A meth lab explosion in Cahokia ended with two men arrested soon after and a third, Gary Morrison, who initially eluded capture, and found the time to update his Facebook profile with a photo of his charred face. A photo that police say will definitely be used against him in his up-coming court case.

“It is one of the few times in my 20-year law enforcement career when we have gathered evidence like this using Facebook,” Detective Joe Beliveau said.

…which would stand to reason, since Facebook has only been around for 8 years. At the time we’re sure this sounded like an interesting quote from a long-time law man, but it really doesn’t make sense or carry much weight when you think about it. It’s like saying “In my 20 years of Policin’ I’ve never seen a man killed while wearing a shirt that says ‘The Current Year is 2012′. Wild stuff!”

Along with a photo of his blistered face, Gary also included a pretty decent caption:

“I will tell you exactly what he posted.  He said ‘look at my face, it can meth you up,’” Beliveau said.

Pretty good right?! That’s a way better line than we would have assumed a meth-cooker could come up with and we would have loved to drop an awkward “Like” button click on that comment…but then felt weird about it and “Un-liked” real quick to make sure it didn’t already show up on our profile because what am I “liking” there? Meth usage? The funny comment? Sure we could do a comment explaining our like, but that’s so lame. Facebook is hard.

Alas the incriminating photo is no longer on Gary’s profile, but his hilarious linking to “Hard Knocks University” in the education section remains. He also left up his “awesome” picture of Jesus arm wrestling Satan in the clouds photo and judging by Gary’s meth facial and current incarceration we can probably guess that Jesus could stand to do a little more upper body work in the gym.

via KMOV

Meth is a serious problem for the world, and the midwest specifically. No one knows that more than Missouri and Illinois who have tried everything from technology to legislation to stem the tied of stinky, rash covered meth users. …ok not everything. There is one thing Illinois has left in it’s pocket. It’s been afraid to use it up until now, but dammit, it’s time to go all in! See if you can handle this meth addiction!

New posters are going up in Illinois pharmacies and drug stores, reminding customers that if they’re buying pills containing pseudoephedrine for meth makers, they are committing a crime.

It’s so obvious now. People that do, sell, or supply meth aren’t simply addicted to the money or high, it’s just that they need someone to gently and silently remind them that they are in fact committing a crime! Specifically the posters target folks that are buying pills and reselling them to meth cookers to skirt the legislated purchase limit, since the assumption is that they don’t realize they’re breaking the law, which is really really stupid.

“We get the sense that there are a lot of folks who don’t realize that when they’re simply purchasing pills, and then re-selling them to a meth-maker that they’re actually engaged in a crime. Our hope is that some of these people who are young, might be a little skittish once they learn that and will stop doing this.”

…because when someone, who is either a stranger or someone you know makes meth, has you buy something for them because they “can’t” it usually seems totally on the up and up, and not at all weird or illegal. A poster will snap you out of that misconception in no time! Of course the little poster on your pack of smokes, the one about joining the military, or the ones on the highway saying you should eat at Jack in the Box have had no effect on you, but this one is bigger, and on an easel, with “meth” in a crusty font unlike the rest of the poster so you know it’s bad. Yeah, this is totally going to work.

“Hey can I buy as much Sudafed as possible…wait a minute…*lips move while reading*…uh…nevermind. You! Boy! What day is it today?!”

“Why it’s October 6th sir!”

“Beautiful! Go and fetch me the largest goose you can find and deliver it to the Cratchit house! Today I am no longer buying meth ingredients for people, since the sign of ‘improbable arrest of the future’ has shown me the way!”

If Illinois’ pilot “Hey, stop doing that!” poster program is successful, look for Missouri to join in with several different campaigns including: “Woah there buddy. Is that really your car?”, “You guys! Seriously! Stop shooting each other!”, and “When you don’t shave your back before the Cardinal game, the people behind you can’t stop looking at the tuffs of hair poking out the arm holes of your 1992 Cardinals tank top. Think before you tank!”

via KMOX

“Freaking cops! Stealing your stash and then they don’t report it! They just take it themselves and sell it out! Punks they just as bad as the people they bustin’!” Oh fictitious bitter criminal,  you’re assumptions that every cop is dirty amuse us…but even a drug-addled, retarded clock is right twice a day.

A southeast Missouri sheriff is now charged with distribution of methamphetamine.

Carter County Sheriff Tommy Adams was arrested Saturday. Carter County prosecutor Rocky Kingree filed formal charges Monday. Adams, who is 31, is jailed on $250,000 cash-only bond. He does not yet have an attorney.

You’re first clue that this guy was just an f*ck-up waiting to happen is that he calls himself Tommy, Sheriff Tommy, which, unless a six year old that defends the neighborhood with the slingshot hanging out of his back pocket is your Sheriff, is a little weird.

What is the deal with the southeastern police these days? Between Tommy the meth-dealing Sheriff and the trigger happy Officer Barks from yesterday, you really start the get the picture that southern Missouri is just a bunch of weird hicks and that have gone crazy from their steady appetites for squirrel meat, meth, and immediate family sexual relations. If their cops are this crazy, what does that say for the rest of them. These are the people that should be upholding the law for the other nut-cases, the thin line between civilized order and um…Arkansas! Instead? Meth dealing and chihuahua shooting.

