After getting killed 10-3 in the last game of the three-game set in Kansas City over the weekend, one could say the Cardinals officially crapped themselves in Kansas City.
That’s ok though. Kansas City Royals Hall of Famer George Brett says you’re good for one of those at least twice a year.
Editor’s Note: NSFW audio…by which I mean, just put on headphones. We’ll tell you if the boss is coming.
So when was the last time you took a “perfect double-tapered shit”?
Kansas City, St. Louis’ little annoying sibling, just has to do everything we do. First we were like “It would be awesome if our football team was really terrible.” and then Kansas City thought that was awesome, so now the Chiefs suck, and now after our All-Star game last year Kansas City wants one of those too.
Commissioner Bud Selig will be in Kansas City on Wednesday to formally award the 2012 All-Star Game to the Royals and Kauffman Stadium. [...] The announcement was delayed as details — such as available hotel rooms — were worked out.
Major League Baseball promised Kansas City an All-Star Game if it passed the major renovations to Kauffman Stadium that opened last year.
Look, St. Louis isn’t exactly in the running for the Olympics lately, but at least we have some major sporting events here. When was the last time Kansas City had anything like this?
[I]t will be Kansas City’s first major sporting event since the 1988 Final Four.
Spit take! Ha. These are the people that get jazzed up like its the effing World Series when the Cardinals come to town once a year, and they want an All Star game? The best part of the article announcing this on KansasCity.com is that last paragraph that basically pleads for the people of KC to not be weird and screw this up:
Because Kansas City voters rejected funding for a rolling roof over Arrowhead Stadium that would’ve drawn a Super Bowl and potential Final Fours, this could be our last major sporting event for some time.
This is just like the ugly girl in the high school class that finally gets her chance to shine and gets all made up for her big night…but then actually still looks really ugly and everyone is all like “Oh yeah, that’s why we don’t like her.” and instead the cool jock goes back to his girlfriend with the giant boobs and great body…ok face, but I mean, that’s not a deal breaker. Don’t get us wrong, she’s not ugly or anything, she’s just realistic in that she knows no one is looking at her face because her jugs are huge.
…oh. So uh…that’s why we should change Troy, MO’s name to “Stop Saying You’re From St. Louisville”…or something.
Nothing like a bet no one knows or cares about with a city we are clearly better than on a field of play that probably ranks in the top 10 most boring bets of all time to get a city of people excited about something!
In an effort to get Missourians excited about the 2010 Census, Mayor Slay and Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser have agreed on a friendly competition to see which City improves its Census mail-in response by the highest percentage from 2000-2010.
The losing Mayor will have to send the winner a case of his hometown’s favorite beer and most delicious barbeque.
If I screwed around with dumb crap like this at my job at the banging hot chicks factory, I would be fired in no time.
Really? Really? This is your best plan to get people “excited” about the 2010 Census? This is it? …all you could come up with? What moron is dumb enough to fall for this and basically post the stupid as press release somewhere…oh the Globe Democrat is:
The last mail participation update and the challenge winner will be announced on May 3, 2010. Let’s make sure that St. Louis beats Kansas City in the 2010 Census Challenge!
Dorks.
Why don’t we just go ahead and send in our census forms but go ahead and let KC win this one and we can just keep on winning better “contests” like…
1. The city people think of when someone says “Name a city in Missouri!”
2. The winner of the Rick Ankiel version of Old Maid.
3. City name that doesn’t make people confused as to what state you are in.
St. Louis is #3 on the most dangerous American cities list…again. Old news. We are always on there. We’re like that kid that wears the leather jacket no matter how hot it gets and uses a switch blade comb. We’re bad ass. We know it.
Well, I guess not everyone knows it. (Watch out people at work, this dude is loud!)
At the end of his little tirade, he shows the whole list. Note that if you think you are just having a stroke because you can’t seem to lock in and read the list very well, don’t worry. Its just because this genius though the best way to display the list is with black text on a bright red background…that blinks.
If you can keep it together to watch most of the list without stroking out, you’ll see that our retarded cross-state brother city we only visit once a year or because we find out he can count cards Kansas City came in at #6. Nice try KC. Still not impressed.
You know that girlfriend you had in highschool that wasn’t bad at the time but looking back she was actually kinda chubs, but it doesn’t really matter because you were kinda chubs too, but in college you slimmed down and ended up with a pretty hot new girlfriend and you would always go home and see your old girlfriend because you are her were still cool and then one day she was like “Hey can you come to this thing?” and you were like, “I’ll try but I have to do this stuff for my hot wife.” and then you didn’t show because you had other important things to do and you were just really being nice by saying you would try, but then the old girlfriend was all like “You suck.” and you were all like “Umm, why are you so pissed?” and she was like “I don’t know why I ever liked you, you are a jerk…just kidding I love you.” and then you were like “You’re crazy” and then got mad and was all “Nevermind I hate you and I with I would have never done that thing you like with my thumbs, your right ear and that piece of salmon.” and then you’re like, “Ok, bye” and then she’s like “I’ve always loved you! Why did you leave me” and then you’re like “Um you had your chance” and then she’s like “You got me pregnant” so then you sent a dude over to abort that crap but then you realized that you last dated her 10 years ago so it would be less like abortion and more like child murder which was way more expensive so you call it off but it turns out that she was lying and just started dating your friend so then you are like “Stop calling me”?
