“Whew! We made it! We thought our business would be done for sure during the now infamous Joplin tornados, but somehow our auto paint supply building and business managed to survive and good thing too, because it’s rough out here now and our house sure took a beating. I was just sayin’ to Jan the other day how happy I am we still have money rolling in. A lot of people weren’t as fortunate as…

*ring* *ring*

…hold on, let me get that.

Yes, that’s me.

Uh huh…

Well yes sir, I do own that building…

Son. Of. A. BITCH!”

A downtown Joplin building exploded and burst into flames early Tuesday.

The Joplin Fire Department says no injuries were reported after the fire at the Wholesale Auto Paint Store. The two-story building was unoccupied when the explosion occurred about 4:45 a.m.

The building, owned by Bob and Jan Gaskill, Joplin, was declared a total loss.

Figures right? The only good thing about this is that the explosion had a lot less stuff around it to hurt with the shrapnel in the pile of crap that is now Joplin, MO. This is like if when you’re pissing on one of those urinal cakes, and you really had to go so you’re pissing a lot, and then you’re done…but right before you zip back up you feel some leftovers in there and give it the half shake/muscle push and a little bit more piss comes out. Well that’s pretty much what just happened to the urinal cake that is Joplin. You’re God in that story just getting one little bit of surprise piss after your previously decimating urine stream. …ok sorry, maybe you’re “Allah”, Mormon Jesus, or whoever it is that Tom Cruise worships, it really doesn’t matter, be freaking Superman if you want….wait. Dibs on Superman!

via KMOV

Areas of Sunset Hills were evacuated last night based on the threat of a possible explosion of an MRI machine that was damaged in the Great Storm of New Years Eve (turn to KSDK, I think they are still airing “continuing coverage” of the storm) and found to be still on, thus posing a hazard to the area. Or it could have been damaged because this fat guy in the photo keeps posing for photos on MRI machines. Also, you gotta think khaki is a bad move for someone with enough sweating surface area below the waist. A good think black pant is what we would recommend.

Anyway, here’s hoping that the danger they speak of is radiation that could turn St. Louis is land of superheroes and not just some dumb ole explosion.

If helium inside the machine is not ventilated and air or water gets into the system, ice can form. This can cause a blockage of letting that gas out, and pressure buildup from the helium gas can cause an explosion.

Ah…explosion. Damn.

Officials are also sure to add that the explosion, while possible, probably won’t happen…but…they’re still going to close down South Lindbergh until late Friday morning. Oh, that’s the way you drive in to work? That sucks.

We would like to add that if the explosion does happen, be sure to resist the temptation of looking at it. You may want to check it out, or look to see if a large chunk of MRI machine is headed your way, but don’t. You look much cooler that way. Tell you what? We’ll look at it for you and then tell you what happened later. We have enough cool stock to watch a few explosions with out dropping out score. How’d we get to that point you ask? Dumb question, but we’ll answer anyway: Umbro shorts. The trick is to have some of your balls peaking out playfully when squatting to help someone pick something up. Oh you didn’t drop anything? Well you just got a freebie my dear. *wink*

via KMOV

You’ve thought about it. What would happen if you set a fireworks stand on fire? Apparently a really cool explosion followed by lots of whiney sounds about things like “public safety” and “laws”.

Fire Marshal Barry Nuss of the Lincoln County Fire Protection District said the fire in the 1,800-square-foot tent was set shortly before 4 a.m., but he would not say how.

We’re guessing a match or lighter, but it would be awesome if they lit it from a sparkler.

Fireworks shot through the middle third of the tent, which melted away, filling the sky with a display visible miles away.

Too bad Troy is so far out there no one saw the awesome explosion other than two deer and a crazy woods-people. In fact, if these kids are smart, they should use the “If a fireworks stand is lit on fire and no one hears the explosion, does it make a felony?” defense.

Of course, now the public’s questions turn to their motivation…wait what?

“There wasn’t a specific motivation,” said Capt. Shayne Duryea of the Lincoln County Sheriff’s Department. “According to the statements given by one of the suspects, it was purely random.”

Hell no it wasn’t random. It was a fireworks stand…being lit on fire. A tent full of explosives…being lit on fire. Explosives that make pretty colors…being lit on fire. Is that no clear enough? Was it right? No. They shouldn’t have done that, but I think the motivation is pretty clear.

Another example of something like that is anything in this picture:

via STLToday

A house exploded on Big Bend Station in Manchester Wednesday! I wonder what awesome project was being worked on in there…flubber? Creating a woman that will have sex with anyone? Maybe a transporter? …must be awesome though because they blew up the house and that mean crazy kid scientist that will walk out with soot all over his face and his hair spiked looking dazed, but totally fine. His parents will just look at him…”That’s our Jimmy!”

When the home exploded Wednesday evening it was lifted up and off of its foundation, but police report it landed back in place.

Awesome.

Police investigated the home and found equipment that could be used to make methamphetamines.

Figures.

Meth house explosions aren’t nearly as whimsical. There isn’t that soot covered little kid holding test tubs, when meth labs explode, just a bunch of methheads and rats scurry out of the house.

…though just like the mad scientists, meth does work hard to produce chicks that will hook up for cheap. Like “smashed up rock candy in a baggie” cheap.

via Globe Democrat