While the Brooklyn, Illinois fire department were called away to an fire-related emergency, the mayor had the firehouse locks changed. All this, a bunch of douche bags in close up black and white bumpers and Ashton Kutcher’s own prank about banging a bunch of sluts while married to Demi Moore on the next super-f*cked up episode of Punk’d!

The drama started Thursday evening when the chief says a local commissioner called him saying the mayor changed the locks at the department. The chief says by the time he started looking into the matter, there was a call about a vacant house fire just one block from the firehouse.

It would have been awesome if the fire they were called to take care of was a dumpster fire, and once they put it out they would notice that the dumpster was filled with photos of the mayor giving them the finger. That’s how we would do it if we were the mayor of a town no one’s never heard of and decided one day that we hated the fire department so much I felt it necessary to go completely out of my way to screw with them! I would also really stock up on smoke alarms and extinguishers since the guys that have access to the hydrant out front probably won’t be rushing to help me out when my turkey frying experiment goes south.

While he was being questioned by police, the mayor admitted changing the locks but claims the building was unlocked Thursday night and a door was wide open.

Illinois State Police are now investigating, but so far nobody has been arrested.

There’s a part of us that pauses to say “Well there’s two sides to every story!”, but what the hell could be the other side to this story? “Well you see I had to lock the Fire Department out of their headquarters because…because…I’m assuming that’s where the make the fire…?” If we were on that fire department, we’d sneak in to the Mayor’s house and lock him out, then go to his mother’s house and kick her ass, then go back to his house and pee on random stuff, and finally, we’d use up all his toothpaste. These are just suggestions though as we are not fire fighters for any current municipality. We tried out a while back but they said we were too tough. Story of our life.

via KSDK

Count us as extremely surprised when we heard the news that East St. Louis’ Police Chief, Ranadore Foggs, called it quits Saturday. Who the hell would have guessed that East St. Louis had a Police Chief?!

Chief Foggs told Mayor Alvin Parks Jr. about his decision Saturday.

Foggs said he had philosophical differences with the mayor on how the police department should be run. Foggs said his character and integrity were important to him and making the city safe was his No. 1 goal, and that’s why he came aboard the police department.

“I am sorry to see him leave. Chief Foggs had every intention of making the town very safe and I do too,” Parks said. “If Chief Foggs feels as if it’s time for him to go — while we’re disappointed, if it’s his decision, I respectfully accept his resignation.”

One could hardly blame anyone in the unenviable position of trying to keep East St. Louis safe for quitting all of five months after accepting the job, but as much as we’d like to imagine Foggs looking at every crime scene and whispering “I’m getting too old for this shit.” over and over again, it seems like Foggs quit because Mayor Parks was a little too bossy.

Councilman Delbert Marion, who spoke in an angry and serious tone about Foggs’ resignation, said the mayor has been trying to run the department.

“The mayor’s political influence, or attempted political influence, in the police department is unwarranted,” he said.

He said the mayor was trying to tell the chief how to schedule his manpower for patrolling the streets. Marion said some of what Parks was trying to do violates the police officers’ contract.

While city administrators bicker, East St. Louis is now left without any top-level police leadership and has plunged in to a deep darkness with the drugs, violence and fear running rampant on their now vacant city streets. Clearly something needs to be done…oh…right. It’s always like that. Scratch that. … The good news is, that despite concerns to the contrary, there has been no appreciable change in over-all crime levels despite being without a Police Chief!

Not sure what the process for East St. Louis Police Chiefs that want to quit is, but maybe it’s like that Judge Dredd movie with Stallone (trailer embedded below) where they just give you a shotgun and a trenchcoat, followed by a ceremony where they just push you out in to the vast wasteland and tell you to clean things up the best you can. That would seem a bit weird, since we’re pretty sure that’s what they do when they hire a new beat cop to go with the other three. On the other hand, pretty much everything about Judge Dredd (with the notable exception of hover-bikes) pretty much lines up perfectly with what East St. Louis has become in our mind.

via BND.com

If you felt a little extra safe in your cozy bed last night its a freaking miracle because this town has so much crime you can’t be in a balloon race without getting your car jacked, and now the Mayor is calling out the Police publicly because he believes the crime is even higher than the cops say it is. Someone in Detroit that just got stabbed fell down and is bleeding on a copy of USA Today, started reading about this bullshit and is laughing at all of this right now.

“The chief doesn’t report to me, the police board doesn’t report to me. So, there is a culture that, subconsciously we’re not all part of the same team, because if we were, I would have had that information from the very beginning.”

