What have we done to deserve all these trickster St. Louis teams?

“Oh I, we’re the Cardinals. We’re going to be pretty good there year! …oh wait, no we won’t. Ooop! Lets make the playoffs suddenly…no we won’t, wait…yes we will…just…barely. Hello Phillies! *shot in the face* Just a flesh wound!”

“Hey everyone, we’re the Rams! We did a lot of good stuff last year and spent some money in free agency so everyone says we’re definitely going to be even better and will totally make the playoffs. Oh crap. Turns out we suck more balls than the Oreck Deluxe Handheld Vac. What? You didn’t catch that somewhat obscure infomercial reference? We know how you feel. We don’t catch anything. Ever.”

The Rams are obviously in a far worse state than the Cardinals and not just because we all like the Cardinals better and always will, like how your parents will always prefer your sibling/family pet/someone else’s kid slightly over you. No, the Rams are crap because they are crap. They can’t catch, they can’t protect Sam Bradford, they can’t stop the other team from scoring, and the coaches can’t adjust or fix it. Freaking pathetic. This team looks like another 1-15 team, which after all this rebuilding and high draft picks, the blame rests completely at the feet of the coaching and front office staff. This season just hurts even more because of the talent that is there and the confidence boost from last year.

Isn’t there an Air Bud sequel that we could at least try to run out there? Or maybe a monkey that could grab a jersey[1] or little kid that had an injury that somehow makes him good enough to play professional sports suddenly[2]? Maybe Coach Spags needs to take the team to the mean streets and play a pick up football game with some thugs who will teach them all to love the game and some important, game-changing skills like “knuckle-pucks latterals” or how to catch[3].

We’re running out of crappy sports movie references, so we’ve done all we can. The rest is up to you Coach Spags…because if you don’t get ready for firecoachspags.com! Which, by the way, is available. Just sayin’.

Photo Credit: ESPN

Did you know there is such a thing as “Ram Rules”? Well there is, and if you were hoping a bunch of numb-nuts in over-the-top Rams gear can go through the first 5 with you, then you just passed Ram Rule #0: Be so stupid you need instructions on how to cheer at a sporting event.

…earlier we mentioned those are just the “first” 5, and we say that no because we want to George Lucas all over this shit and make it worse, but because a there are clearly more than just 5 Ram Rules. Maybe they’re implied by the people that created this video, but actually…

Ram Rule #6: Implication is for nerds! Make stuff easy because we’re dumb!

Rams fans clearly need every instruction spelled out completely. What do we do if there’s a touchdown? Do we slow clap, make a lot of noise, or do a ramming action thing with your head that will just look like we’re all blowing each other on the TV broadcast?

Ram Rule #7: Don’t save your cheers for the long down-field pass to a wide receiver that actually catches it, because that’s just never going to happen.

Seriously, even if Bradford gets it down there, who’s going to catch it? Butterfingers Kendrick or Frying Pan Hands McGee? Don’t think so.

Ram Rule #8: Make sure you say stupid crap like “Dome-field Advantage” and “12th Ram”

Other popular sayings are, or will be, “Green Bay Rammed Our Asses Like Crazy Last Sunday” and “That shirtless guy two sections over sure is getting RAM-bunctious…oh and now he’s screaming at a 6 year old wearing the other team’s jersey. Fantastic.”

Ram Rule #9: Every time the Rams, in their 4-3 defensive set, blitz with the cornerbacks and they’re picked up by the other teams’ offensive linemen, but use an effective swim move to get past only to just barely miss the sack as the quarterback makes a 16 yard completion to their slot receiver up the middle, we wanna hear you yell: “Oh man I hate when that happens, they must have picked up our blitz package and we should think about putting some people in motion next time to draw the quarterback in to thinking we are falling back in to coverage, and what the hell was the secondary doing?! That guy was wide open!”!!!

Ram Rule #10: Always fall for marketing gimmicks.

A couple of years ago the Rams’ marketing team came up with a slogan like “Bring It” and we went 1-32 (or something), last year the theme was “Come see Sam Bradford play, maybe buy a hot dog and please don’t leave before the half” and we won 7 games. This crap doesn’t matter. Cheer however you’d like.

Last week, just after the Rams season came to a close with the thunderous sound of sucking like it was 2009, 2nd year head coach Steve Spagnuolo fired Todd Hewitt abruptly closing his 24 year tenure as team equipment manager. Hewitt succeeded his father in the role, and, in total, had been with the Rams in some capacity since 1978.

We’d been ignoring the Hewitt story, also known as, St. Louis sports media’s current fixation, so far because we didn’t know anything about it. No one did, but the sports guys were still all over it: Bernie Miklasz questioned it, KFNS was all over it, 101ESPN didn’t seem to care hmm…well they’re Rams partners aren’t they? It was weird story for sure, but until someone talked, there wasn’t much for us to say.

Hewitt’s finally talking.

We have decided not to retain Todd Hewitt and Chuck Faucette going forward in 2011. We appreciate their efforts in the past and wish them well in the future.

That’s all the Rams would say. It was their official press release and when asked for follow up by anyone, that’s all they reply with. Hewitt had more to say when he opened up to our friends at the Riverfront Times. Let’s just say he doesn’t paint a pretty picture of the head coach.

​Over their two years together, the relationship between head coach and equipment manager had grown frosty. To hear Hewitt tell it, Spagnuolo brought a militaristic dysfunction to the locker room. He criticized the way Hewitt distributed socks. He questioned the way he hung wall fixtures. He scoffed at him for loading the team plane too slowly. He warned him never to talk back to him. By the second year, Hewitt couldn’t assign a number to a new player without checking upstairs first. “He made life miserable,” Hewitt sums up.

