“No Child Left Behind” is a federal mandate stipulating that all students must be able to perform basic math and reading skills and prepare all kids for college or to join the work force…but not in Missouri, because dem roolz r too dang imp0sable!

The Education Department is seeking a waiver which is allowed but first they want to know what you think. Education officials will gather public input starting now until January 5 and then will present their plan to the State Board of Education on January 17th.

Get out there and vote dumb kid parents! You know the school can’t save your kid that spends his school days eating glue, playing with himself and cutting poorly drawn skulls in to the top of his desk, so why make the school system suffer?

Educators say that the pressure of trying to reach 100 percent proficiency has created an unhealthy focus on standardized tests, with continual drilling in the classroom and a narrowing of curriculum that excludes anything beyond math and reading. Some also blame the law for creating a warped atmosphere that led educators to allegedly rig test results in Atlanta, Baltimore and the District of Columbia.

…while other educators think “F*ck those kids. I didn’t have a graphing calculator filled with games and the test answers growing up, so if they’re so damn smart, learn stuff yourself. Plus none of this crap matters. Does the quadratic equation help you hold the door open at Wal-Mart, or help you balance your fat ass on one leg for a second while you get those sweat pants on? Didn’t think so.”

Individual “You’re Getting Left Behind.” waivers will be given to all stupid kids next year, along with a second copy pinned to their shirt, because you just know that note isn’t making it home otherwise.

via KMOX and The Washington Post

This is what happens when you grow up in a violent place. First  you’re scared to even take the trash out after dark, but then you start to wonder “How come no one has tried to stab me lately? Aren’t I cute? Don’t I look white and rich enough?” Eventually that builds and builds and you decide, “If no one’s going to do it, maybe I’ll just choke myself. That’ll show em!” …or maybe you just want to choke yourself to get a little high. Either reason is retarded, but St. Louis school kids are doing it anyway because shut up! You don’t understand! You’re old! We hate you!

The game is called the Choking Game. Kids purposefully choke themselves or each other for a few seconds to feel light-headed.

A teacher at one of Parkway’s middle schools recently overheard some students talking about playing the game.

Parkway Northeast Middle School Assistant Principal Bill Senti said, “Kids may see it as not being dangerous, because it’s not drugs, or alcohol.”

The term “game” really gets over-used doesn’t it. How is this a game? Is there a score? Can one win at “choking” the best? No? Then it’s not a game stupid kids. It’s just choking yourself. If anything, this is just lazy. All the things you can huff and snort around your average house and you can’t even be bothered to get up and walk to cabinet under the sink so  you just choke yourself? This generation is lazy! Our parents were right…not about us though, the younger kids. sdfglkjfsadl;fsdfa asd;lf Sorry. Damn cat walked across the keyboard. We’d erase it, but…you know…lot of extra tapping.

Senti says parents need to be concerned “if there are lots of locked doors in the home, if when you walk in to your child’s room they seem disoriented, or if their eyes are bloodshot.”

Ok, those “symptoms” are actually from two other things that kids have been doing forever: Smoking weed and touching themselves. Notice that neither one of those activities were described as “games” so they’re cool. If you must bust your kid for weed, so be it, but for you own safety we wouldn’t knock down any locked doors yelling “Ha! We caught you choking it in here!” because while you might still be technically correct with that statement, it won’t be in the way you thought you would be.

If you don’t believe any of this, it is actually true. Kids are this stupid. They even post it on YouTube, because they post everything on YouTube. They also think whatever’s on MTV right now is cool, and that homework really sucks! You’re welcome parents.

via KMOX

A 3-year-old boy bouncing on a fourth-floor bed of a homeless bounced himself right out the window, landing on second floor deck roof and somehow escaped serious harm. Turns out all our mothers were right, you should totally not bounce on the bed. We hate when she’s right! We’re suddenly very aware of the amount of hairs growing on our palms.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports the boy was bouncing on a bed Wednesday night at the Gateway 180 shelter when he fell through an open window. He landed on a roof deck of the second floor and escaped serious injury. He spent the night at Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital as a precaution.

The shelter’s leaders say they’re contacting the company that installed the windows to see if something can be done to improve safety.

1. Shut the damn windows.

2. Watch your kids. (It’s not like you have a job.)

Don’t bother getting a hold of the window company.

