Think you’re pretty awesome now don’t you Kansas City, luring Google’s promise of awesome internet service away from us. Well pat yourselves on the back now because once Google realizes all your internet traffic consists of is people watching YouTube videos of guys getting hit in the balls and posting “Maybe we can sign Pujols!” on Royals message boards, they’ll wish they would have came to the other side of the state first!

For you lucky Kansas City residents, Google has launched an informational page outlining what their plans are (it also provides some background about Google itself). The site’s FAQ says that Google hopes to begin building the network by the end of the year and that service should begin in the first quarter of 2012, with plans to roll out to all communities in Kansas City. Once the service is live pricing will be “competitive to what people are paying for Internet access today” though Google hasn’t yet named the plans.

Don’t get too high on your new friendship with Google Kansas City, there’s a good chance when they start to roll out your internet, they won’t know where to go!

via TechCrunch

OMG:

Internet hackers are targeting Missouri state representatives and their staff, and no one knows exactly how or why.

JK, LOL.

Really STLToday? “internet hackers”? You have the first line of your story about Missouri State officials getting their Facebook passwords cracked is about “internet hackers” mysteriously “targeting” the state representatives? You even got the little laptop floating in the blue internet image there. Really nicely done. Did you ask our grandma for help on this story?

Since the legislative session started Jan. 5, five people on the House side of the Capitol have reported their Facebook accounts being hacked: three Republican legislators, one Democratic legislator and one Republican staffer.

It is the most concentrated, widespread rash of hacking events the House has seen.

Five. It’s only been five. Right here, at the height of the fools-tension built up by author Rebecca Berg, who sounds like she uses an abacus and leaves her computer in the corner because of the demons, seems like a good time to remind you that we aren’t talking about official state computers or government accounts, we’re talking about Facebook. The “secrets”, if any, that have been stolen are less Missouri government building access codes, and more like the date of their nephew’s bar mitzvah.

If a hacker alters a lawmaker’s carefully crafted public message, the political damage can be immediate and lasting.

“I just don’t trust this stuff, and now I know why,” [Donna Lichtenegger, R-Jackson] said.

Not really. We already forgot about the one that happened a couple of weeks ago…plus no one cares what the rep from Jackson thinks about anything on her Facebook. Great to hear you’re scared of the internet now because of your own lack of knowledge about it though. “Ow! Fire burn hand after me stupidly touch it! Me no like fire no more.”

Meanwhile, at least one positive experience has come of a compromised Facebook account. Rep. Stacey Newman, D-Richmond Heights, whose Facebook account was hacked just one day after the start of session, has used her experience to foster new relationships — in real life, instead of on the Internet.

After hearing news last week that Lichtenegger’s Facebook had been hacked, too, Newman reached across the aisle to commiserate with her House colleague. She joked that the two have formed their own bipartisan caucus to discuss hacking-related matters.

…you’ve got to be kidding me with this crap.

Newman said the rash of computer security breaches does concern her.

“Now that it’s happened to a few of us in the House — why? It does make you start to wonder,” she said. “I don’t know what the next step should be, but I’m very disconcerted.”

You’re a moron. Don’t play with Facebook at work. We talked to the taxpayers and they said they’d rather you spend the time finding them a job. …oh shit. Stand still. We think we see an “internet hacker” behind you! Oh nevermind. It was just a guy talking to a 12 year old girl on a sex chatroom. Whew. That was close! He could have “hacked” your Facebook account and then where would you be when they changed your status from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated”?! OMG?! Can you imagine?

via STLToday (…which is on the internet! Do you know how to get there? If you look at that picture they posted it’s just past the floating laptop, down the glowing internet hallway, take a right and then a left at the Starbucks. It will be the glowing blue door on your left.)

Missouri Representatives Lacy Clay (D) and Russ Carnahan (D) hate the internet…or at least the old white guy with his hand up their asses is making them say that.

A slew of House Democrats have sent a letter to the Federal Communications Commission warning the agency not to go forward with its plan to partially reclassify ISPs as common carriers, a move needed to impose net neutrality rules.

“The uncertainty this proposal creates will jeopardize jobs and deter needed investment for years to come,” wrote Texas Congressman Gene Green on Monday. “The significant regulatory impact of reclassifying broadband service is not something that should be taken lightly and should not be done without additional direction from Congress.”

We have a letter about this as well we are sending to these forward-thinking Democrats…

Dear all of you,

Go to hell you morons.

- Punching Kitty

These are the same people that were forced to have kids just so they can get help checking their email and printing out Dilberts, and they are trying to tell the FCC how the internet should work. While they’re doing that, let us tell you how politics work…

Lacy Clay: $40,000

Russ Carnahan: $38,000

That’s the amounts of money our two fine computer experts congressmen have received from lobbyist that also hate an open internet…what a total coincidence right? They want to give the internet to the people of Charter or other ISP so that they can do things like charge you by what websites you go to…think Punching Kitty.com’s going to make it in to teir-1 next to Google? Um. Doubt it.

The internet is great. Leave it alone. There is nowhere else where one can do the research for a term paper, bail on it and buy the term paper, and then spend the night watching porn and guys getting hit in the balls. If only there was a place where I could go read made up stories about the characters of 90210…oh wait, here it is. Its perfect now.

See the full list of internet haters with their contact information.

via Ars Technica

Could it be? Is St. Louis’ native son, superstar announcer, Joe Buck not well liked by the hive mind that is the internet? Well just ask Google…

As you can tell from the suggestions above, it doesn’t take long to find plenty of Joe Buck hate. Here’s a sampling:

- My god, Joe Buck is annoying. He’s an idiot, boring and has a grating dorky voice. I literally change games when I see he is an analyst. You hear that Fox???

