The United States government is having a rough go of it lately and someone needed to do something! Someone needed to step up, be a leader and fill that emptiness we all seem to be carrying around these days! Who’s it going to be? Show us a sign!

At about 11:30 AM on Tuesday, a plane flew by the S&P offices in New York dragging a banner behind it saying: ”THANKS FOR THE DOWNGRADE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED.”

…anything else? No? So this is the only thing we have huh? A banner flapping behind a plane. Wow, you sure showed them what’s up! Nothing says “Take that you assholes!” like delivering your message by the same means that also utilized by guys trying to be cute with their marriage proposals.

So who was this anonymous hero that took all our pain, wrote it on a banner and tied to to the back of a plane?

After much speculation it turns out that the brainchild behind the plane that flew by the S&P office with a banner, is Lucy Nobbe, a Wedbush Securities broker and self described Midwestern ”mom.”

…who lives in Kirkwood, Missouri (That’s supposedly her, to the left of who appears to be the hunter from Jumanji after he really let himself go.)

Great. Mystery solved…with the exception of a couple of questions:

1. How much does something like that cost?

$895.

2. Why?

“I felt like I had to do something,” Nobbe, 51, explains. ”I thought,” she says, “it was an important thing to do.”

So we all agree that this was a stupid, unimportant thing to do that cost too much money right? What was so damn important about it? What did this solve? What was the goal for this? Did we not all know that our government sucks? Every media outlet is wagging polls in our faces about how low approval rates are across the board, but Lucy here thought that we’d somehow all missed this news? Oh and $895?! At even $10 a meal, you could have feed nearly 100 homeless or poor people, but instead you blew it on a banner that added nothing at best and was confusing at worst as despite the initial thought that Nobbe was attacking S&P for downgrading the US government,  she was actually taking a shot at the US politicians. She wanted to fly the banner over DC, but you can’t, so she just picked New York. The correct location to support your vague message is unimportant when you’ve got a thousand bucks burning a hole in your pocket!

Nobbe’s now spent the last day telling interviewer after interviewer that she wanted to remain anonymous, and absorbing more pointless back slaps than the special kid working the door at Wal-Mart. The irony that this Kirkwood woman completely wasted money on something that will make no appreciable difference on any situation, only to oppose the careless way our government uses it’s money is astounding, and yet people are propping this woman up like she cured cancer or actually has the power to “fire” anyone in the government. Insane! All the while, not a single person has congratulated us on our ability to revive many of dead homeless guys every morning by simply whipping it out and peeing on them. Most of them come back to life and start calling me “f*cking Jesus Christ!” which is of course flattering. We’re not the hero you think we are guys, people that spend money to do little more than walking around with an custom iron-on t-shirt design, those are the real heros.

via Business Insider and STLToday (and our tipster, who is so cool we’d like to send a plane over their house with a banner than reads: “Thanks for the tip! You’re….” followed by a second plane with a banner that said “…cool.” Two planes! Take that Kirkwood lady!)

“Jesus, he scares the hell out of you”

That’s what was on some Kirkwood Middle Schooler’s shirt the other day, and we can sit down some time over General Mills flavored coffee to discuss the reverse cleverness of that shirt and how it’s, frankly, a rare shot of honesty to claim that Jesus is scaring you in to doing good things, but that is for another day. Today we’re talking about how Kirkwood Middle School wouldn’t let Michelle Ramirez wear that shirt to class. …because it said “hell” right? …or maybe “Jesus”? Not exactly.

The school’s dress code policy says this is a slang use of the word “HELL” and wants to ban it. “Outside the school environment, it might be fine.” Kirkwood School District Community Relations Director Ginger Fletcher said, “But anything within the school that is inappropriate, vulgar use of language might create a disruption in the school, we’ll ask the student to modify the garment.”

To be clear, it’s not the fact that the shirt says the word “hell” that is violating the school’s rule, it’s that the shirt is using the slang version of the word “hell”. So just to be super clear: “Jesus, the scares the hell out of you” is no good..but “Jesus, this school is worse than hell.” or “Jesus can’t save you from going to hell because you’re one of those people that thinks wearing little fedoras is a cute look.” are perfectly acceptable.

Michelle was taken out of her classes and did her schoolwork elsewhere due to her refusal to change the shirt. Christina [Michelle's mother] disagrees with the school’s view of the meaning of the word in question on the shirt. “There’s more emphasis on the word “HELL”, yes,” Chirstina admits, “but it’s in all CAPS. It’s a place. It’s not… She’s not using it as a slang. So if she’s not using it as a slang, then the shirt should be ok.”