St. Louis’ Beatle Bob, the uber fan of all shows (and fan of this very site) who has been to a show every night since Jesus was like 26 or something has a new project that doesn’t involve kicking people in the shins with his flailing dance moves.

Bob is included on a children’s album about eating healthy. “Healthy Food for Thought: Good Enough to Eat,” which is apparently not at all a joke, is a double-CD with songs about nutrition and exercise.

“It’s great to be a part of it, and it has some of my favorite recording artists,” said Beatle Bob, 57, who lives in Overland and is known to family as Bob Matonis.

We’ve talked with Beatle Bob and though he’s a nice guy, we are a little stumped about what he could be contributing to the project. Hair, clothes and Michael J Fox-style dance moves generally don’t translate well over an audio recording.

He can’t sing, but he’s listened to enough music lyrics that coming up with a rhyme came easy, said Beatle Bob, who has been a vegetarian for 28 years. He wrote and recorded “Down at Big Greens,” about a vegan eatery, where eating healthy is not only delicious, it’s hip.

“I was maybe remembering my teen-age days and having to hang out at hamburger places,” he said. “I thought, ‘Let’s think of a place that’s a cool hang-out for kids that’s healthier.’”

Wow. This is not going to work at all. Also worth pointing out is that “Down at Big Green’s” is the name of the porno version of Marvel’s Hulk movie franchise.

Good luck with the new project Bob! It’s sure to be a big hit…oh wait, it came out in August. So, there’s that.

via STLToday and see the RFT’s story where you can listen to the actual spoken word track!

How’s work going? Boring? Someone yell at you today about nothing? How’s your microwaved lunch taste? Not great I bet. Look out the window…oh. No window? That’s ok, its still just Missouri out there.  Let us drop this on you now: Some kid from St. Charles gets to go spend the weekend in Hawaii for the Pokemon Championship. Swish that around you head for a second.

William “Dema” Boatman, 10, is ranked No. 1 in the world among junior players of the trading card game. He’s won 82 of 93 matches this year, and along the way, he’s racked up two state championships — Missouri and Kansas — a regional championship and $2,500 in college scholarship and prize money. In Hawaii, he’ll be competing for a $7,500 scholarship and other prizes.

Sorry…old fart helpage:

The Pokémon Trading Card Game is a collectible card game with a goal similar to a Pokémon battle in the video game series. Players use Pokémon cards, with individual strengths and weaknesses, in an attempt to defeat their opponent by “knocking out” his or her Pokémon cards.

– Wikipedia

Anyway, Boatman isn’t the only little man getting his name in the news for stuff his parents will show future girlfriends that will make him want to slit his wrists. St. Louis is a hotbed of Poke-action!

Two other boys — Dale Conoyer, 10, of St. Peters, and Alex Krekeler, 9, of Maplewood, are in the junior division, too; their world rankings are 50 and 53, respectively. The others, Andrew Krekeler, 14, of Maplewood (ranked 26th worldwide), and A.J. Lester, 15, of Hazelwood (ranked 36th), will compete in the senior division.

Senior division? 15 huh? You’re in high school now right? You know that look people give you with kinda squinty eyes and a wince, that’s pity.  Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll win enough to buy a “Real Doll” be set for life.

Young kids looking to break in to the exciting world of Pokemon should be careful. The “fish fry / Poke-a-man” going on at the local Catholic church rectory isn’t exactly the same thing.  Also double check to make sure it isn’t actually taking place at your rectom-ry.

via STLToday

[Editor's Note: We don't have a "Definitely Not Sports" category, so this is going in "Weird"]

A Joplin, MO girl was tossing around a washing machine for 12 full minutes before her mother and the laundromat staff could get her out.

Authorities said Chloe Crow and her sister tried to use a washing machine at a laundromat, but after putting their money in, the machine didn’t work. Chloe climbed inside the machine, thinking it was broken.

…yup, that’s the move. Please remember to tell this girl that this is an appropriate way to check if things are working. If the oven isn’t getting warm, climbing in isn’t your best option. Also sometimes crocodiles will sit still with their mouth open, don’t climb in there because they look like they aren’t working.

The girl is fine though after 155 staples and a few more stitches later, assuming you call looking like frankenstein fine. Her mother however is now out to find someone else to blame!

Her mother said the machines should have an emergency shut down button.

Yeah, but why stop there?! Lets add a “whoops I wasn’t watching button”…it might be easier to just add a “do your damn job and watch your kids” button to her ass though.

via KMOV