Editor’s Note: Here’s another great bit from guest contributor Lance (see his previous work here) If you have any interest in guest authoring a post here, drop me a line at editor@punchingkitty.com

It’s hot in St. Louis. Real hot. How hot? It’s so hot that:

* Forest Park has been renamed Savannah Park

* Talk 97.1 is airing a special on the dangers of Global Warming

* The Penguin & Puffin Coast attraction at the zoo is now a fried chicken stand

* The Blues just traded Erik Johnson for a lifeguard

* Mayor Slay just awarded Nelly the key to the city for his innovative plan “take off all yur clothes”

* The line at Ted Drewes is so long that… oh, wait, nothing’s changed there.

* St. Louis county is willing to merge back with the city in exchange for a bucket of ice.

* Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg just called back. They just mumbled “Uh, never mind… ” and the phone went dead.

* “A Goddam Fan” just won the Democratic primary for Kit Bond’s senate seat.

* The Kings of Leon have a new song “Hot Pigeon Shit Blues”

* Busch stadium concession vendors now just pour the beer directly on your head.

After the post about a family raping and pretend marrying each other, we needed a hot St. Louisan to cut the gross.

I present to you the Jenna Fischer Chaser:

Hat tip to Xeni of BoingBoing’s Unicorn Chaser inspiration.

Watch out Virginia Kerr, your spot at the top of the “cute TV news reporter” food chain might just be in trouble.  Yes, Kerr still has the KMOV crowd on lock, but the overall title isn’t quite the blowout it once was and what some people think it still is.

We always knew April Simpson from KTVI Fox2 was cute, but after her Twitter picture (below) flashed across our desktop the other day betwixt the other updates of the day, we might have mentally broken up with Kerr and moved to Team Simpson.

Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to talk with Virginia.  Unless you are Virginia, please turn away from  your screen.

Ok V, we’re alone now.

Virginia…we’ve had some good times haven’t we?

Look, its not you.  Actually its not me either. Its April Simpson. She’s attractive. That’s not either of our faults! Its completely out of our control, but that doesn’t mean I can ignore it.  Its like a tornado of hottness:  No one caused it, but at the same time you can’t ignore it because it breaks a lot of crap.  Also there’s a loud whistling sound, which doesn’t really come in to play here.  I’m just going to throw this out there too: I’ve started to wonder if  you’ve taken your title for granted.  Look at April, that’s a photo from someone thats putting in some work.  Your photos, are cute sure, but nothing you have on your Twitter account can touch this.  This is good for you V!  It’s competition, and that makes everyone raise their game.  Who knows, 6 months from now I could be back on your team.  Good luck to you!  …don’t cry.  Here’s a tissue.  …you know what?  Take the box.

Ok, turn back around  Its over.  The deed is done.

Local news is pretty rough to watch these days as the people in charge continue to claw at the walls of the well they keep falling down, but maybe I’ll start Tivo-ing the Fox 2 mid-day report…you know, just to keep up on the important things, like state fairs and…car wrecks?  …I don’t know what the hell they talk about on local news these days and I don’t care….which is where the mute button comes into play!

Come to think of it, how did you “hear” me write to turn back around to finish reading this?  Total dick move on your part.