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Doctor, is it a cause for concern if your turds come out screaming while kicking and clawing at your legs? Oh, I see. So your medical opinion is that the reason is needed to go to the bathroom this morning, was not a food baby, but because I was having an actual baby? Interesting. Can I get a second opinion?

Here’s one: You’re also, pretty clearly, retarded.

No joking. That actually happened yesterday morning. In St. Louis. For reals.

A Florissant, Missouri, woman went to the bathroom Tuesday and ended up having a baby. Jane Calvin says she didn’t even know she was pregnant. She screamed for help. Mark Loving, the baby’s father, was in the next room and was stunned to find the tiny girl. He grabbed a towel and called 911.

Calvin says, “I went into shock because I had no clue really, what just happened because I just freaked out.”

WTF? This can’t really…dude. No way. This is so stupid. How do you not know you’re pregnant?! When the kid ends up spending the majority of his time in preschool bangin his head in to the ground and drooling on herself you’re gonna wish you would have popped for the pregnancy pee stick instead of going out all those times over the last nine months.

They considered several names, including Faith, Grace and Destiny.  They named her “Faith”. Both parents believe she is a miracle.

Miracle seems like a strong word for this. Pretty sure she won’t think of it that way when someone in her middle school runs across this story. Frankly, they should have just not named her. It will make her much more attractive to her just-a-matter-of-time adopted parents if they can have the honor.

By the way, this looks like the “mother’s” Facebook page which sadly has no updates that we can see, but if you’re her friend we’re guessing it goes a little something like:

Hey ya’ll! Man my back hurts today…has for a few months now.

Man I’m lactating a lot lately. FML.

Ok! Who spilled water underneath me? Not funny.

Wow I must really have to fart! This is the worst gas pain ever and it’s coming like every 10 minutes…

Fox2′s Randi Naughton was all giggly about this story, but you’re with us aren’t you John Pertzborn! This is some gross, dangerous, retarded stuff isn’t it? Show us how you really feel!

Ditto.

via Fox2, but tip ‘o the cap goes to the RTF for spotting it first!

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Since when do we listen to 14 year old girls? Have they proven themselves trustworthy? No, they haven’t. 14 years are the epitome of dramatic little creatures that will lie for attention. “I heard Sarah say that Bobby thinks your ugly.”, “Love that skirt Katie! …whatever.”, “The janitor touched me!” You can’t believe a word 14 year old girls say! First off, Allen the Janitor is a saint! You can’t have a mustache, jeans jacket and a blacked out window-less van with a bag of Butterfingers in the back and not be a lovely gentleman. Secondly, who would believe a baboon got loose just because a girl had a photo on her cell phone?

Everyone it turns out.

Cell phones can get on the internet now and easily download a photo…like say of a baboon right? Thought so. Just checking.

Authorities say a report of a baboon or chimp on the loose in a Florissant subdivision was a hoax.A 14-year-old girl who claimed she saw the animal in her backyard and snapped a photo told police this afternoon that she actually found a picture of a baboon on the Internet and took a photo of it on her computer screen, police said.

Florissant police said the department spent much of the day investigating the incident.

A baboon was running around Florissant?! You believed that? What amazing detective instinct led you finally realize that a baboon running around Florissant wasn’t real?

The girl’s mother had provided the photo of the baboon to city officials and news media. But an identical photo can be found in an Internet search and the story began to unravel.

It only “unraveled” then?  Jesus. A freaking baboon in Florissant?! A baboon. In Florissant? None of this seemed at all strange to anyone?!

It gets better…all it took was one photo of a baboon to yank that mask of sanity right off the face of Florissant, Missouri.

Another woman who said she owned a monkey was walking around with a net, hoping to catch the loose animal.

Yes, save us all with your net. Maybe after this mystery hop back in the van with Shaggy and see if you find that ghost pirate ship that’s been trouble the people of O’Fallon Gulch.

One woman, who did not want to be identified, said she owned a monkey. She made baboon-like noises and scattered Lays potato chips and Cheetos on the ground in an effort to lure out the animal.

But what “baboon-like noises”? Here’s video…which by the way identifies the woman, with her clearly seen face, and the reporter calls her “Joe”. No one keeps their sources like STLToday!

Those of you looking to now kill yourself for being apart of this society, we’re meeting at the Shop ‘n Save parking lot on Gravois tonight at 8:15p.

via STLToday