Think you’re pretty awesome now don’t you Kansas City, luring Google’s promise of awesome internet service away from us. Well pat yourselves on the back now because once Google realizes all your internet traffic consists of is people watching YouTube videos of guys getting hit in the balls and posting “Maybe we can sign Pujols!” on Royals message boards, they’ll wish they would have came to the other side of the state first!

For you lucky Kansas City residents, Google has launched an informational page outlining what their plans are (it also provides some background about Google itself). The site’s FAQ says that Google hopes to begin building the network by the end of the year and that service should begin in the first quarter of 2012, with plans to roll out to all communities in Kansas City. Once the service is live pricing will be “competitive to what people are paying for Internet access today” though Google hasn’t yet named the plans.

Don’t get too high on your new friendship with Google Kansas City, there’s a good chance when they start to roll out your internet, they won’t know where to go!

via TechCrunch

Maybe you haven’t heard because you only use your computer for Facebook and sending people eCards and viruses, but Google threw it out there a few weeks ago that they are trying to get in to the crazy-fast internet service game and basically said “Hey, United States cities?  You want it?  Show me what you got.” Which prompted just about every city in the union to lose their shit trying to convince Google to go to the internet prom with them.  Hell, Topeka, Kansas basically became that first groupie to go down on Google, not because they are slutty, they just want to show Google how much they mean to them, by “changing” their city’s name to Google, Kansas.  Whore.

St. Louis, under the leadership of Mayor Slay, are taking the coy approach.  They know we want them, but we aren’t coming over.  We are just going to stay on the other side of the bar, bat our eyelashes and keep sipping on our pink drink that tastes like bubblegum or something.

Its not like we don’t want to gossip about Google though…so His Mayorness set up a poll about the situation.  Two things jumped out:

#1. There’s a question about your internet usage which just goes ahead and asks if you use it for porn.

14% stood up proudly behind the anonymity of the internet and said, “Yeah dude, porn is awesome.”   Seems low.  Also note below that only one more percentage of people use the internet for work email than watching porn. Love it. Look, when you’re football team sucks, you gotta do something on those cold winter Sundays.

The thing is though, is that you couldn’t choose more than one option, so if you wanted to choose porn, you were going all in.

#2. There’s a total shot at Charter in this poll.

In a reference to that slut Topeka’s name change to catch the eye of Google, the poll included a question about what we would think about St. Louis changing it’s name.  Check out option number five below.

Bam! Nothing worse than slow porn and Mayor Slay knows it.

Our best hope to get asked out by Google is if we make him feel sorry and get the pity invite, like the high school quarterback asking out the girl with Downs Syndrome.  Its not going to go anywhere, but we are just happy he knows our name.

via MayorSlay.com

We’re starting to think Google, as a company, are Cubs fans:

Its December!  So get ready for list after list after list and then a few list tv specials on VH1 about this “crazy” year!  …all the while forgetting that something might happen in the last few weeks.

The first entrant is Google, as they released their 2009 Zeitgeist that lists all kinds of interesting search data from the last year. For instance?  The top 10 search terms for stadiums which Yankee Stadium came in #1 and our own Busch Stadium came in 9th.

More interesting, or rather boring…very, very boring…were the top 10 searches from St. Louis:

ksdk news channel 5

schnucks ad

stlcc

hazelwood school district

insidestl

wehrenberg

parkway school district

weekends only

laclede gas

stl today

Jesus.  Really?  ”Schnucks Ad”?  God we’re freaking boring.  Couldn’t we at least gotten an “Hustler Club” in there?

You know the worst thing about this though, is that when I saw this list I swear I could hear tents getting pitched over at Channel 5′s offices.  They are going to squeeze this thing like the old Becky Queen of Carpet’s ass in to a pair of skinny jeans. Leisa Zigman will probably do a story about it.  Something along the lines of an old lady that was trying to Google for KSDK but instead got something else entirely! [Editor's Note: Dun dun daaa!]  Don’t hit that “I’m Feeling Lucky Button” until after sports and the weather!