There are some that believe, despite all the evidence to the contrary, like the dropping population numbers, the fact we have our own, albeit crappy, superhero, and that St. Louis’s crime issue isn’t as bad as folks like us make it out to be.

To those people, we present this, the saddest, craziest story we’ve heard of…so far this week:

In short, a group of people gathered in the street for a vigil for their slain family member and friend last week. During the vigil, cars pulled up and began firing shots at the crowd of mourners, prompting return fire from some attending the vigil, while others, like 21-year old Kiara Saffold, tried to run for cover, but during her escape she was hit by a car that just kept on driving. Kiara was in the hospital in serious condition and then died Saturday afternoon.

A murder, that led to a gun fight that led to a hit-and-run. Thank god these assholes were horrible shots or it could have been a lot worse. Maybe that can be our new tourism slogan “St. Louis: You’ve got a fighting chance because none of us are very good shots!”

Nah…we’re good on the crime stuff here in the city. Go ahead and book that extra aging early 90′s band for Fair St. Louis! You’ve earned the time to relax city government, and the Barenaked Ladies are here to take your cares away!

via KMOV

Former Cardinals hitting coach Mitchell Page died in his sleep at age 59, and no other details are available at this time. Though it is worth pointing out, since no one else seems to, that Page was relieved from his position as hitting coach after the 2004 season because of a drinking problem and was said to have been pushed checked himself in to a rehab facility shortly after. It’s not known of his alcohol problem and his recent death are related, but 59 is pretty young to be going in your sleep without “help” from other issues.

Page was a former Rookie of the Year in 1977 and was the hitting instructor from 2001-2004. He enjoyed stuffing his afro in to a hat so that the sides would squish out, wearing glasses a little too small for his head and having facial hair designs usually reserved for relief pitchers.

via STLToday

CBS’s Russ Mitchell talks with the author of “Dethroning the King: The Hostile Takeover of Anheuser-Busch, An American Icon” Julie Macintosh about her thoughts on the mysterious death of Busch’s girlfriend, Adrienne Nicole Martin. (We would have embedded it here, but CBS sucks and disabled embedding…and probably touches new born puppies in bad places.)

Interesting stuff about a case that so far, has netted very little int the way of details aside from a 911 tape that was as boring as they come despite all the media outlets trying to make it interesting. Oh god! The guy said “It’s dark in here!” No way! Someone must have been trying to hide the body by…turning out the lights?! If you have nothing interesting to report, just say “Nothing yet but we’re looking.” or just don’t say anything at all.

Here’s what’s out there just so we’re all clear:

- August Busch IV’s girlfriend was found dead in his house by a house staff member.

- Busch and “others” were home at the time.

- There were a reported 42 minutes between the body being found and the 911 call being placed.

- Cops aren’t publicly concerned with Busch IV or that any foul play was involved, suspecting an overdose but awaiting toxic screening results.

- The body was cremated.

- The family of the deceased has claimed that she wasn’t in to drugs, but she was a Hooters waitress and “aspiring model” dating a rich playboy beer baron, so…you know…we’ll see.

- We’ve also learned that pretty much any chick we a decent rack and photos online can be called an “aspiring model.”

Nothing more to report no matter how big the headlines are or how “shocking” one of the local stations anchors says their broadcast will be tonight (after sports and the weather).

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re aspiring to go eat a sandwich.

August Busch IV, St. Louis’ bad boy playboy millionaire, who’s family beer-making business was sold to InBev a few years ago, had yet another run in with Johnny Law recently when a dead woman was found last Sunday in his South Lindbergh mansion. The woman, 27 year old Adrienne Nicole Martin, was a former girlfriend of Busch. Pretty suspicious that a woman was found dead in a mansion and the mansion was owned by her boyfriend, and the boyfriend has had a few issues with the law in his past right…and that all day Sunday my trick knee was aching which usually means there’s been a disturbance in the Hooters waitress force?

