Five random thoughts after watching one of the weirdest local news commercial St. Louis has seen (and it’s seen some insanely weird ones):

1. Are my only choices for my lineup Katie Felts, Rene Knott, and Frank Cusumano? We’d love a “Create-an-Anchor-That-Can-Pronounce-Names-Correctly” Feature! Eh who are we kidding, we’d take all the fun out of the game by maxing all the attributes to 100, making a over-sized linebacker of a sports reporter who will just run over people…just like KMOV did.

2. Frank’s video game run is like a horrible white-guy dance looped over and over but somehow causes forward propulsion. Clearly someone did their homework because that’s exactly how Frank runs…through the open statue wasteland that lies in front of Busch Stadium.

3. Love the Rene Knott “action” shots of him interviewing various sports figures while looking exactly the same each time:

Steven Jackson…

Pujols…or Frucal standing on something? Probably Pujols…

Nondescript Blues player because whatever, it’s not like you can name one anyway…

4. Is there a “Franchise Mode” with this game? Does it allow us to set the minor league rosters? Can we put Katie Felts there? Can we name our minor league team “Fox2″?

5. Has no one as KSDK heard of the “Madden Curse” where people on the cover of the Madden NFL game seem to always get hurt or do a horrible job that very year? All of them are on the cover! …oh that’s last year’s cover? Makes sense now.

via The Tip Line!

Though calling this a “Hot Topic” seems a little strong, local NBC affiliate KSDK has announced their move to kill all the fun of day-time reruns and instead bring us nearly a full day of news and “news-like” programming for a city that pretty much only has the Cardinals, the Rams, murders, and tornados to cover. It seems pretty clear that the sheer amount of murders to cover in a given day necessitated the new-centric schedule, but we’ll let them tell you about all the great people they have.

Our new fall lineup reaffirms this commitment that local news in St. Louis is our first priority. We’re very lucky here at NewsChannel 5 to have a wealth of veteran, on-air news talent. We want to build these new newscasts using that experience and journalism we’re known for. We’re making some new additions, as well as making a few changes that take advantage of that overall experience.

Here’s the new schedule:

Right away we noticed that this is f*cked. Where is the block for infomercials (Show Me St. Louis’ paid segments are close, but don’t count)? What about reruns of Who’s the Boss? or Mr. Belvedere? Where the hell is Jerry Springer?! Oh but you make time for Dr. Oz?! News coming first isn’t important at the 2 o’clock hour?! “News Channel 5: Where the News Comes First, Except If Days of Our Lives, Dr. Oz, Ellen or Jeopardy! are on”

When you’re home sick from school/work you don’t want to watch four hours of the Today Show, two news broadcasts where they probably still tell you stale sports scores and traffic news despite everyone already being at work and a Show Me St. Louis! You want to watch deliciously awesome crap! You need a flat Sprite for your head! It’s not something you’d normally drink, but it’s freaking great right now. Sure there are people that are home at that time everyday that aren’t sick, but those people should just go clean something, change someone or sandwich-ify whatever’s in the fridge for me.

via KSDK

You guys stay sharp out there, a hacker is on the loose! Just ask KDSK (channel 5)’s Kay Quinn, who was recently ”hacked”.

It seems I’ve been hacked. Sorry if you got the inappropriate message being send from an old account. Be sure you DON’T click on it.

People always like to lay their lack of basic computer knowledge on a “hacker” since that way they are stupid, it was a hacker that clearly must have picked them out of the billions on the planet and targeted them. Don’t know how valuable your summer photos from that vacation in 1986 are? Porn and actual money have really gotten boring to the internet criminal, so they need your boring shit now more than ever right? No. But Kay Quinn?! She’s special.[1] When you’re an anchor on a local news station, you’re a target, so of course this was a “hack”, meaning someone worked really hard to guess Kay’s password (shot in the dark: “KaySDK” Were we right?! Someone check us!) and this definitely was not just Kay being a internet moron and clicking some link in her email or on Twitter giving her account away to some random kid in China with a passing knowledge of computer security.[2]

We’re just wondering why she won’t delete the tweets that the hacker put up in her name as they make her sound like a total dipshit. Two tributes to Dan Peek and a “Yeah! Birthday cake!”? It’s like she got hacked by a 60 year old retarded guy working in the mail room of a box factory. “Oh yeah! It’s cake day! Yea cake! I like birthdays!” Jesus, Kay take those things down before someone thinks that’s you talking.

…oh.

It would appear that those tweets are Kay talking.

We love you Kay, but please give your account back to the hacker.

via @KayQuinn and our tipster.

[1] No, not really.

[2] Please insert your desired amount of sarcasm for basically this whole paragraph.

Ann Rubin of KSDK lost her shiz just a little bit last night on the news when a fender bender happened behind her, just off camera. She made a little gasp, finished her sentence and then explained the situation before throwing it back to Kay Quinn who didn’t even ask if everyone was alright…what the hell Kay?! Everyone died. Are you happy now you didn’t wasted the time to ask? Feel good about yourself?!

…ok, they didn’t die…or maybe they did…we don’t know. It didn’t happen to us, and as such, it might have well have happened on the moon or in Chesterfield. Two places we never seem to make it to, but we’re pretty sure both have a Chick Fil A. We don’t care, but we feel like Kay Quinn should. Hell if Kay was there and gave a damn, she might have been able to use her jaw to chisel away the door to get the people out.

via Matt, a tipster who artful framing of the tv with his video camera rivals even the cinematic greats

Our local NBC affiliate, KSDK channel 5,  managed to make some noise on the national scene, but not the good “wow, what great reporting” kinda noise. More like Jimmy Kimmel laughing at you along with his national audience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EbsnFwU9mg

You know how we always say how much we hate all those live, “on the scene”, remotes that add no benefit to the broadcast? This one turned out to be worth it.

This is going to be a shocker to a lot of you, but despite our chiseled good looks, amazing arms and a “turn and look, with hair flip” move so perfect it acts like a magnifying glass that focuses our hot rays of sexy in to a beam that instantly ignites the panties of whatever super-model we’ve decided to split open with our ” little lightsaber” to keep warm in that day, we didn’t always run with the “in crowd” back in high school. Because of that, we may not know all the cool guy, hip lingo getting thrown around these days on things like “The Twitter”, but…um…these dudes are talking about weed right?

Does KSDK weatherman Anthony Slaughter actually have a friend named Mary that “smells too good”? Maybe he does, who are we to say? …oh don’t forget the Funyuns guys…Mary can give you a hell of a craving for those things after hanging out for a while.

via Our eagle-eyed tipster and Twitter