Everyone has that crazy cousin right? Well not like these Kansas City folks who probably won’t be inviting their Kentucky cousin back to Kansas City for the holidays after he did some wild stuff. Now sure, this kinda thing might sound pretty reasonable for people in Kentucky, but ’round these parts (yes, even Kansas City), it’s pretty “weird” alright. By “weird’ we mean “molester-ish”. Oh, and by “molester-ish” we mean “seriously 100% messed up and totally molester-y”…seriously.

A 17-year-old Kentucky man is accused of running naked into a Kansas City home and climbing into bed with a 6-year-old girl.

KMBC  reports the 35-year-old homeowner awoke to the sound of his dogs barking around 2:15 a.m. Thursday and saw a naked man go into his daughter’s bedroom.

The homeowner ran upstairs to the girl’s bedroom, tackled the Shelbyville, Ky., teen and held him down until police arrived.

The tackle, though clearly clutch, was bittersweet however, as while the homeowner might have won the “stay out of my six year old daughter’s room” battle, he lost the “Crazy guy getting full body naked with someone in your house” war. Tackling a naked guy, no matter the reason, is still, when it’s all said and done, tackling a naked guy.

We’re guessing the crazy naked guy didn’t have a car, so he was on foot running down the street, popped in to a house (mark yesterday as the last day that family went to bed with the doors unlocked), and ran up stairs to find a bed to climb in to. Pretty weird behavior, and usually not something that just happens. Normally people “go crazy” and knock some stuff of your desk at work, not strip down and run down the street. How could anyone have not seen this guy losing it?

Two people approached police as they were taking the teen into custody and said they were looking for their cousin. The two said they had locked him in a basaement [sic] after he started acting strange around 2 a.m., but he got out.

Ok…we’d just love to hear the “he got out” part of the story, ahem, fleshed out a bit, but in the meantime two questions! The first one being a two-parter:

1. What the f*ck man?! You’re cousin goes nuts and you lock him in the basement?

No answer. We’re just going to assume this is how all mental illness is treated in Kansas City, and that there’s a serious “crazy basement” over-crowding situation in the spring because of all the spots that are filled with “This is the year for the Royals!” people.

2. Any idea how he went so crazy?

The teen, who was charged with second-degree burglary, admitted to police that he smoked marijuana.

Woah woah woah! You’re blaming pot for naked running and attempted touching of minors?! We don’t think so. Not that “weed” know [Editor's Note: *rimshot*], but pretty sure marijuana doesn’t generally have that kind of effect on people…unless you already like running naked through the streets trying to find 6 year old girls’ bedrooms, which in that case, you’d still want to do that while on pot, you’d just go a little slower and forget to take off your socks.

The photo isn’t relevant to the story because if it was it would be gross. We ended up going with the super hot Cheryl Cole, who does something special we’re sure, but we don’t know what. It’s gotta be something though, because it’s not like us printing out her picture and taping it to broom handles and the backs of other chick’s heads is a job worth of health benefits or a 401k.

via KSDK

You really can’t fault a man for executing a perfect plan. Drive up to a church, nearly hitting the building, hop out and run screaming in to the building knocking old people out of the way until the police arrive. Apart from forgetting to lick Jesus’ nipples on the crucifix statue, this plan went off without a hitch!

Officer Melissa Doss, a spokeswoman for St. Peters police, said the man arrested also pushed another person while inside the church, laid hands on a third person and verbally assaulted another.

The man was held down until police arrived, Doss said.

The sad thing is that if he would have just worked the phrase “God hates abortions!” in to his ramblings he would still be a free man as it would have been impossible to tell him from the rest of your average hard-core parishioners.

via STLToday

Subtitle: Dear guy: We know. It’s cool.

Sometimes people don’t like this site. It happens, and is expected. Whether it’s because we’ve made fun of them or they just don’t like our humor, its going to happen and that’s totally cool with us. No one is expected to like everything. For example, we don’t like Christian Rock. It’s horrible. That’s no sleight on anyone’s belief system mind you, just a preference, a preferences that drives us to not listen to Christian rock…it does not however make us want to write odd notes to the people that make Christian Rock. That would just be creepy and make us look like a retarded dick that has nothing better to do with this time.

…now guess where this is going.

Yup. We got a “crazy guy” note! No, not from him, this one is from a new guy. Allow us to translate the comment/tip as posted on “Classical Music Station 99.1 Finds Jesus“:

———

Here’s a tip for you….

This is the big setup…its not going to be a tip at all!

I just found your website.

I just found your website from a forwarded email that made me triple-click on the blue E to search Excite.com.

Get a life.

I disagree with you so of course you are the one that should get a life, not me sitting at home angrily typing this email to someone I don’t know that talked about a radio station switching to christian music and really said nothing inflammatory at all.

