We like to take digs at St. Charles county on here from time to time but one thing we have really grown to love about St. Chuck are the street names out there. Every name is so wistful with a hint of lame. Looking at a map is like flipping through a paint color sample booklet: Willow Road, Morningside Drive, Lindy’s Landing, Motherhead Road…there are so many new roads popping up out there it’s clear people stopped giving a shit about how dumb the name is a long time ago, if anyone can think of anything not taken in a 15 mile radius they print up a street sign.

Of course, no matter many times you name a street after a royal palace, fruit or a type of tree, it doesn’t mean messed up stuff can’t go down there…but it does kinda make it a little funnier: (emphasis ours)

Patrick A. Sweeney, 47, of the first block of Buckingham Place, was charged Monday with first-degree assault, armed criminal action, both felonies, and third-degree misdemeanor assault.

Well whatever did “Sir” Patrick do. In short? He lost his shit and proved that he doesn’t just look like the president of the Charlie Manson Fan Club.

Suspected of being drunk, first Sweeney turned on his 66 year old mother. Punching her in the head, neck, back and shoulders, finally knocking her to the ground. After that opening card, he faced off with his brother when he tried to interviene, striking him “several times” in the head with a hammer.

Sweeney is in jail with a $100k bail.

That urge you have to burn things is from this picture of Sweeney looking in to your soul. Those aren’t really scorpions on your arms and please don’t burn anything.

via STLToday

I have no idea where Lexington, Missouri is and frankly I don’t want to know because a family was recently arrested there and…well…tell ‘em block quote:

Burrell Jr. of Independence, his three brothers, his father and an uncle have all been arrested. Their alleged victims have made allegations of years of rape and incest,

Dude.

[...] including mock weddings

Awww, dude.

[...] and claims that children were forced to kill a 300-pound man who had been kidnapped

Dude!

[...] and that a sex slave was confined in a crawl space.

Eh…can’t fault them there. I’m not sure where else you would put a sex slave.

Holy sh*t. That has got to be the most F-ed up family ever.  Look, lets not be naive, “rape and incest” happen enough in families, its not news…mock weddings though?  That’s like the rape version of twisting the knife.  Not only am I going to rape you, but we have to pretend like we are getting married first so you have to think about how I’m going to rape you while we do this imaginary wedding and then, I would assume, an imaginary reception.

I bet that father-daughter dance was awkward as hell!

via Globe Democrat

Dear Holliday family -

You’re not really new here per se, but I’m sure with Matt’s impending free agency  you really didn’t want to spread out and settle in.  After that big contract though, its time to spread out and learn about your new home!  Don’t be fooled though.  St. Louis can be a tricky and complicated place…

Allow us to help you with a set of 10 rules to live by.

1. Always always always run to first base, even when you are totally out.
2. If you ever drive west so far that don’t see gay or black people anymore, you’ve gone past 270.  Turn around.
3. Try the Imo’s.  Even if you don’t like it, say you do.
4. The Zoo here is free.  Pretty sweet.
5. Just to be clear, it wasn’t just last season.  Every year most of the fans at the ballpark will have hairy backs yet still wear sleeveless shirts.
6. Keep this map we made you on you to find out where and where NOT to go. (Circles are good)
7. When we get bad storms in the spring, don’t even bother trying to watch a show on Fox.  Dave Murray breaks in to programming every 5 minutes pitching a weather vane.  He loves that stuff.
8. If you could be the designated driver for the Cardinals, that would help us out a lot!
9. Try the toasted ravioli and get used to it….its everywhere.
10. I would just ignore Illinois completely.