Counties passing laws that ban texting while driving are the Lady Gaga of lower-level governments. Everyone seems to love them because they sound good, but when you get up close and really think about it, its kinda stupid and ugly. Also, those weird outfits just seem like a whole “Hey look at me with my crazy outfits that always hide my face like the Phantom of the Opera because I’m ugly and pay no attention to those rumors about me having a little penis.”

Where were we? Something about texting?

St. Charles County Executive Steve Ehlmann signed an order prohibiting any county employees from texting while driving.  This applies to anyone driving a county vehicle or doing county business in their personal car if they are reimbursed for mileage.

“It isn’t a matter of them texting for the fun of it,” says Ehlmann. “Even if it’s part of the job we want them to pull over, do their text and then resume their travel.”

The thing about “no texting while driving” laws is that they are about effective as the old sodomy laws, in that they aren’t. How the hell do you police something like this?  Maybe the guy that just made this a rule for St. Charles County employees knows since he clearly thinks this is important:

There was talk of a countywide ban for all drivers, but the sheriff’s department convinced the county council it would be too tough to enforce.

Well there you go. Text away St. Charles County employees!

We aren’t saying we are “pro” texting while driving. It’s dumb. But so is pretty much anything else you do instead of facing forward with your hands at 10 and 2: eating, talking to someone, giving that asshat that just can’t stay in his lane the finger, blowing your nose while using your knees to hold the wheel, screaming at your kids, checking out the hot broad in the next lane one car back, desperately trying to get something out of your pocket but its stuck on the little seam at the top and your about to freak out but you really need that coupon for Chick-Fil-A because those waffle fries are the only thing good in your life these days and getting them free would allow you to keep it together just long enough to get home without driving your car in to an overpass just so you don’t have to go back to work your local tv news job and blab on the radio because you’re a giant douche and everyone knows it!

Crap we forgot what we were talking about again.

via KSDK

Cynthia Davis sure knows how to make a quotable. She’s like a uglier Sarah Palin. Much uglier.

It wasn’t long ago that the 19th district representative pull out a few quotes that got her named “The World’s Worst Person” by liberal TV talking head Keith Olbermann:

“Hunger can be a positive motivator,” writes Davis, who chairs the Missouri House Special Committee on Children and Families. “What is wrong with the idea of getting a job so you can get better meals? Tip: If you work at McDonald’s, they will feed you for free during your breaks.”

Now she’s out there quoting it up again with her new “guns for everyone” bill. Straight from her website’s page on Missouri Gun Laws…with our translations and comments.

Every word in our US Constitution was put there for a reason.

For me to twist until I think I can use it effectively.

When our founding fathers inserted the First Amendment, it was to protect our ability to discuss every topic.

But not gay marriage.

When they inserted the Second Amendment, it was to insure that should the Federal Government become tyrannical, the citizens could protect themselves.  History is riddled with examples of oppressive governments that began their regimes with disarming the citizenry.

Unless the government is so smart they arm the people so they will just take care of each other until just the pussies survive. (See the ongoing project in South Central L.A.)

My grandfather was one who was victimized by such an action.  Most of his family was executed in the Armenian genocide that began when the Turks disarmed the Armenians.

It took every ounce of my being to not bring up the Nazis here and thus invalidate my argument entirely.

I have filed three bills this year to strengthen the right of the citizens to protect them selves[sic].

I ran in to trouble, but the paperclip popped up with “It looks like you’re trying to write a bill about guns for hicks. Can I help?”

HB 1230 is known as the “Missouri Firearms Freedom Act”—This is very close to what passed in Montana.  It is okay to “borrow” legislative ideas from other states, especially ones that are proven to work.

Editor: I have no idea why she felt the need to explain that this was “cool” with Montana.  Seriously. Anyone care to take a stab at this?

This law says that guns and ammunition made in Missouri and used in Missouri are not subject to federal regulation.  For too long the national government has used “The Commerce Clause” to regulate industries in our state if any of it crosses into other states.  This is just one way we can show them that they are not allowed to regulate that which happens within our state.

Read between the lines: If you make your own guns and bullets you can pretty much shoot anyone you want. Looooophooooole!

Concealed Weapon permits currently cost $100 and only last for 3 years.  It should not cost anything extra to make the permit for 5 years.

Editor: It “shouldn’t”cost anything to do a lot of things, but they tell me the money goes to buying their children clothes so I keep paying…I hate when they talk about their kids first though. Ruins the mood.

Indiana’s CCW permit is valid for a lifetime.  While I like that idea, other states may not honor our permits if they’re validated for a lifetime.

I tried stealing their legislation before Montana, but they threatened me.  Their gun was bigger than mine.

HB 1232 brackets out the words that say firearms are prohibited in churches.  This decision needs to be left up to the congregation, not the government.  Those who own the property should be able to determine their own standards.

Same goes for daycares and schools too!  If they kids want to be safe, get your own gun. They have little ones now with Nerf grips.

Additionally, I have put my name on two lawsuits that are going before the US Supreme Court.  The NRA is defending these cases, and I am named on the amicus briefs.

It made me look cool to tack my name on there.

I will always use the strength of my position to stand up for our rights.

I’m drunk.

My commitment to the constitution is unwavering.

…just not that hippie-ass Bill of Rights.

Good news for those of us over the age of 21!  You can drink, and you are still free to text message your friends while driving and potentially threaten the lives of everyone else on the road around you!

Motorists 21 or younger in Missouri will be prohibited from text messaging while driving starting on Friday, when a new law takes effect. The state will join 22 others in having some sort of prohibition on texting from behind the wheel.

Most states have made laws like this apply to all ages, not just under 21, but not Missouri!  We know that everyone here over 21 is a perfectly intelligent person that would never do anything to hurt anyone or do anything to endanger the lives of others.  I feel sorry for states like Illinois that have a bunch of adults they can’t trust so they had to outlaw it for everyone.

via STLToday.com

The Missouri Supreme Court is apparently mulling over a law that would require all advertisements for lawyers to include the statement:

“The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely upon advertisement.”

You know, because if not, I was totally gonna.

Here’s how it would work if the law passes for each type of ad (from STLToday.com and the Missouri Board of Governers):

Print ads: In a font in high contrast to the background at least one-third the size of the largest font displaying a telephone number, e-mail address, website or other contact info.

Radio or audio ads: Spoken in a cadence not faster than the slowest statement of a telephone number or, in the absence of a telephone number, audibly in a clear and understandable manner.

Television ads: The same as radio if spoken. If printed on the screen, in a font with high contrast to the background at least one-third the size of the largest font displaying the telephone number. If no telephone number, in a type size and manner that is reasonably legible for the duration of the advertisement or seven seconds, whichever is shorter.

How the hell did this become necessary?!  We’ve been to Wal-Mart, so we know that there is a large segment of people in Missouri that are in fact dumb enough to make this law needed, but how does a government figure that need out in the first place?  Did they poll the morons we are sending to prison at an alarming rate?

Missouri: “Hey Cletus, before we send your toothless ass to jail, can I ask you a question?  How did you go about picking your lawyer?”

Meth Head: “I saw’ed him on the Tee Vee!”

Missouri: “…and what?  That was it?  Anything else?”

Methy McGee: “Nope.  He shooo looked smart with that fancy suit and his eye patch!”

This law is for you Cletus.