Are you on anti-psychotic medication? If not, you probably need to be.

See above.

I am not afraid to post my email address but it does concern me that you might publish it and I am a very successful businessman and don’t need any grief from a loser like you who has committed the one and only sin that the Holy Bible says will “keep you out of Heaven for eternity.”

My name is Lawrence Moran, but even though I’m totally in the “right”, I won’t stand behind it with my name. I lie about what I do all the time, so sure, what the hell, today I’m a successful businessman! (see here about how Larry here is a liar)

Editor’s Note: Larry, we went to Sunday school, and the “eternal sin” is committing suicide, which we have no plans to do…unless Megan Fox never does get back to us about our fan letter with that locket of hair we sent her.

The reason I am giving you this tip is because after reading your hate on a few subjects, it is apparent that you have serious emotional issues. You may or may not already be aware of this disturbance which is based in your brain.

This “Dummies Guide to Crazy Email Writing” book is paying off huge right now!

Again, I would love to publish my email address and name, however, you are not stable mentally and also choose not to publish your personal information so let’s just leave it at that.

My name is Lawrence Moran.

Please….take my free advice and shut this horrible mess down and change your life-direction. This is a horrible website. You are a sick person and this is a sick site.

…but I can’t stop reading it, thinking about it, or corresponding with it’s author.

Please shut it down and leave your seriously misguided opinions between you and your psychiatrist.

I have no idea how to turn my computer off.

If you don’t have one please find one. There are many wonderful practitioners in the metro area.

Dear Mr. President, there are too many states now a-days. Please eliminate three. Sincerely Grampa Simpson.

Please….shut this site down. For the peace of all on the local Internet.

The local internet is in unrest…only I can stop this…to my gmail account!

—–

Dear Larry,

Please chill out. We didn’t say anything bad about God, Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu or anyone else. We were just reporting that a station that was classical is now going christian rock. Seriously calm down…or don’t. Whatever. We just think it you might need to lower that blood pressure.

We understand if you don’t like the humor on this site. Maybe it’s not for you, just go somewhere else. No one is making you read it, and we’re going to have to gracefully pass on your offer for assistance with our afterlife reservations.

- Punching Kitty.com

Lets be clear. We don’t want to mislead anyone. This is the best “chick” fight we’ve seen in a while. “Chick” fights consists of 2+ attractive girls that probably really aren’t fighting as much as they are just wrestling to get people’s attention. They do this because it works. Chick Fights are awesome.

This video below (use headphones) is a “crazy bitch” fight.  One of the combatants is tall and lanky, the other is short and fat with pink hair that gets ripped off and both are really really pissed off. Also a gun is involved for a short time and then they go back to ripping each others shirts off, which would have been cool, had this been a “chick” fight.

Our favorites parts were the guy that tries to break up the fight like 3 times and each time just ends up walking away looking freaked out and the fact that this video had the most epic car on video since the General Lee. I dub thee Sargent Murphy Lee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00IbsvzgNnc

Anyone know where this place is in St. Louis? It looks like a place a mile east on Delmar from the loop, but I can’t tell. There are way too many weaves and boobs I don’t want to see in the way of the scenery.

Everyone thinks their home town is the craziest.  ”Oh man.  Crazy times back then. You think this place is crazy?! Dude. Nothing like my town.” Wouldn’t it be fun if someone ruined all those arguments by making up random data points and then ranking the cities accordingly?

The Daily Beast did just that.  We didn’t win.

St. Louis came in at #21 with 20 psychiatrists per capita, a stress score* of 23, a 34 on eccentricity*, a drinking rating* of 22 and the following comment:

Despite Missouri’s generally lenient open-container laws (read: there aren’t many), it is illegal on the curb of any city street to drink beer from a bucket.

Our cross-town retarded brother we don’t talk about but won’t leave us alone, Kansas City came in just after us at #23 overall.

A selection of other cities and their scores:

#5 Las Vegas

#17 Portland

#26 Chicago

#41 Detroit

#46 Atlanta

#57 Salt Lake City

* See their criteria here.

via The Daily Beast

Not sure if the sorta-thaw we had yesterday loosed up the frozen crazy, but in some crazy crap was going down in the Loop around lunch time.

First at the corner of Leland and Delmar we saw a 70+ year old woman land a punch on a van as it sped through the intersection.  I mean a punch too, nothing accidental.  A freaking punch.

Not more than an hour later, we saw a woman beat the living hell out of a “gentleman” over a video game.  After raining blows to the top of his head, ignoring his pleas to the contrary, she capped off the exhibition by hawking a little lung butter on the top of his head.

Now as if getting whooped by a girl on the street at noon wasn’t bad enough, he had to be watched from less than 2 feet away by a group of onlookers.  His only exclamation, repeated countless times, was simply “Hoes be trippin man!”

Indeed.