Spagnuolo has come under fire, like any NFL head coach, for lots of football reasons, like his “lets play football like we really just want a tie” offensive strategy, but as far as personal issues, “Spags” has come out squeaky clean thus far. In fact, he’s gotten people after him for being too tied to his value system, a system Spagnuolo has called the “Four Pillars”, which has led the Rams to pass on more talented, but possibly more troubled players in the past. That being said, high levels of angst, paranoia and micro-managing are the hallmarks for the NFL head coach. Ole Spagnuolo seems to have found a way to raise his game there at least, assuring himself a playoff spot in the critical NFL game of “shit that really doesn’t matter”.

Adding fuel to the Spagnuolo fire is that the last 10 Rams head coaches and respective set of players all loved Hewitt and can’t figure out why you would fire the man. Many have called Hewitt with their displeasure and confusion over the whole thing. Sadly even personal phone calls from Dick Vermeil and Marshall Faulk, hasn’t helped Hewitt stay on the Rams bandwagon:

“To be honest, I’m praying they lose every game next year,” he says, adding that he has vowed never to watch another Rams game with Spagnuolo at the helm.

Tough to find fault with that sentiment.

Thank god though that finally, finally, the Rams will have their socks handed to them and pictures hung in a manner that Coach Spagnuolo prefers. You don’t get handed your socks right, people die, it’s that simple. How could the Rams wide recievers think about catching the ball in Seattle when their minds were filled with “I can’t believe Todd hung that photo with only one little nail. What if there’s an earthquake? Without a properly anchored screw that picture might just fall off the wall in 7 to 12 years! …oh crap, I was supposed to catch that. Damn you Todd Hewitt!!!!!!”

The only plus we see in all of this, is that finally someone has left that Rams that 101 ESPN won’t just hire to put on a 14th post-game Rams report.

via Riverfront Times

Oh Mizzou fans, wasn’t it much easier when you had a starting quarterback that was a little short guy that was good but not good enough that any NFL team would pick after 255 chances? You had to go out and recruit a tall kid with a strong arm and good mobility. Now he’s gone.

“This is definitely a bittersweet day for me, I was really looking forward to having a chance to do some special things next season with my teammates, but in the end, this is the right decision to make for myself and my family,” said Gabbert.

…and with that statement, Blaine Gabbert takes the early lead for the understatement of the year. Why on earth would a kid choose to spend more time in Columbia when he could go in the 1st round of April’s NFL draft and be a millionaire? Oh we’re sure he’ll totally miss Harpo’s though. Probably get all wispy about it right when he getting a half and half from some ridiculous broad in the back of his Escalade.

Meanwhile, now that the question of “Will he or won’t he?” has been answered, attentions turn to “Where will he go?”

Currently, and this stuff changes every day until April, ESPN draft expert Todd McShay has Gabbert going #5 in the draft to…you’re really not going to want to hear this…Rams division rivals, the Arizona Cardinals.

Gabbert has risen up the board late in the season thanks to the size, arm strength and pocket mobility to develop into an effective starter in the NFL.

If true, expect Kevin Slaten, the tree falling in the woods of St. Louis radio, to already start carving Gabbert’s name in to his arm right next to Kurt Warner’s. We also have something carved in to our arm, but we don’t need to get in to what the meaning of “fatty” is or what high school was like.

via STLToday

Sunday was Sam Bradford and the Rams chance to shine. They should have beaten a bad Seahawks team and at least showed a national audience that the Rams are up-and-commers in the league with a flash new star-in-the-making quarterback, Sam Bradford, not to mention doing the NFL a solid by not allowing the first sub .500 team in to the playoffs.

None of that stuff happened.

We should have known it was going to go sour from the very beginning when Sam Bradford showed up to his NBC Sports interview with Frank Gifford looking like we just pulled this kid off the farm and yanked his John Deer hat off his matted head. Jesus dude. You’ve got $65 Mil in the bank, maybe get a comb or at least take a freaking shower before your national TV interview.

After that the game came on. A game that was so bad it seems the Rams couldn’t even shit themselves correctly.It started with the coaching staff clearly having their team ready to go out there and take a dump on national TV with mindbogglingly bad play-calling (Only running Steven Jackson 11 times against the league’s worst run defense?!), but then the players managed to make it worse with dropped passes, interceptions, and loads of miss tackles. It’s like they walked out there to take a shit right there on the field, but instead it got worse when they were fumbling with their belt and then couldn’t get their pants down correctly…and forgot to squat, or even just squeeze their butt cheeks. The next thing we all knew we’re looking at a Rams team with poo rolling down their leg. Not a good look when rocking the white pants.

Through our sexy super journalistic abilities we actually acquired a photo of Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo showing off his game plan just prior to tonights debacle.

How did no one notice this wasn’t going to work?! It’s just a giant pile of poop with a little flag in it! We would think better plans don’t look like this…at least have a bigger flag in there.

The Rams had to win and they did, despite their usual lame offensive coaching when they get even the smallest of leads.

Sam Bradford led the charge with 292 yards, going 28 for 37 with 1 touchdown and no interceptions, all while breaking Peyton Manning’s 12-year old record for NFL rookie completions.

“I guess it’s pretty cool,” Bradford said of the record. “I’m all fired up about the win. If you don’t get excited for a game like this, you’re probably in the wrong business.”

On the other side of the field though, the 49ers looked craptacular as ever with their head coaching spending more time yelling at today’s starting quarterback than making any meaningful adjustments. After dropping to 5-10 despite having the most talent in the NFC Western division, there is little chance Mike Singletary returns…maybe if he had a little bigger cross around his neck during the game…or if he tried not sucking.

Also, nicely done by the Rams to let this special kid on to the field during the game:

“Der…I play the football real good!”

You sure do sport. You sure do.

via ESPN