“No Child Left Behind” is a federal mandate stipulating that all students must be able to perform basic math and reading skills and prepare all kids for college or to join the work force…but not in Missouri, because dem roolz r too dang imp0sable!

The Education Department is seeking a waiver which is allowed but first they want to know what you think. Education officials will gather public input starting now until January 5 and then will present their plan to the State Board of Education on January 17th.

Get out there and vote dumb kid parents! You know the school can’t save your kid that spends his school days eating glue, playing with himself and cutting poorly drawn skulls in to the top of his desk, so why make the school system suffer?

Educators say that the pressure of trying to reach 100 percent proficiency has created an unhealthy focus on standardized tests, with continual drilling in the classroom and a narrowing of curriculum that excludes anything beyond math and reading. Some also blame the law for creating a warped atmosphere that led educators to allegedly rig test results in Atlanta, Baltimore and the District of Columbia.

…while other educators think “F*ck those kids. I didn’t have a graphing calculator filled with games and the test answers growing up, so if they’re so damn smart, learn stuff yourself. Plus none of this crap matters. Does the quadratic equation help you hold the door open at Wal-Mart, or help you balance your fat ass on one leg for a second while you get those sweat pants on? Didn’t think so.”

Individual “You’re Getting Left Behind.” waivers will be given to all stupid kids next year, along with a second copy pinned to their shirt, because you just know that note isn’t making it home otherwise.

via KMOX and The Washington Post

In our extensive experience we know that two things are required to make a good counselor: a sweater vest and empathy. Guess which one you can’t buy?

A former Webster University student who was studying to be a family counselor says in a lawsuit that he was dismissed from a master’s degree program after it was determined that he lacked empathy.

The suit, which claims up to $1 million in losses and seeks at least $2 million in punitive damages, alleges the school dismissed him quickly rather than help him improve his empathy to complete the field work required for graduating.

So a school, Webster University, has decided to kick a student out after little warning because of one item on the checklist after he passed all others…and they’re saying he’s the one without empathy?

The student, David Schwartz, 44, of University City, had received all A’s and only one C in his course work, according to a school transcript. But he was dismissed from the program on March 14 after he received a “no credit” for failing to successfully complete the practicum, in which he was to apply his class work to a real-world counseling setting.

That does seem kinda weird. Any other reason you could see why you’d be booted so quickly?

Schwartz alleges in his lawsuit that he was deemed a poor performer after he wrote an anonymous letter to the dean criticizing a professor’s teaching methods and noting the romantic relationship between that professor and an administrator.

Ah, well there you go! It wasn’t a lack of empathy for your patients, but empathy for your teacher! A teacher who really just wanted to be a little lazy in the classroom and to bone that administrator. How could you not have empathy for that?! Dick. That’s obviously your problem. Just think of people that want to be lazy and bang others, all while at work! I think we can all be more empathetic for them.

Yup, that’s definitely it…and his last semester counseling term paper entitled “Cry About It More Bitch: A Study In Why I Don’t Give A Shit Where Your Daddy Touched You or Why It Makes You Want to Burn Things; If Anyone’s Touching Anyone, It Should Be Your Mom Touching Me (On My Penis)” had a thing or two to do with the decision.

Damn college papers and their long titles.

via STLToday

Quick! What’s the word floccinaucinihilipilification mean? …no clue? Don’t feel bad average St. Louisan! The guy reading over your shoulder in the Tigers hat is probably still working on the word “Q-u-i-c-k”

According to a new report, 47 percent of Detroiters are  ”functionally illiterate.” The alarming new statistics were released by the Detroit Regional Workforce Fund on Wednesday.

“Not able to fill out basic forms, for getting a job — those types of basic everyday (things). Reading a prescription; what’s on the bottle, how many you should take… just your basic everyday tasks,” [Karen Tyler-Ruiz] said.

