A teenage girl sneaks her boyfriend in to her house only to be caught by her mom the next day! We’ll tell you about that unbelievable, totally newsworthy item, plus 21 minutes devoted to weather and a five min sportscast consisting of “Remember a little while ago when the Cardinals won the World Series? …that was awesome.” all coming up next on KMOV Channel 4 News!

News 4 Never Stops Watching Out For You…but today watching out for you was crazy boring. So if you want something better on tomorrow night’s news, do us a favor and shoot someone, get busted for something or do something up-lifting like get real fat and then run a marathon for kittens. Otherwise, reporting Dawson’s Creek story-lines as news is the best you’re gonna get.

The new slogan feels a tad long, but we’re loving the honesty.

Officer Rick Eckhard with the St. Louis County Police Department said the incident happened in the 17,000 block of Windsor Crest Boulevard.  According to reports, the mother went into the daughter’s room to retrieve a hamper from a closet.  When the mother opened the closet doors, a young man was inside.

Officer Eckhard said the boy had been at the home overnight and was hiding in the closet.  The daughter had already left for school.  Police arrived on the scene and arrested the young man.  The boy’s age is unknown and there is no word if he will be charged with anything.

Um…ok. Our guess is that was a 25% chance of a high-five going down in that squad car after they turned the corner and a 87% chance of giggling while the officer filled out the report. Other than that, there’s not much else going on here. What are we supposed to do with this?! Is there nothing else going on in this city!?!?

We hate for you to have to leave early though, so just stare at this until you think you’ve used up enough time on the site for today:

via KMOV

We noticed this headline last night on KMOV.com, but after a second we realized we always notice this headline on KMOV.com.  Think of the time it saves to just always have this same headline on the home page! If someone calls you on it you’re only wrong for a max of like 30 minutes. It’s brilliant.

Cardinals, Cardinals, Cardinals! From Squirrels to dancing on a broken Ryan Howard, to a defeat by the Brewers, this weekend was all Cardinals, all the time. Even we succumbed to the fever by live-blogging the NLDS Game 5 and NLCS Game 1. We didn’t go all in and paint our face like a giant red Cardinals baseball, like this guy, but we just decided to wear our red Cardinals hat instead of our stupid green one. Just seemed easier.

Friday’s game went great by the way, even though ESPN was pretty sure we were going down:

Show’s what they know! ESPN was pretty rough with the predictions for the next round too, though our scrappiness did manage to convince Jerry Crasnick we have a shot:

Ok, enough about baseball! What “real news” happened in St. Louis over the weekend? Eh, about the same as always: We can’t drive and love to shoot each other. Tell ‘em KMOV homepage!

If you just aren’t feeling in a count kinda mood, that’s four shootings, three fatal car accidents and one lady that got hearing damage in Pittsburg. Oh and at least one man who’s job it is to deal with all of this stuff said “Screw this.” and left, but you already knew about that.

That’s your St. Louis weekend in a nutshell!

You know how when a local high school anoints someone the interim principal everyone wants to talk about the big news and really pour over the effectiveness of the person who’s job is to keep the seat warm for the eventual principal, which then obviously leads to people clamoring for a local news anchor no one’s heard of to go on to the station’s website and tell everyone what he thinks about the interim principal after calling a meeting with her as if he, the principal or any of this matters?

What the hell do you mean you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about?! Ok, so maybe the that senario isn’t exactly true, but if so, no one told KMOV’s Mark Schnyder, because he did the part about meeting with the interim principal and telling everyone what he thinks of her on KMOV.com anyway.

I met Dayle Burgdorf Thursday morning at University City High for an interview on her effort to get attendance up at the high school.

She’d been an assistant principal there for years and is currently the interim principal.

While visiting with her during a class change in the hallway, I was entertained watching her watch her students.

Where the hell is this going?

I was glad to see not too many kids had their pants hanging down.

Um…ok.

I noticed a couple.  She notice one, she didn’t like it and she made it known immediately.  She walked briskly down the hall to catch up with the young man,  had him walk back to where we were, got him to cinch up his pants and get back on his way.  Nice.

…sounds great. The extra little embarrassment of having the kid walk back to where the reporter for KMOV was standing so he could reprimand the kid in front of him didn’t have anything to do with the fact that she probably wants the “interim” part from her title dropped or anything though right?

I saw a girl walk by wearing shorts waaaay too short.

1…2…3…4. 4 a’s. We’re pretty sure MLA style restricts you to 3 a’s for showing shock at how short a girls shorts are in writing, but we’ll let this slide because this whole article is skewing pretty hard in to “dear diary” territory.

Before I could finish rolling my eyes, I saw Dayle gently stop her and say something to her.  I walked over to the interim principal and joked, “Did you compliment her on her shorts?”  She told me she told the student to meet her in her office in a few minutes to discuss her wardrobe malfunction.

She told one kid to pull up his pants, but this girl gets a “conversation”? How is it going to be any more of a conversation than “You’re shorts are too short.”

I also appreciated this…

Oooh ellipses! Building the drama…love it…

Another girl was wearing a nice dress…

More ellipses! What’s coming next?! It was a nice dress…but she had a holes in the back to make it “ass-less”? It was a nice dress…but it was just low cut enough to show her “Dick Sucka” tattoo across her chest?

Looked professional even.  Dayle complimented the student on how nice the dress looked.  Positive reinforcement.  Gotta like that, too.

Total let down. Worse. Ellipses. Ever.

