16 days. That’s how long it takes for a broken wrist to heal. You take any longer than that and you’re just milking it you pussy. That’s not us talking mind you, it’s Albert Pujols and he can do that because he set the bar yesterday miraculously returning to the Cardinals just over two weeks from the day he bashed his wrist against the Royals’ Wilson Betemit.

After taking indoor batting practice and fielding grounders outside on Monday, Pujols said there was no pain and added that he felt great.

The team initially believed the three-time NL MVP would be out six weeks and could return at the start of August. Pujols underwent a CT scan Friday that indicated fast progress and said he’d been hitting for about a week with the wrist taped.

Since we’re all pretty sure he wasn’t faking it for a two week vacation (not really the best idea with hundreds of millions on the line come fall) then the only other answer here is that Pujols is super-human. Pretty sweet right? Wait, no it’s not! Pujols and his X-Men-like healing ability should be walking the streets protecting us because we need some of that action really bad. Somehow St. Louis was sent the superhero it needs, and instead us retards were just like “Lets just watch you hit this little ball as far as you can!” …ok, well maybe that is pretty cool and we can’t fault our man Pujols for picking the more lucrative option. We’ll see if we still feel the same way if we end up breaking our wrist while protecting ourself from a South City mugger (or super villain). What would only take two weeks away from Pujols, would take probably two months out of our life. Ok, most of that extra injury time would be because we can’t stop picking at it, and we use that wrist three or four times a day for…um…stuff. Five if it’s the weekend when the Newport News catalog arrives.

via ESPN and STLToday

A 3-year-old boy bouncing on a fourth-floor bed of a homeless bounced himself right out the window, landing on second floor deck roof and somehow escaped serious harm. Turns out all our mothers were right, you should totally not bounce on the bed. We hate when she’s right! We’re suddenly very aware of the amount of hairs growing on our palms.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports the boy was bouncing on a bed Wednesday night at the Gateway 180 shelter when he fell through an open window. He landed on a roof deck of the second floor and escaped serious injury. He spent the night at Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital as a precaution.

The shelter’s leaders say they’re contacting the company that installed the windows to see if something can be done to improve safety.

1. Shut the damn windows.

2. Watch your kids. (It’s not like you have a job.)

Don’t bother getting a hold of the window company.

It’s prom time, and high school girls all over the area are kneeling down only to be smacked in the face with some balls, but for one Festus girl, it wasn’t a euphemism this time:

Authorities said the 17-year-old girl threw the shot put and then went to retrieve it. Before she got completely out of the way, the next girl threw her shot.

The shot struck the girl on the side of the head. She was alert and conscious at the scene.

In an odd twist, the blow to the head appears to have made the girl the only  other person in the St. Louis area that thinks the Cardinals should keep Ryan Franklin as their closer. If she shows any further signs of severe brain damage, we believe that she will be required, by law, the move to Illinois and then get in front of us on the highway and start to change lanes three different times before breaking and heading back over to the original lane, only to miss her turn and decide that slamming on her brakes is the best course of action. We’d flip he off, but she won’t notice. She’s really busy with her phone conversation and manually rolling down the driver side window of her Ford Probe so she can flick her cigarette out of her car.

via KMOV

Wednesday morning the world learned of Cardinal ace right-hander, Adam Wainwright‘s “significant” elbow injury. The Cardinals are f*cked.

[Cardinals and general manager John] Mozeliak conceded that “things do not look encouraging” and called Wainwright’s condition “a significant injury.” Manager Tony La Russa called it “a huge hit.”

“It’s really difficult for Adam, really difficult, to go through this,” La Russa said. “He’s really an outstanding person and pro. I think he’s concerned about not putting in his piece, which is what you expect from him.”

Poor Nick Punto. No one gives a crap about your injury anymore.

Seriously though, this bites. First the Cardinals begin a messy contract fight with Pujols, then Edmonds retires…if you want to count that as a bad thing…then Punto gets hurt. Hell, we even had an owner die! Its a sad day in “baseball heaven”.

But not in Cincinnati!  Oh it’s a good time had by all over at the spring headquarters of our wanna-be rivals, the Reds. According to Hall of Fame baseball writer Hal McCoy, some of the Reds were downright giddy at the news of Wainwright’s elbow! McCoy initally reported that Jonny Gomes came in to the clubhouse jubilantly signing “Wainwright’s gone! Wainwright’s gone!” though, those comments have now been expunged from McCoy’s online account. Later on, the tone of the Reds clubhouse was reported as a little more neutral regarding the Cardinal pitcher’s injury, so who can you believe? Probably somewhere in the middle, since it’s not like McCoy to just make up things, and we know that Dusty Baker runs the Reds like an absent step father, just brushing off comments like that or previous ones by certified douche Brandon Phillips with “boys will be boys”. He’s a great manager though…destroying pitcher’s arms and riding Barry Bonds to a World Series is really a tough job.

Hey, if the season’s already toast and Albert’s on his way out…screw it. Light those Reds hitters up on April 22nd! Maybe have Lohse do it so he can earn that contract of his.

via STLToday, Dayton Daily News, and MLB.com

An employee of the St. Louis Arch was pinned for 30 seconds between the south leg tram and the top of the shaft while working on electrical upgrades yesterday. I bet that hurt. One time we stubbed our town on the south leg of our coffee table and it hurt like hell. Like really hurt and still hurt the next day, probably just like this guy’s injury. The good news for him is that after two days we were fine and we got to limp around at work and make people ask us what happened. Yea! People talked to us!

Frank Mares, deputy park superintendent, said [John Leslie, 55, of Robertsville] was doing electrical upgrades to the south tram system when he was pinned at the top. Mares said Leslie was standing atop a platform mounted on the front tram car while the tram climbed and failed to stop. Mares said the tram was being controlled by a person at a work platform below, but he said it’s unclear whether the accident was the result of mechanical or human error. Mares said Leslie was in radio contact with the person at the platform below.

Leslie (Which is a girl’s name! LOL!) is said to be fine and his injuries were not life threatening. In fact, one visitor to the Arch, who should really think about getting a job instead of visiting monuments during the work day, said they say him walking with assistance from one tram to the other right after being freed.

The Arch is currently undergoing a $3 Million dollar upgrade specifically to the tram system. Wouldn’t it be totally ironic if the new Don’t Smash Employees with the Tram Sensor 3000 was going to be installed tomorrow?

via STLToday

[Update: Sadly, the kid died and they were hunting deer at the time.]

A 15-year old boy was hit in the face with an arrow just south of Eureka Thursday afternoon. In the face! The “shooter”…er…archer…is believed to be a 20-year-old neighbor and has been taken in to custody following the incident.

The grandparents of our crossed-eyed Robin Hood are claiming it was an accident, but what are they going to say? Even still, we believe them. A bow and arrow isn’t really a jump out, “Take that kid! Boosh! Arrow in the face!” kinda weapon. The only way to get hit in the face with an arrow is to look directly at the guy aiming his bow at you and stand still like an old-timey photograph for several minutes until he gets his crap together and fires one up your nose. That’s not smart, but unless we have the only 20-year-old crack archer since the 1500′s then its gotta be the ole “Hey lets see if I can hit this off your head.” deal.

We’d recommend sticking to Nerf guns kids! …or ninja throwing stars.

via KMOV