Well in that story you are Pujols and that old fat girlfriend is Kansas City. …minus that abortion stuff. I’ll be honest with you the wheels came off the analogy for a second there.
Too bad baseball’s best player didn’t come to [the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum’s Legacy Awards to] make it better. The museum gave him two awards. He accepted neither in person, and didn’t record a video thank you like several others who couldn’t show up — and like he’s done in the past.
Pujols was in Kansas City this weekend, you know. He worked a hitting clinic and signed autographs for kids at a facility in north Kansas City on Sunday.
Maybe there’s more to Pujols’ absence. He’s under no obligation to do anything but play his best for the Cardinals, of course, and it’s murky waters whenever somebody starts telling somebody else how they should spend their time.
But it’s not unreasonable to expect Pujols – with his Kansas City ties and status as the game’s best player – to at least let the museum know of his plans.
When he doesn’t, what choice does it give fans but to assume he blew them off?
That was an excerpt from Sam Mellinger’s blog on the Kansas City Star‘s website.
“Oh please Pujols please love us! Remember how you are from here? Good times huh? Sorry we passed you up in the draft 13 times, but everytime we get the chance we are going to jump on you because you didn’t make one award show out of the like 400 awards you win every year.”
Chill the hell out.
Everyone wants Pujols to go to everything. He can’t though. It really doesn’t matter what city its in. I invited him to my last birthday party and he didn’t show but you don’t see me crying about it.
The name Moriarty used to mean something. It used to mean a kick ass, genius villain and nemisis of Sherlock Holmes, but in Kansas City Judge Moriarty is trying his damnedest to make that name mean “creepy guy that touches himself at work”
A district court judge appeared to be masturbating and used foul language during a divorce mediation, an attorney claims in Federal Court.
Kimberly Ireland claims that while mediating, Judge Kevin P. Moriarty tried to discuss her underwear and her sex life, though neither was relevant to the divorce matter. And she claims that “Moriarty appeared to be masturbating during the mediation.”
Here’s how we are hoping this all went down…
Judge: Oh yeah…and then what?
Ireland: Well…wait. Are you touching yourself right now?
Judge: How dare you?! How dare you!? …what kind of underwear do you have on?
The fact of the matter really is this: If a judge needs to cup himself when mulling over a big decision, isn’t it best that we let him do what he needs to get the decision right? I mean some people use those big asian metal balls to play with while thinking, Moriarty just uses small american balls instead. Is that so wrong?!
Throughout our extensive years of research done in the field of TV, specifically the sitcom, we have noticed a trend. On average, sitcoms seems to be based in the following locations: New York, Chicago, Southern California, or the New England area.
When we were little, sitting way too close to the TV on Friday nights for TGIF we longed for the one goofy but loving family to be in St. Louis is us! No, the occasional random location like Step by Step‘s Port Washington, Wisconsin or Family Ties‘ Columbus, Ohio settings, we wanted St. Louis (or at least Missouri)!
Well believe it our not there have been a few actual sitcoms based in St. Louis! Here’s the ones we could find with a little info and followed by their introductions:
1. “AfterMASH” 1983-1985
Based in Hannibal, Missouri, it was a spin-off from the hit show MASH, the show was about three of the original MASH characters (Colonel Potter, Klinger and Father Mulcahy) dealing with the hilarity of life after war!
With great plot line like Klinger decorating Colonel Potter’s office to look like it did in Korea, or Klinger escaping from jail to attend the birth of his child and then faking insanity to prevent going back to jail, you can pretty much assume this show was a ratings giant…you would be wrong however. It managed 2 seasons and 31 episodes (though the 31st episode never aired) until finally getting canceled after losing a rating battle with the A-Team.
Here’s their Season 2 theme/intro:
2. “The John Larroquette Show” 1993-1996
Based in St. Louis at a fictitious bus depot, John Hemingway (played by John Larroquette) [Editor's Note: When actors get older they always play characters that have the same first name as they do. Do older actors just not like getting called by a fake name or what?] who manages said bus depot while having fun with the wacky people that work there and hang around. The cast of characters really set the tone for how awesome St. Louis is. Take for instance Pat, the prostitute in drag and the fact that Hemingway himself got the lovely job in St. Louis only because he was a drunk that lost everything.
Canceled a month in to its fourth season, the show was barely recognizable after many major changes to “lighten up” the darker parts of the comedy.