No, says Busch’s lawyer:

Art Margulis, a lawyer for Busch, said Busch and others were at the mansion when her death was discovered Sunday. Martin, a former Hooters waitress and aspiring beer advertising model, and Busch had been dating for a year, he said. Margulis said there was “absolutely nothing suspicious about her passing, and it’s a tragic and untimely death of a young person.

Though initial autopsy reports show now trauma to her body, and a full toxicology report isn’t due for nearly six weeks, Martin’s family believes that the causes were natural:

Dr. Kevin J. Martin, 45, who is a medical doctor who now lives in Cape Girardeau, Mo., said in an interview Friday that he does not know his ex-wife’s cause of death but said that she had a heart condition called Long QT syndrome. The heart rhythm disorder can potentially cause fast, chaotic heartbeats that can, in some cases, cause sudden death.

Sounds plausible, but if her condition was really something that had a decent chance of dropping her at a moment’s notice, wouldn’t you think her medical doctor husband would have been a little more forceful about getting that fully checked out? Seems like a long shot to us. Well if the toxicology report comes back inconclusive then they can take a look at the body again and figure out this mystery!

Meanwhile, a memorial service for Martin, whose body has been cremated, will be held Dec. 30 in Springfield.

…ok, scratch that! Seems like cremation was a little hasty being as no one has the faintest idea as to why she died. Also, despite the lack of initial foul play evidence, you can’t overlook August Busch IV’s criminal past which includes the car wreck that turned fatal for his passenger, an Arizona waitress, which Busch himself tried to leave the scene only to be busted and then let go after the evidence was lost. Then, in 1985, just two years later, Busch lead a high-speed chase and drew criminal charges that included the attempt to run over two officiers. He escaped the charges though by claiming he thought it was a kidnapping attempt. …Apparently he thought he was at a strip club in Bogata, Columbia not Sauget, Illinois.

It will be interesting to see what conclusion comes from all of this, if any. The police are thinking overdose, the family is poo-pooing on the overdose idea (but who’s family ever says to the press “Oh yeah. That was it! Totally overdose. My little darling loved her some nose-candy!”) and August Busch IV is still trying to figure out a way to distance himself from the whole thing. Turns out it’s a little harder to walk away from a dead body when the dead body is in your third, second floor atrium.

You’d think that all these stories would eventually put a damper on Busch’s dating, but you know what? When you’re pulling in $120,000 a month from InBev to do exactly dick, chicks tend to overlook little things like dead girlfriends or being the zenith of all rich kid who’s a douche stories.

via STLToday

Update: A relative of the deceased (and future fan club member) in the comments, tells us that the family learned today that the man in the accident was shot, which makes this whole thing make a lot more sense. Thats’s the STL we know!

Original article:

You don’t hear this much. Usually it’s all fender-benders, door dings or pre-teens car jacking old people, rather than fatal, single-car accidents going down in parking lots. Oh St. Louis, you always know just how to surprise us with a weekend fatality!

The accident happend around 6:50 a.m. on Sunday morning in the 1400 block of Hampton.  Authorities said 35-year-old Phillip Galczynski Jr. from Herculaneum, Missouri was driving his Chevy S-10 pick-up truck when he crashed into a retaining wall in the rear of a parking lot.

Jesus! Was he really cruising the parking lot that fast, or is this guy Humpty Dumpty?

The police have an “accident reconstruction” team on the scene working to figure out what happened, but claim it will take 12 to 16 weeks to get the final results. That’s way too long. If they aren’t done by the time we go get up to go pee and get a drink then we don’t care anymore. Blame CSI.

via KMOV

A 73-year old Charles Bartlett was struck and killed while standing in front of on-coming traffic on I-44 near St. James, MO.

The Missouri State Highway Patrol says Charles Bartlett of St. James was struck Monday night. The patrol says he was hit by a car as he stood in the eastbound passing lane near St. James, and died at the scene.

It wasn’t clear why Bartlett was in the driving lane of the interstate

So is this like a fad now or something? A woman also was killed yesterday crossing Kings Highway on foot.

We feel, for the general safety of the public, that maybe we should all just cross busy roads and highway at appropriate places and instead bring back slap bracelets.

via KMOV