“I don’t think it’s a slang word because it’s all capitalized,” Michelle added, “and even though the “Hell” is a different color, that it still mean the same thing: That he does scare the hell out of you, that you’re not letting the devil in.”

You know Fox2, you can feel free to edit down the stammering quotes from your interviewees.

Allow us to settle this…

To the school: You’re rule is retarded and doesn’t make a lot of sense. It’s gotta be rough being held to rules with no grey area like this because whoever’s in charge doesn’t think you can handling making decisions like that based on your own judgment. Johnny can’t read, but at least he knows when you can and can’t use the word hell in the public school system! He’ll be sure to use it correctly when he saying “Wow, I went through hell yanking off all those dudes to get enough money to buy this meth.” Feel free to put that on a shirt if you want, it’s all legal according to the hell usage guidelines!

To the little broad: Shut up and don’t wear the shirt to school anymore. That’s the rules. It doesn’t matter if you don’t agree and its not like you got your ass beat for it, so just don’t wear the shirt. If every rule a kid deemed “unfair” got to be haggled over in the media Fox2 wouldn’t have any time to post a story two days late with far less detail on a national news item already covered better by other people. Also, lets just nip this “edgy religious kid” thing in the bud right now: It’s lame, and one day in college this post is going to come up under a Google search for your name and the guy you like is going to make fun of you. If you want to be religious, that’s totally cool, but lets not pretend there is such a thing as “punk jesus” where you rock shirts that have the word “hell” on them in spray paint font and you go hang out with your youth group at various “praise-fests” with a bunch of other douche-bags with tats and ear stretching’s for Jesus. as if somewhere along the way he said, “I hope kids get to be 13 and decide to look like a bunch of green-haired posers because of me.” We’re pretty sure you’re confusing Jesus with Green Day.

via Fox2

Oh hey look: You can buy your own version of the stupid shirt on E-Bay! Go internet!

Back in February 2008 five people were killed during a shooting at the Kirkwood City Hall. A lovely memorial was commissioned, work began, and right before it got finished Michael Moore, the loser in the 2008 Kirkwood mayoral race, not the fat guy with a camera, has decided to sue the city because unless you got your head blown off in a war, the taxpayers don’t own you crap. …stupid people getting shot….You know we gotta pay to have the carpets cleaned now! Ya think that’s cheap?!

[C]ity officials voted to build a memorial to the dead and appropriated about $500,000 for the project. It’s a walkway and trees planted along it, with plaques in honor of those who died.

However, Michael Moore, a Kirkwood resident who once ran for mayor in late 2008, filed suit last week to suspend construction. Moore, who is not a lawyer, is representing himself in court, and says he’s doing this because he thinks tax money should not be used to fund a memorial. He says taxes can only be used to pay for memorials to war dead, and nothing else.

So it’s pretty obvious this douche just needed to get his name in the paper, because if tax money can only go to memorialize people who died in other countries, someone should really tell the fine people of New York their making a big mistake in that hole the World Trade Center left.

Now that we think about it, this is a great move by Moore. If you desperately want to get in to low-level local politics you should definitely come out against a memorial for people who were gunned down in the very City Hall you are trying to take control of.  This is the first step to the “big” house Michael Moore (of Kirkwood). Soon you’re be sitting behind your big mayor desk and it will be sweet…I mean sure, the 83-year-old woman working the mail room who was friends with every one the people you want to take the memorial from, will take a dump on your desk every morning, but that wipes off and eventually you get used to the smell…the smell of success.

via KSDK

You know that creepy cafeteria worker at your kids school and seems to look a little too long while shoveling the creamed corn?  …I mean he’s weird, but its a school…they don’t actually hire people that would…you know…nothing to worry about.

Oh wait.  Your kid doesn’t go to the Kirkwood School District do they?

Ok, then go ahead and worry.  They hire molesters there.

Think about that everyone that hasn’t molested a kid and can’t find a job!

A cafeteria worker in two Kirkwood Schools was charged recently with being a registered sex offender near a school.

Fonda Dean, 45, was charged with two counts of being a registered sex offender present within 500 feet of school property when persons under the age of 18 are present.

[T]he worker had spent four hours working in the cafeteria at Keysor Elementary School on Nov. 10 and worked off and on for 18 days at Kirkwood High School. The suspect was hired by a temporary agency for Chartwells, a company that provides food services for the district.

Ok, so it wasn’t exactly Kirkwood’s fault, it was the temp agency that sent Dean in there to basically work at his version of an all-you-can-touch buffet. Still this can’t look good for Kirkwood though.

In related news, lets all welcome Kirkwood’s new Fire Chief (pictured below).

via Globe-Democrat