States really do represent the their average inhabitant. Take Missouri’s “bottom” for instance: You might think it’s ok from a distance, but get a little closer and you’ll find out it stinks, far hairier than most like and weird crap comes of out if. California’s, however, is nicely shaped, gets plenty of sun and the only real problem is that a bunch of Mexican’s have touched it.

via KMOX

At what point are a bunch of meth labs so close together that they become one really super big meth lab? No one knows, especially the Warrenton Police Department because they’re saying they found a whopping 30 different meth labs in his Warren County home.

The cops stumbled upon Bryan Lang’s little meth-apoloza when going to search his house after a warrant had been issued in connection to an ongoing burglary investigation.

Authorities charged 26-year-old Bryan Lang with one count of manufacturing a controlled substance and one count of possession of a controlled substance. He remains jailed on $30,000 bond.

…which is a steal if you think of it only as $1,000 per lab!

Clearly a huge selling point for any future meth franchisee is the ease and small amount of capital is takes to get a small business or 30 up and running. It’s simple really: Steal some stuff for seed money, and then just start mixing random crap together until it’s so horrible that your brain takes you away to lala land until its out of your system. Sure you’ve have unsavory characters hanging around and you may even end up dead from the constant use of your own product or catching a shot from the seemingly ever-present gunfire, but people need those cravings squashed and business is good.

Starting a meth lab is truly the drug equivalent of opening a Rally’s!

via KSDK

Washington, Missouri police were about to bust yet another meth lab when the realized something: There’s more kids running around here than you would expect at a meth lab.

Authorities got a search warrant to search the residence around 1 p.m. on Saturday after a male occupant had recently been investigated for narcotics.

After police were inside, they found eight children sleeping.  According to police, a woman inside the home had drug paraphernalia in her hand when they arrived.  Upon further investigation, police found meth and a scale in a make-shift office and chemicals and debris in the basement garage.  All the rooms where the dangerous chemicals and drugs were kept were unlocked.  Police said the children could have gotten their hands on the illegal substances and possibly injured.

Eight children, all down for nap time and not only was there evidence of meth everywhere, but the school marm had a freaking pipe in her hands and the door to the “lab” was left unlocked. We’re also guessing that the battery acid for the meth was stored inside old juice containers and fresh rocks were stored in Pez dispensers for safe keeping.

All parents were contacted and each child was evaluated by a pediatrician.

Great…but none of these parents had a clue that they were dropping their kids off at a meth lab? Come on! They just said that there was evidence of drugs all over the place and the lady in charge was holding a crack pipe during a random sampling of her day and you want to tell us that none of these parents were just telling their meth buddies about their one-stop-shopping for kid removal/drug source?!

“What?! This place was also a meth lab?! No way. I am totally shocked…um…which is why my teeth are falling out…from the shock of this story, and this story alone, completely unrelated to any meth usage. Do you ever have bugs crawling under your skin when you’re really shocked too? Oh man…totally getting that right now! Well my child and I must be going now officer…not sure which one is mine…eh…this one looks close. Was there anything laying around with my name on it by chance? No? Ok! Cool. Just checking…there might have been a $20 laying around here then if they hadn’t gotten to my order…err…day care yet…you know what? Not important. Good day to you sir. Oops I just threw up on you! Still shocked I guess!”

via KMOV

29 year old Tyrel Lee Campbell, obviously fromt the from the Ozarks being as he has 3 in-use names and one of them is “Tyrel”, was arrested and charged with “unlawful use of a weapon and drug possession” stemming from a little incident at a local Walmart over “Black Friday”. Apparently Tyrel took the term “Door Busters” a little farther than he should have.

He’s accused of walking into a Branson Walmart the day after Thanksgiving. In addition to the loaded .22-caliber gun and 560 bullets, prosecutors also say he had a bag of suspected meth.

Granted he probably bought the gun, all the ammo and most of the ingredients to make that meth from the same Walmart, but when you bring those fine sellable goods back in the store they get all pushy! What the hell is that? Maybe he bought the gun and ammo, got half way out to his car and then had to walk back in for something, does that count for “unlawful use of weapon”? …oh yeah the meth. He could have mixed up the batteries, cold medicine and cat piss in his van right? Half the people in that Walmart on Black Friday where chilling in the parking lot since 11pm the night before just to get a good deal on a crappy TV or pointy sticks for stabbing Ozark squirrels for dinner. If 85% of them weren’t on meth too we’d be shocked.

He was arrested by police who were at the store working crowd patrol. The Springfield News-Leader reported that police were alerted to Campbell after he allegedly pointed the gun at a woman.

Oh well you can’t do that Tyrel. Sure she had her eye on the last $18 toaster oven, but that’s hardly an excuse for pointing your gun at her. Wait, did she look like one of the lizard people? If so then you really should have shot her. Meth allows you to see people as they really are. It’s a hell of a drug and so cheap to make! **

** This message brought to you by the South County Chamber of Commerce “Meth: We might as well start embracing our biggest export.”

via STLToday