In what had to have been one of the most embarrassing police reports filed in at least the last few years, two St. Louis officiers detailed how they were conned, robbed and then duped again by a 25-year old woman named Tonia.

Tonia Rene Hart, 25, of the 5400 block of Blow Street, told police that her boyfriend had stolen her keys after an argument. The officers drove Hart to her boyfriend’s home, two blocks away, and left her in the cruiser while they went inside. They found no keys.

Police learned from Hart’s receipts that she had used a bank card belonging to one of the officers. It had been stolen, they determined, along with another bank card and $50, from the officer’s police bag while they were inside the boyfriend’s home investigating her call for help.

So then you shouldn’t leave strange women in your police cruiser then with all your valuables and guns laying around? Lets just be happy she only wanted the ATM card. Isn’t the second major usage of a police car to hold and transfer bad people? Why would you just leave your stuff laying around? We hope this cop mentions this story to someone that has had their car stolen downtown so that they can give him the old STLPD standard “Well you really shouldn’t have left your stuff on the seat.” speech as if that somehow makes it your fault some meth head smashed your window with a brick.

Oh, wait. Maybe the officer told Tonia she could take his debit card, bail out of the cruiser and  run to the gas station for a gas/cigs/lotto refill.

“I did not authorize the defendant to take my wallet and authorized no purchases,” the officer wrote in the probable cause statement.

Gotcha. We were wondering why you’d write a report on something you said was cool, so thanks for making that clear.

To give the cops a little slack, it is clear that Tonia is a criminal mastermind, as she managed to escape her capture, making the cops chase her a second time. She’s clearly well on her way to “Arch Villan” status now. She just needs to scrape a costume together and think of a more menacing name than “Tonia”. Something horribly vile and yet worthy of building an evil brand-awareness campaign behind, but understated enough to not be too over the top. May we suggest Ashlee, with an extra e’s instead of the “y”

via STLToday and the Tip Line

The “Antisec” movement of hackers have taken down some big-time websites recently. The Arizona Department of Public Safety, the government of Brazil, and british newspapers The Sun and The Times where they posted a fake story about fellow-hacking lover and news mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Last weekend though, they took down the Missouri Sheriffs Association. Not quite as glamourous as The Sun, but still pretty damaging. Not only is the Sheriffs Association’s site (mosheriffs.com) still down as of this writing, but the crackers also managed to penetrate their database posting the names, addresses, social security numbers and passwords of lots and lots of Missouri cops.

The only reason we know it was from Antisec was that they claimed responsibility afterward via their preferred mode of communication, pastebin (an web service where one can share blobs of text publicly online).

In retaliation to the unjust persecution of dozens of suspected Anonymous ”members”, we attacked over 70 US law enforcement institutions defacing their websites and destroying their servers. Additionally, we have stolen massive amounts of confidential documents and personal information including email spools, password dumps, classified documents, internal training files, informant lists, and more to be released very soon. We demand prosecuters [sic] immediately drop all charges and investigations against all “Anonymous” defendants.

They are referring to the recent actions taken against members of the Anonymous and LULZsec hacker groups because of their attacks on PayPal and other financial institutions for not backing the infamous WikiLeaks site.

They continued…

To law enforcement: your bogus trumped-up charges against the Anonymous paypal LOIC [Low Orbit Ion Cannon, which is a tool used to take down websites by flooding it with data] attacks will not stick, nor will your intimidation tactics stop us from exposing your corruption. While many of the recent “Anonymous” arrestees are completely innocent, there is no such thing as an innocent cop, and we will act accordingly.

The Missouri Sheriffs Association just stood there, listened to all that, and threw their arms in the air. “What the hell did we do man?! Geez, we barely know how to check our Hotmail and…wait a minute…is this all about that stuff my daughter keeps talking about? How she likes it when her friends sit on each other’s Facebook so they can get their Ning Twittered? That’s it! We’re unplugging the 12 year old Gateway computer!”

Nicely done Antisec. Sure their site was running an old laptop sitting on the floor of some fat guy’s apartment and the password was probably something like “nra4eva” or “ithinkthatblackfellermusthaveleftonhisown”, but still a blow was struck for the oppressed Anonymous hackers! Maybe the Missouri Sheriffs Association will think next time before they’re not involved in arresting people that did something they probably weren’t really aware of and end up with the password to their email accounts they never check get blasted all over the net!

[Editor's Note: Just kidding Antisec! We had to make a joke, but we love you guys and 4chan, so please don't do anything to us. Serious, seriously...seriously love you guys. Pay no mind to the local comedy website!]

via KOMU

Oh moms! They always go too far and end up embarrassing you, like the time that a Belleville mother came home drunk, yelled at her four kids and eventually started chasing them around the house with a knife. Oh and then when the cops came to get her she kicked one right in the balls.

Someone’s sure earning her “Best Mom Ever” sweatshirt this year!