47 percent is a crazy high number, and truly sad for the city of Detroit…but also…and more importantly…sad for St. Louis, because the people of Detroit can’t simply read this post to easily find out how much better we are than them. Can’t anyone think of us for once?! Someone would have to take the computer from them and help them out, and it would probably be one of those things where the guy’s sounding out “kitty” for like 3 hours and you want him to get there eventually but you also have some stuff you gotta do, so you have to pull the “Ok…good…let me help you here.” and then he gets all retard angry with you. …oh and this is probably the same guy that installed the breaks in your American made car. Think about that!

You’re reading this right now, so you have all the skills you need to be a god in Detroit! Get over there, become mayor and you can preside over miles of busted buildings and packs of wild dogs…it’s like St. Louis, but with more dogs. Remember the trick when addressing your public: Spell out the bad stuff. Your mom did it to you and now we can all do it to Detroit.

via KMOX

The free ride might be over for St. Louis city residents who have been living the good life with “free” trash pick up.

On Wednesday, city leaders released a proposed budget that includes a provision for homeowners to pay $8 a month for trash services. The city said the move would raise $10 million in the next budget.

City leaders claim that many county residents currently pay for trash service. In some communities, trash collection costs homeowners up to $20 a month.

…and do those county residents also have to give 1% of their income over to their local government every year? Ok, great. Douchebagsayswhat?

We here at Punching Kitty are all for the city relieving it’s monetary woes, but potentially picking up less trash because someone didn’t pay their bill is a slipper slope to Detroit. Make your money, but keep picking up all the trash you can as often as you can. You accidentally compact a bum? Eh, it happens.

Also, maybe trash pickup shouldn’t be all that much of a focus right now. Things seem to be going pretty good there. Oh by the way I drove past four kids in the street at 11am on a Tuesday being taught how to hunt for food by a ferrel dog, but yeah, lets make sure that trash pick up is making the bank.

via KSDK

We won! The Federal government took one look at our schools and kids and said, “Holy crap. Give them some money. Its like those Sally Struthers commercials but the kids have less flies on their faces.”

U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced Monday that Missouri will receive $54 million in federal funding to turn around its lowest-achieving schools, particularly 50 struggling schools in St. Louis and Kansas City.

These funds are part of the $3.5 billion that will be made available to states this spring from money set aside in the 2009 budget and the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

“The trick is to misspell Missouri, turn all your r’s the wrong way and submit your application in crayon!” says some guy  that you won’t know so I can just make up a name. “This money is going to really help the process of education. With new bullet-proof vests and access to better copy machines our best and brightest teachers can stay alive and make enough copies of their resumes to find a nice job in St. Charles county.” continued Slappy Knobslob.

via St. Louis Business Journal

The Illinois Senate is currently mulling over a move that would make all Illinois State public schools to go from the standard five-day school week to the severely retarded idea of a four-day school week.

The Illinois senate is considering a measure that would change the current five-day school week into a four-day week for public school students.

The proposal has already received approval in the Illinois House.

Over the past few years, similar legislation has been presented by Missouri lawmakers but all have been rejected.

The reason given for the proposed four-day school week would be the savings that would be earned with a fewer day of transportation and electricity citing that a Illinois district recently had to let go of 54 teachers.

Now I’ve heard they do math differently in Illinois, on accounting of their sixth finger, but even still something doesn’t add up.

They seem to be ignoring the other effects a four-day week would have on the school ecosystem. Since we’re pretty sure that no one is going to shorten the average person’s work week to match their child’s, welcome to another day you have to pay for daycare low income Daddy that is barely making ends meet as it is!  Also, unless the four remaining days increase in length, that means the school will also be “saving” the money from Mr. Oldveitnamvet the creep janitor that mops really really slowly, and has ear hair as thick as shrubbery, since he more than likely gets paid by the hour.  Same goes for the Mrs. Giantwartonherface the lunch lady and Ms. Theresnowayanyoneismarryingme the bus driver. Not only that, but we hardly doubt the savings from electricity and gas alone would be enough to offset the costs of 54 teacher salaries, meaning you can’t say this move would have helped them.

The fact is your job as a school is to teach kids during the work week and prepare them for life. If you can’t even keep the doors open for 5 days a week, where does it end? Once a week middle school lock-in-style “cram sessions”?

via KSDK