Quick! What’s the word floccinaucinihilipilification mean? …no clue? Don’t feel bad average St. Louisan! The guy reading over your shoulder in the Tigers hat is probably still working on the word “Q-u-i-c-k”

According to a new report, 47 percent of Detroiters are  ”functionally illiterate.” The alarming new statistics were released by the Detroit Regional Workforce Fund on Wednesday.

“Not able to fill out basic forms, for getting a job — those types of basic everyday (things). Reading a prescription; what’s on the bottle, how many you should take… just your basic everyday tasks,” [Karen Tyler-Ruiz] said.

47 percent is a crazy high number, and truly sad for the city of Detroit…but also…and more importantly…sad for St. Louis, because the people of Detroit can’t simply read this post to easily find out how much better we are than them. Can’t anyone think of us for once?! Someone would have to take the computer from them and help them out, and it would probably be one of those things where the guy’s sounding out “kitty” for like 3 hours and you want him to get there eventually but you also have some stuff you gotta do, so you have to pull the “Ok…good…let me help you here.” and then he gets all retard angry with you. …oh and this is probably the same guy that installed the breaks in your American made car. Think about that!

You’re reading this right now, so you have all the skills you need to be a god in Detroit! Get over there, become mayor and you can preside over miles of busted buildings and packs of wild dogs…it’s like St. Louis, but with more dogs. Remember the trick when addressing your public: Spell out the bad stuff. Your mom did it to you and now we can all do it to Detroit.

via KMOX

“I love Detroit.”

That was former Kansas City Royal, Oakland Athletic, Boston Red Sox, New York Yankee and current Detroit Tiger Johnny Damon yesterday after turning down a chance to be traded back to the Boston Red Sox team he helped bring a World Series Championship to in 2004 after sweeping the Car…ugh. Blockquote to break the painful memory anyone?

The Red Sox claimed Damon on waivers this week, but he had the right to veto a move to Boston because of a no-trade clause in his contract.

“These guys really like me here,” Damon said Tuesday, adding that he spoke to each of his teammates individually to be sure he was wanted in the Tigers’ clubhouse.

Jesus. Everyone knows you’re a liar and just don’t want to go back to Boston because the fans were mean to you while rocking pinstripes. Wanna know why? Because Detroit sucks dude. Totally sucks. As in “worse than St. Louis” sucks. When people visit Detroit they always step on their tip-toes like they are trying to quickly walk through a puddle. Going downtown has got to be like driving around in Grand Theft Auto but with less people on the street to hit.

“I feel like we’re not out of it yet,” he said. “At least we can make some kind of run.”

No Johnny, Detroit is not going to make the playoffs.

Damon said he’d like to play in Detroit next year too, but “there’s no guarantee.”

…that Deroit will even been there next year? First smart thing you’ve said all day. We hear their homeless are nearing completion on their Homeless Deathstar made out of shopping carts, old coats and used condoms. There’s one exhaust duct you can shoot to destroy it, but its all gross and you’d have to get up close. Just give them Detroit.

[Editor's Note: Some posts are actually about St. Louis, while others are about us looking down our nose at shittier cities. It's called variety. You're welcome.]

Photo: Johnny Damon’s Wife. Ah! Now you get it.

via ESPN Boston

Recently Forbes magazine pulled together all the data of where people have moved from and to in 2008 since “More than 10 million Americans moved from one county to another during 2008.” They also made a pretty little infographic showing inbound and outbound movement from a specified location.

Our tipster clicked St. Louis.

The results weren’t pretty.

Red is people moving away from St. Louis. Black is people moving too St. Louis.

That’s a lot of people hauling ass out of the Lou. The red doesn’t help, it makes it seem like people are leaving a fire trail burning rubber out of here…which actually would be pretty damn cool, but only until after the fires stopped and you looked around and noticed all that’s left of the neighborhood is you, the known pedophile and some car-jackingers.

If you can see past all the red there is one place people left to actually come to St. Louis. Do you see it?

Yeah. It’s totally Detroit! Freaking losers.

Ok. You left St. Louis, whatever. You wanna stay? That’s cool. …wait, you are coming here on purpose? …what hell hole did you leave? Oh Detroit? Makes sense.

Detroit is quickly turning in to one of those cities they use in video games and movies that look so horrible and shitty with amazing crime or horror movie-type plots that people are really surprised when they find out that place actually exists.

via Forbes