Schnyder continued “I saw another kid playing Madden on a PSP walking down the hall, but the principal quickly took it and threw it away. Later two other kids were chasing a large hoop down the hallway using sticks to keep it going. She told the good lads to ‘Keep it up!’ and gave them both a penny for a malted beverage during their lunch break.” After that he just kept typing “Change is scary.” over and over again, finally closing with the money shot:

All I know is if I was a parent of a U-City High School kid, I’d want that “interim” tag removed off Dayle Burgdorf’s title right away.

There you go. Well if Mark Schnyder thinks so, she’s got my vote too! Feel free to give them your vote as well! Hell since no one actually has votes in the matter of the interim principal of University City’s high school, I gave him 4 votes. He almost earned 5 votes from me, but he forgot to do the KMOV reporter story thing where they oddly switch to the third person at some point.

Mark Schnyder is a reporter at KMOV-TV.  He will read your comments to his blog.

There it is! You dog, sneaking it in at the end! You got yourself 5 votes now buddy! Someone at KMOV please give Mark a peppermint candy and a pat on the head. He made a difference today!

via KMOV

KMOV is really just finding out about this whole internet thing and as such, are now taking posts to paste in comments from the site. You know how you’re always saying “I wonder what the random, nothing to do, loser who just spouts the same colloquialisms about every perceived obstacle in their life thinks about this news item”? You’re prayers have been answered!

Gas hit $4 a gallon in the area recently, here’s the user content KMOV wanted to highlight (with our responses/translations):

Rodney – Truly wish I could sell my car & never drive again. But they’d just find another way to get my money anyway…

Rodney sounds so defeated by “they”, but who is this “they”? The oil companies or capitalism in general?

Lois – And they think the rescission [sic] is over.

“I made sure to mention the recession in a sarcastic tone so it makes it seems like I’m making an astute economic comment, but hopefully no one stops to read this comment again and view it in the light of the topic of high gas prices because then it would be pretty clear my statement made no sense.”

Therese – It is not right that the government we support, and we pay, could be doing something to help, and they are not. I agree a boycott is in need. If the government can threaten to shut down, why can’t we as the people do something about the fuel/oil prices?

So boycott it then…but no, you won’t be able to do anything about the gas prices. Someone told Therese she could do anything she put her mind to, but they were wrong. Now if they meant that in terms of shutting up and making us a sandwich, then they were dead on right. We like the crusts cut off Therese, and we’d hate to make you drive it over to us but…um…drive it over to us. Boycott after that.

Michael – While I’ll admit I don’t fully understand the economy behind gas prices, I am pretty sure that they don’t NEED to be this high. They weren’t this high, or were just as high, in the sh

ortage in ‘79 and I’m almost positive that we’re not undergoing a gas shortage right now.  Greed is slowly becoming as American as Apple Pie, unfortunately.

“Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three.”

via KMOV

KMOV doesn’t want to alarm anyone, but…wait…oh they did want to alarm people?! That explains how they had a featured story on their website and on their Friday news coverage about something that is completely harmless and possibly, maybe, but who knows, from a dangerous place somewhere else in the world.

…and somehow people still think the internet is the only place bullshit, alarmist, horrible journalism happens. It’s pretty clearly just one of the places that stuff happens. Duh.

Inspectors with the Illinois Emergency Management Agency detected small amounts of radiation and they say is most likely from Japan.

Can you prove it, or it just a theory? Nah…never mind, you said “radiation” which is all we were really looking for, thanks.

The inspectors took air samples and grass clippings in Madison County and other areas on Wednesday.  Minute amounts of iodine were detected, but the inspectors said there is no immediate danger to local residents.

“no immediate danger”? What about danger later on…like now? How about now? How about now? Now?! Maybe we should just keep watching KMOV Channel 4 news forever so we don’t miss the time when the nothing turns in to a something!

Doctor Langhorst went on to demostrate, using a Geiger counter, how every day products like salt substitute emit radiation.

Everything gives off harmless radiation!?!?! Oh my god! This is such an important story! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

She said, however, the increased radiation found in Illinois is almost certainly from Japan.

Good…good. Work in Japan one more time. Perfect. Can you get you to say “Godzilla” now? Ok, what about saying “Rodan” and we give you $20?

In all seriousness, this whole “news” story is horrible. Not a single story-based fact in the whole thing, just assumptions and estimations. Hell, it takes them to the end of the second paragraph to admit that there is no danger to any residents. What a joke. Was there nothing else going on? Did you need a rating hike this badly? Could you have just not done an obvious fluff story about the Cardinals or Charlie Sheen instead of this farse of a report? Do you still die a little inside while reading the teleprompter pretending that this “news” is worthy of even the cheapest journalism degree? Was there any reason to bring our old friend the freak-looking dog killer guy in to this, presenting him as the image with this story on Friday night as though he was the radioactive monster created by our American greed and technological advances to destroy us (as found by our tipster)?

Here’s a story for you: Breaking can kill you! OMG! …sure the average American takes 502,953,600 before he dies, usually of something else, but rest assured that you keep breathing like you are, eventually, you’ll stop. Which is why we don’t post any photos of us without our shirt on the site, all that lustful gasping would just be akin to taking a week off every lady reader’s life. Now stay tuned because after the commercial, we’re going to show you how one little boy can make a big difference in the life of an old man, plus this week’s weather, and sports with whoever we haven’t fired or move to the anchor desk yet! Stay tuned! *wink*

via KMOV