed the whole notion of “Well, I guess I’ll flip the chain thing closed too. Can’t be too safe!” Apparently you might as well have a screen door on the front of your Ritz Carlton suite.

Investigators say he molested the 9-year old. Her parents were in a separate bedroom. The girl eventually alerted them and they chased Hughes from the room.  Clayton Police arrested Hughes a short time later.

It feels like we say this at least once a day, but jesus, what the hell is this man? Steal a room key and kick in a door so you can get at a 9 year-old? Even Michael Jackson at least had the courtesy to invite the kids over for a roller coaster ride, this guy’s just busting in like a perverted SWAT team.

There has to be more to this story, but for now, Hughes is in county jail with a quater of a million bond, the front desk clerk at the Ritz Carlton has since resigned, and in another story about people going crazy over nine year-old meat, we drove past a Taco Bell today and the drive through line was really long. You people make us sick…you and the pervert.

via KSDK

We remember going to the St. Peters Rec-Plex back in the day. They played on song seemingly over and over again all day: “The House of Stone and Light” by Martin Page. You know the song…the one with the thing and the guy singing. Yeah, you got it. Anyway, great place for a kid though despite the constant repetition of one-hit-wonder mid-90′s Stonehenge anthems. The ice skating, the big water slide, basketball courts, having 29 year olds with Amish beards getting to second base with 10 year olds in the hot tub….wwwwhhhhhhhhaaaaaaatttt?! Was that a repressed memory or a thing that recently happened?! Tell me blockquote! Tell me!

Authorities say the alleged abuse happened on October 1st and was reported by another visitor at the pool. The visitor told police she could not see exactly what happened in the hot tub, but she reported what seemed like unusual behavior between 29-year-old Kevin Weckherlin and the 10-year-old girl.

According to a probable cause statement, filed in court, the girl told the investigator that Weckherlin touched her under her swimsuit in the hot tub.

I  know what you’re thinking: Is this Martin Page’s fault? Did the Rec-Plex’s incessent playing of “In the House of Stone and Light” cause this man to molest a little girl in freaking public?!  …No…well maybe a little…just kidding, no…but Page does say he is waiting for a little something:

Come the day I awake the child inside
In the house of stone and light
And when I go I will op – open my eyes
In the house of stone and light

Is the “house of stone and light” the Rec-Plex…is it the hot tub? Is the “child”..well, the child? Did Kevin Weckherlin “op-open” his eyes? Is Page referring to this very event some 16 years before it took place?! No, homeboy’s a perv. A very stupid perv.

via KMOV

This gentleman to the right with a five-o-clock shadow at 11am thought it would be a good idea to pose as a student to send nasty little text messages to underage girls. Can’t imagine how the wheels came of this seemingly perfect plan…

Bobby Smith, 32, of Pontoon Beach, IL, was charged with 2 counts of solicitation to meet a child.

Smith was indicating that he was a student named “Stevie Smith,” at the Granite City High School. Smith was soliciting sexual acts from the females in the text messages.

“Stevie” Smith? He’s only 32 but somehow thinks kids these days have reverted back to the 50′s where seemingly everyone was called Stevie, Wally and Mikey. When the hell did anyone that goes by Stevie ever get a chick?! This whole plot was screwed from the beginning, but according to prosecutors, a plan to get up under that training bra is illegal no matter how stupid it is.

Another mystery entirely is why Smith thinks he is too damn fancy a molester to look right in to the camera for his mug shot, instead choosing to go with the coy smile approach that has yet to work well with juries. I bet he text messages 12 year olds with his pinkies up too.

via KMOV