This totally reminds us of our mom who used to be there when we got home, be totally sober, make us dinner and then tuck us in to bed….but no story. What is that crap?! She might as well have chased us with a knife and kicked a cop in the balls. Sure the knife would have had peanut butter on it because she was making us sandwiches for lunch the next day and then write us a little note in there so we’d see it later and know how loved we were, but still, pretty inexcusable. If we didn’t take out all of our aggression and sexual angst on sleeping homeless people, our therapy bills would be huge with that kind of abuse at home.

via KMOV

A high-speed chase started in the city, ended with a traffic accident in Webster Groves, and all started when a police officer thought he saw drugs in use in a car, reached in the window to get them and the suspect…rolled the window up on his arm!

Balls. Giant balls.

Police say it began around 3 p.m. at the intersection of Minerva and Union when an officer saw what he thought were drugs inside a vehicle. When he reached inside the car, the driver rolled up the window on the officer’s arm, then drove off dragging him down the street.

The officer freed himself and the driver kept going.

St. Louis’ transition from normal city to real-life Bad Boys sequel was nearly complete already, and now we have drug users dragging policemen by the arm down the street. The officer is being treated for injuries to his arm and torso, but we bet he’ll be good to go for the next scene, ready for revenge, except his all-too-stern captain is trying to take him off the case! “No way, this is my bust!” he’ll say, “If you won’t let me do my job, then here’s my badge.” So he strikes out on his own to find the guy that drug him down the street, and his boss who killed his old partner a few year ago just days before he was supposed to retire from the force. He’ll get his man, but not before blowing some stuff up and losing his shirt just before a final confrontation that ends with him knocking the guy out just as the other cops arrive…wait no! He’s awake and has a gun! Oh good, you shot him just in time. “You crazy son of a bitch. Take your badge back before this is considered murder!” “Ha ha ha ha!”…jump in the air freeze frame!

Throw in a big heroin heist and Tea Leoni and I think we’ve got something here. Hell, shave his head and Martin Lawrence could even play St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom!

via KSDK

Correction: In the post “Former St. Louis Cop Makes His Entry to the Horrible St. Louis Music Video Contest” we mislabeled our rappin’ ex-cop as a “hero”. Wrong! To quote our previous piece (emphasis added):

The latest entry in to the “That’s pretty bad, but I can make a worse St. Louis rap video” contest that seemingly sprung up out of nowhere is from “Tak”, a former cop that bravely took a bullet, quit being a cop…and then started a rap career.

We guessed that if a cop is “retired” because of being shot, he’s more than likely a hero. That’s still your best bet, but you would be wrong in this case. Here’s now the story goes of “Tak’s” fateful night…

On Nov. 9, 2008, [Former officer  Bryan Pour], then 26, was involved in a dispute outside of Mac and Mick’s bar and grill on Nameoki Road. Prosecutors have said that Jeffry Bladdick, 25, was attempting to defuse the situation when Pour, who authorities said was intoxicated, shot him in the chest with his department-issued pistol.

But where is Tak in all of this? (He asked as if he already knew the answer)…again, emphasis mine:

Pontoon Beach police responded and told people to drop their weapons. Another off-duty St. Louis police officer, 23-year-old Christopher Hantak, was intoxicated and did not comply, then was shot by a Pontoon Beach officer.

…and there you go! Heroism? Not quite.

Maybe this event will work for Tak like it did 50 cent?! Getting popped by the cops is getting popped by the cops yo! …or it just makes his rapping that much more lame. You decide! …no, wait, don’t decide. It’s lame. There, all done.

Thanks to our commenter CriagDanger for setting us straight!

via bnd.com

Leon Pullen, a 32 year old Uplands Park police officer invented something amazing! ”I’m a cop right? Well maybe I can tell people to give me stuff in exchange for not arresting them! How has no one thought about this before?!”

Officer Pullen isn’t all that bright.

[Pullen] scoured online advertisements posted by the escorts, then pretended to be a customer, according to court documents and testimony at his plea hearing in federal court here. Three attacks occurred in the northwest St. Louis County village of under 500 people, one at a St. Louis hotel.

Once with the escorts, Pullen would identify himself as an officer, then demand money, sex or both by threatening arrest or the implicit threat of violence, Assistant U.S. Attorney Howard Marcus said in court.

Pullen has also “copped” to robbing and raping women three other times and also admitted that he thought he was in the clear because no one is going to believe hookers.

…ok, maybe he’s not totally stupid.

Only three other assaults seems low though since when Pullen was arrested he had 11 other online hooker ads printed out with him.

Our bet? We wouldn’t touch his night stick with out a good swabbing first, and this guy’s forced himself inside more times than Santa Claus.

*Balloons fall from the ceiling!*

“Congratulations to Punching Kitty for making the first rape joke with a Santa Claus reference!”

Wow. I don’t know what to say. We’re honored! We’d like to thank society for making us this way, and of course thanks to all Officer Pullen for making this all happen. Seriously, this is such a great honor.  We’re glad we could win a award about rape without actually having to buy all that duct tape.

via That Non-Attributing Site That I Shouldn’t Be Linking to But We’re Better Than That