- I have this nasty cold sore on my lower lip. It is going on two weeks now. Every night it dries out and cracks so I have this nasty scab for the first half of the day,then it falls off and alternates between bleeding and oozing puss BUT….I still like it better than listening to Joe Buck

- it obvious that joe buck and troy aikman are gay lovers .i think ight now they a spooning in the both at lambaeu field to keep warm

Just people from other towns you say? Hold on there skippy!

- I was just listening to the last pitch of the World Series and Joe Buck’s call. He made reference to Jason Isringhausen’s conversation with Adam Wainwright and being swarmed then said Wainwright was being swarmed in a big big way. Just utter jibberish….nonsensical shit for brains stuff at the cusp of the Cardinal’s game 5 win.

- I’m from St.Louis and obviously a fan of all the area teams and I got to say I still can’t stand this guy. He is openly self-centered and completely full of himself. He’s a terrible announcer always more than eager to bash teams and players personally while announcing a game. This guy is a disgrace to all sports broadcasting.

Lets also revisit that “joe buck and troy aikman are gay lovers” comment in particular. This seems to be a common thread in the anti-Buck segment. Lots and lots of people really think Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are totally gay for each other. ESPN’s Skip Bayless pseudo-outed the former Dallas quarterback a year ago, and even with that evidence we tend to disagree with the rumors of a steamy broadcast booth affair, the internet seems to disagree. Hell there’s a Facebook page you can join called  ”Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are gay…..with each other“. Seriously!

So there’s that.

If you just hate Joe Buck but don’t think he’s necessarily gay, you can join the wonderfully concisely titled Facebook group “F*ck Joe Buck“

What do we think about Joe Buck?

Eh. We aren’t all that crazy either way about him. He’s fine most of the time and if we want to throw down on crappy announcers we could give you 5 that are worse than Buck no problem. That being said, we are holding on to one kick in the balls coupon just for Buck because of his amazingly flat announcing of the Cardinals World Series win. Almost like he was trying to tone it down. We recall him going plenty crazy when both colors or ‘Sox won in 2004 and 2005. The Cardinals? We get “…and the St. Louis Cardinals are your World Series Champs.”  That wasn’t the excitement level we wanted. That sounded like the excitement level of a guy picking out a suppository.

Oh also there’s this:

Really Joe? It was disgusting? Really?

[Editor's Note: The 5 worst are, in no order: Joe Morgan, Tim McCarver, Chris Berman,Stuart Scott, Dick Vitale]

Everyone is all in a tizzy for this month’s internet Macarena: Chat Roulette [1], where you are automatically connected via video chat to a random stranger also using the site.  Which sounds fun, until you realize that this guy is out there.

We hear at Punching Kitty Headquarters have been racking our brains for a way to take the large ChatRoulette user base and strip away anyone not from St. Louis.  You know, to see what St. Louisans where using the site which could be interesting…but thus far we got nothing.  The best thing about the internet though is that eventually someone else will do your homework and post it online. Chatroulette Map gives you a nice little map laid out with users from Chat Roulette and pinpointed by their IP address!  Nerd stuff!

Here’s the upshot: We now have a little peak in to the St. Louis Chat Roulette user!  …sadly, but not surprisingly, its mostly dudes.

A little statistics:

• We have 9 users that the Chatroulette Map site revealed.
• 1 out of 9 or 11% was a girl.
• Another 11% involved a crotch shot.
• White shirts are popular, as 66% of the users had them on.
• 77% were not looking at the camera.
• 88% were riding solo.
• Only 11% of them were from Illinois. Sadly the crotch shot guy was not from Illinois.

1 If you are really in the dark to what Chat Roulette is, this video is the best way to get up to speed quickly.

Maybe you haven’t heard because you only use your computer for Facebook and sending people eCards and viruses, but Google threw it out there a few weeks ago that they are trying to get in to the crazy-fast internet service game and basically said “Hey, United States cities?  You want it?  Show me what you got.” Which prompted just about every city in the union to lose their shit trying to convince Google to go to the internet prom with them.  Hell, Topeka, Kansas basically became that first groupie to go down on Google, not because they are slutty, they just want to show Google how much they mean to them, by “changing” their city’s name to Google, Kansas.  Whore.

St. Louis, under the leadership of Mayor Slay, are taking the coy approach.  They know we want them, but we aren’t coming over.  We are just going to stay on the other side of the bar, bat our eyelashes and keep sipping on our pink drink that tastes like bubblegum or something.

Its not like we don’t want to gossip about Google though…so His Mayorness set up a poll about the situation.  Two things jumped out:

#1. There’s a question about your internet usage which just goes ahead and asks if you use it for porn.

14% stood up proudly behind the anonymity of the internet and said, “Yeah dude, porn is awesome.”   Seems low.  Also note below that only one more percentage of people use the internet for work email than watching porn. Love it. Look, when you’re football team sucks, you gotta do something on those cold winter Sundays.

The thing is though, is that you couldn’t choose more than one option, so if you wanted to choose porn, you were going all in.

#2. There’s a total shot at Charter in this poll.

In a reference to that slut Topeka’s name change to catch the eye of Google, the poll included a question about what we would think about St. Louis changing it’s name.  Check out option number five below.

Bam! Nothing worse than slow porn and Mayor Slay knows it.

Our best hope to get asked out by Google is if we make him feel sorry and get the pity invite, like the high school quarterback asking out the girl with Downs Syndrome.  Its not going to go anywhere, but we are just happy he knows our name.

via MayorSlay.com