Last Thursday a 17-year-old was hospitalized after accidentally hanging herself while working at the “Creepyworld” Fenton haunted house. After a stint in the ICU, she has been moved after her condition improved.

The girl was working as an actress to scare guests when she was hurt on Thursday evening. A co-worker who makes rounds to check the safety of employees found her in the noose. She was unconscious.

Authorities have said it appears to have been an accident.

First off, duh. She’s being paid to scare people…there’s a noose right there…insert head A in to loop B to scare hoosier C. She just forgot the “D, don’t actually hang yourself.”

Oh, and kids, if you are thinking about taking a after school job and you find out that there is a person at your job who’s role is to walk around and check on the “safety of [the] employees”, don’t take that job…unless that guy is a bouncer and you’re a hot girl with daddy issues. Otherwise just go get a safe job. For example, if you work at Taco Bell no one’s going to worry about you not come home after your shift. Just don’t get any of that “meat” in your mouth…actually we’d avoid any skin contact at all just to be safe.

via STLToday

The Schnucks grocery store at 1060 Woods Mill Road is recalling all ground meat sold on Saturday October 1st after finding the scraps of a plastic glove while cleaning the grinder later in the day.

At 8 p.m. Saturday, a thin piece of plastic glove was found in the grinder during cleaning, according to a press release announcing the recall. All Schnucks ground beef and sausage was removed from the sales floor and discarded.

Customers who purchased Schnucks brand ground beef and sausage from the Woods Mill store between 9 a.m. and 8 p.m. Saturday may return it to the store for a full refund.

They have yet to find out if any employee hands are missing, but if so, as they say “meat’s meat.” We really wouldn’t even bother driving all the way back to Schnucks for new meat. You’d have to put pants on, get in the car, tune the radio for the first three stop lights until you find one that has the least amount of suckage for the next few minutes until the commercial…possibly chewing a plastic shred, or random fingernails really doesn’t seem worth that. Hell, it’s almost Halloween, so say they’re haunted hamburgers and just have them pick any knuckles or fingernails out. Throw some wet spagghetti in a bowl so they can move on to “brains” afterwards to complete the illusion.

You’re on your own with excuses though if your family asks why your burgers seem to have a lot of hairy palm meat and taste like loneliness.

via STLToday

Three STLPD officers were sent to the hospital after opening a mysterious container at the Mansion House Apartments while serving a warrant.

They were serving a warrant at the Mansion House Apartments on 4th Street in downtown St. Louis when they opened a container and were hit with a strong odor that caused headaches, breathing problems and profuse sweating.

What box horribleness be strong enough a stink to give three men headaches, breathing issues and sweating? Rosie O’Donnell probably has a box that horrible, but we can’t think of anything that bad in the bi-state area.

There is no word on what caused the reaction, the investigation continues.  A test of the substance shows no hazardous material.  The officers are expected to be ok.

So it didn’t contain any hazardous material, but something must have made three grown men sick. What was in that damn box?! Yesterday morning’s slinger leftovers? A copy of “You Got Served” on DVD? Gwyneth Paltrow’s head? Damn, I guess we’ll never know what St. Louis cops hate so much just seeing it would make them fall ill…

via KMOX

The secret of Tony’s horrible, gross, game-missing eye lies within season two of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Below is an episode summary with added emphasis:

After Master Shake nearly destroys the house by leaving garbage everywhere (especially in Frylock’s room, whose entrance he has bricked closed), burning styofoam [sic], stockpiling chicken carcasses, and planting land mines in the hallway, Frylock becomes disgusted and moves to a condominium. Frylock throws a housewarming party, but none of the people he invites attend. Out of desperation, he invites the Mooninites, who show up only long enough to trash his place.

Meanwhile, Shake, Meatwad, and even Carl go blind from conjunctivitis (their eyelids get so puffy, they can’t see). Frylock stops by to see how everyone is doing, and upon seeing how they can not take care of themselves, he tries to help. However, he is angered by Shake’s egotism, and he abandons them once again. Soon, the house burns down.

Tony was, in fact, initially diagnosed with conjunctivitis and we have to wonder how much raw chicken baseball and Styrofoam burning Tony had going on behind the scenes.

Notice the part where the house burns down. Someone should really go to check on temporary manager Joe Pettini right now…like right now.

Watch the clip for proof!

Update: Oh wait, Tony has shingles according to the Detroit Free Press, which doesn’t sound as funny until you realize that shingles is a variant of herpes, which is kinda funny when you phrase it like “Tony has eye herpes.” It’s almost like Pujols’ f-ed up, skanky play banged Tony’s eye like a back alley Thai hooker.

Nice try St. Louis Area Foodbank. Here’s where you messed up in your little trick to get people to be charitable by saying lifting canned goods are working out: We don’t want to do either of those things! In. Your. Face.

The organization also aims to demonstrate the physical benefits of volunteering at nonprofit organizations throughout St. Louis and is encouraging people to sign up for the “Pound for Pound Challenge,” a free online weight loss program that raises money for Feeding America.

A program that tries to get you to lose weight, only to raise funds so that others can gain weight? Feels like there’s an optimization here that involves liposuction and poor people overcoming any gag reflex they may have left. Can’t be that hard though, seeing as most people give creamed spiniach to food drives, “rich guy ass fat” can’t be much worse. The trick is to always call it by the French translation: riche cul grassouillet which sounds a lot nicer and seems to have worked for escargot.

via STLToday

The St. Charles County Council, which sounds like an awesome collection of warriors, but in reality is a boring collection of old white people clothed in over-priced sweaters, voted in to law a ban of certain bath salt items and more variants of the K2 “fake pot” because kids are getting high off to them. Spray paint and gas would have been outlawed too, but they dodged the ban bullet this time because “the council” needs those items this weekend to repaint their shed and drive to Old Country Buffet as it is their main source of food.

“These people are no different than drug pushers,” Council Chairman Joe Brazil, R-Defiance, said of stores that sell the products.

The bill was designated emergency legislation, allowing its introduction and passage at the same meeting.

The measure, which took effect upon the council’s 6-0 vote, covers both unincorporated areas and municipalities.

Kids snorting bath salts was an emergency? What the hell was the rush for?

Sheriff Tom Neer said outlawing the material would go a long way toward limiting the problem. “A lot of young people are using it just because it’s legal,” he said in an interview.

…ah, ok. Makes sense. You know how kids monitor the County Council meeting notes to see if any hastily enacted laws stop making one of their daily activities no longer interesting because of its legality.

So once again, a bunch of low-level government people are throwing around laws because some kinds found out another way to get high, most likely under the guise of “protecting our future” at the expense of our present. A waste of time and resources (The penalty is up to a year in jail, a $1,000 fine, or both.). Sure, maybe…just maybe…banning this particular brand of bath salts might save a kid’s life, but if that kid was destined to buy, smash and snort bath salts to get high, then that kid’s just going to end up buying, smashing and snorting something else…maybe he’ll survive that though, move in to the city, and rob us. Oh god. That would be sweet. We’re going to write a note for that kid now and always keep it with us so when the day happens, we’ll had it to him and just say “So the day has finally arrived.” and when he gets over his confusion and opens the note it will just say “Ha ha! We just ran away!” but then when he looks up we’ll only be a little ways down the street because that note wasn’t very long and we’re pretty out of shape.

via STLToday