St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom says previous reports that overall crime is down in the city are correct. Earlier this month St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom reported that crime was down 25 percent over the last 3 years.

What they are arguing over is if a series of probably related crimes should be counted as one incident or counted individually.

“If five cars are broken into on one lot, around the same time, that’s one incident and it’s reported as one incident, with five different victims,” Isom said. “That hasn’t changed at the police department for many years.”

Slay says it’s disingenuous to compare crime stats from year to year, when the reporting methodology changes.

…or we could just focus on stoping them instead of counting how horrible or less horrible all of this is?

Another issue of some importance is the difference of opinion I’m having with that girl that lives by the park. I would say she’s a lovely lady that I run in to a lot somehow while her restraining order calls it “stalking”. Come on now! Is it stalking to wait outside her house to bring her gifts and eat her garbage so that we can always be together? No. It’s just being neighborly and that’s not something I’m comfortable giving up.

via KWMU

Last Wednesday our honorable Mayor Francis Slay, took to his blog and proceeded to, out of nowhere, dick-punch former Rams owner-in-waiting Shahid Khan by backing the “familiar face” of Stan Kroenke.

Two potential new majority owners have emerged. One is a familiar billionaire face [Stan Kroenke] with generally unknown, but demonstrably successful, views. The other [Shahid Khan] is an unfamiliar very, very rich face with widely known, but generally untested, views. I’d pick the tested billionaire owner.

Not sure this does any good what so ever there your Mayor-ness. What is the point of this? You trying to back the probable winner to make sure you get some games in the owners box?

Post Dispatch sports scribe Bernie Miklasz also seemed a little weirded out by the Mayor sudden take on local sports as he quipped in his Saturday “Bernie’s Bits” column:

Perhaps the mayor can give us his views on the pitcher batting eighth in his next blog.

…which apparently the Mayor reads, as later on Saturday, Mayor Slay posted:

Position Players Hitting 9th

Tony La Russa is the only manager in the National League to bat a position player ninth regularly. Other managers, Ned Yost and John Russell come to mind, have done so occasionally.

La Russa’s unorthodox practice drives some sportswriters crazy, but it makes sense to me. With Big Bats hitting third in the lineup (McGwire in 1998, Pujols in 2008, 2009), putting an additional player more likely than a light-hitting pitcher to get on base ahead of the Big Bats seems like a prudent idea. La Russa, who keeps charts about just about everything, is certain of it.

Free Bill Siedhoff.

Well played Mr. Mayor…still have no idea why you would think it was a good idea to back a potential owner and throw more drama in an already crazy situation though.

Oh that’s right, you’re the mayor of St. Louis. You like the crazy.

What the hell is going on in Sunset Hills?  Apparently the following things have happened there:

1. Someone honked and someone else in the street.

“They didn’t see me coming, I honked my horn once for safety measures,” she said.

“There was a UPS truck was coming up the street at the same time.”

Wymer, a neo-natal nurse at Cardinal Glennon Hospital, said she was concerned about the daughter in the stroller. She said she honked once for only a few seconds. “They were so disturbed by the honk,” she said.

2. Which apparently is grounds for arrest in Sunset Hills.

A week later, police arrested her at home and took her away in handcuffs briefly to a holding cell. The arrest was based on a complaint filed by several neighbors that she had honked the horn repeatedly

3. The Mayor thinks this is all fine.

[Current Mayor] Svoboda said the city hasn’t amended or changed it’s ordinances governing peace disturbances. “It was a good ordinance then, and it’s a good ordinance now,” he said.

4. Because of that, the woman arrested is now running for mayor.

The legal matters behind her, Wymer said she decided to run for mayor. “I want officials too conform to code of ethics,” she said. “I want them to stop spending taxpayer’s dollars frivolously which they did in this case.”

Um…ok.

Dear Lady Running For Sunset Hills Mayor,

You won’t win. Good for you for trying, but seriously it takes more than honking for your neighbors for them to hate you enough to call in favors to get you arrested.  Yes, its pretty messed up that cops actually arrested you for that, but I’m guessing you are probably pretty annoying regardless of the fact that Sunset Hills is apparently run like a high school prom committee.

Just move.  I hear Springfield is nice.

via Globe Democrat

We missed this before Christmas, but Mayor Slay sent us all a special Christmas message…through the words of Dr. Seuss:

Don’t think we don’t appreciate the sentiment Mr. Mayor.  We do!  …but what the hell did you record this with?  A 7 year old cell-phone?