The jovial fellow above is on Gabriel Williams, who has been charged with multiple burglary, robbery, kidnapping and weapons charges after a New Years Eve crime spree that involved kidnapping a Clayton couple and driving them to the nearby Schnucks to they could cash a check for him.

According to police, two suspects approached a man Saturday as he did yard work at his home in the 50 block of Arundel, in Clayton’s Demun neighborhood. The suspects, both armed, demanded money.

One of them remained at the house with the female resident, while the other ordered the man to escort him to the Richmond Heights Schnucks to get cash. While at Schnucks, the man alerted a security guard, who contacted Clayton and Richmond Heights police.

After leaving the scene of the Clayton crime, Williams jacked some dude in the street and was arrested soon after. …and you thought that your $5o all-you-can-drink deal at the bowling alley sounded like “The craziest New Years Eve ever!”, but you were wrong.

Williams bond is currently set at $200,000, but how do you not let a fellow this happy be on his way with a warning? Clearly the man loves what he does and isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Can’t we just be happy that young Gabriel has found a calling that he truly loves, and let these kidnapping charges slide? …aw, wait. What if there is a guy in the State Prison system that really loves raping new guys? Seems like we really shouldn’t deprive that guy of going to town on some little asshole who thinks kidnapping people is cool, so we’ll just let the system play out and see where this goes.

Plus, we really haven’t been happy since ABC stopped doing TGIF so f*ck both of these guys…even if they are totally going to be “Perfect Strangers”. Ha! Get it? A TGIF prison rape joke?! …because the one guys going to rape the other guy after he goes to prison for the Clayton kidnapping! No? Shut up, you suck.

via STLToday

Remember yesterday when everyone, including us, was in a tizzy over a guy who, according to authorities, tricked a front desk clerk into giving him a key to a little girl’s room and then kicked the chain off the door all to molest the girl and her friends? Ah, well, Daniel T. Hughes may not be the sinister girl groper that the initial report led everyone to believe.

He is, however, a total drunk ass.

Clayton Police Chief Tom Byrne said that Daniel T. Hughes, an Enterprise Rent-A-Car employee from the Philadelphia area, returned to the hotel “highly intoxicated” about 4 a.m. Sunday.

“He went up to the room number where he had been staying for a few nights before that at the Sheraton,” Byrne said.

Hughes told a front desk clerk that his key did not work. The clerk issued him another key for the room number he provided without checking to make sure that was the right room, Byrne said. The encounter occurred on the same floor where Hughes had stayed at the Sheraton hotel the previous three or four nights.

“He really had it all screwed up on what his room number was,” Byrne said.

We figured there had to be more to this story than the initial report, who’s story points seemed right out of a Lifetime Movie. How did this random guy from Philadelphia know the girl was in that room? Did he not think he was going to get caught? What sense does it make that he went from no prior history of issues to breaking down a door to cop a feel? Turns out all the answers to those questions is: “Drunk!” The story now seems to go that Hughes got ultra shitfaced, and stumbled to the hotel room he was sharing with his co-worker. He had previously been staying in room number whatever, and when he got to the Ritz, he went straight to that room, forgetting that which room he had moved to. The key wouldn’t work of course, so he went to get a new one. The front desk guy gave Mr. Drunkass a new key, which worked, but then there was only the chain between his chance to sleep this off, so he kicked the door in. …what happened when he got inside though? Did he scandalously grope the girls as the first report insinuated?  Um…no, it doesn’t sound like it in this report.

He entered a bedroom occupied by the 9-year-old girl and two 14-year-old girls — her sister and a friend. The two older girls slept through the incident, Byrne said. The girl’s mother heard a noise as Hughes entered but thought the noise was coming from the hallway.

The girl eventually alerted her parents, who were staying in a separate bedroom, that there was a man in her bed, Byrne said. The parents chased Hughes — who was wearing only underwear — from the room and called 911 from the phone in the hotel room.

Keep us honest, but it sure sounds like a drunken Hughes stumbled in, stripped down to sleep wear and passed out. No molestation. Hell, two of the girls slept through the whole thing! …usually not a complement when dealing with older, more willing ladies, but in this case, seems to help Hughes.

Currently Hughes is being charged with three counts of child molestation and one count of sodomy. How any of that went down seems pretty impossible after the updated report, and hopefully, pending final details, those charges should be dropped and replaced with public drunkenness and…we don’t know…something else that doesn’t mean he will have to tell his neighbors about when he gets back home or after any future moves. The second report sure sounded like the Clayton police were trying to put a damper on yesterday’s “Holy crap we caught a bad ass molester!” fervor.

“No matter what happens, it’s going to ruin him,” [Hughes' coworker] said.

Agreed. If the Clayton police have their story right this time, it sounds like this is a horrible story that should be something Hughes never lives down, not something that unfairly brands him with the scarlet letter of a sex offender. The only thing worse than that is being the guy that says “You know, I really liked 2 and a Half Men while watching Charlie Sheen’s live stream.” That show was god awful. You’re never going to live that down.

Tune in next week with the Clayton Police announce they caught Osama Bin Laden only to release a report the next day that there was a slight mix up and it will be a long time before the Clayton Police will ever get gyros for lunch unsupervised again.

via STLToday

A guy robs a Clayton bank by slipping the teller a note and grabbing a sack of money (I’m assuming it was one of those with a dollar sign on it).  He then proceeds to walk across the street, in broad daylight, with tons of witnesses.  He was followed by the cops and was arrested on the first floor of the hospital with little trouble.

What?

From STLToday:

The 39-year-old St. Louis man presented a note to the bank teller demanding money about 12:05 p.m. today. He did not display a weapon and no one was hurt during the robbery, Clayton police said.

Bank employees watched the man walk across the street toward the hospital complex, and Clayton and Richmond Heights police officers responded to the area.

A Richmond Heights officer arrested the man in a first-floor hospital corridor without incident. He had the stolen money with him.

Told ya!

Clearly the obvious joke here is something about the cost of health care, but that’s lame.

Feel free to pick one of the following punch lines. It’ll be like a Choose Your Own Adventure book!

1.  The hospital was out of toilet paper.

2. You wouldn’t believe how expensive a Mr Goodbar is in the Clayon vending machines.

3. I don’t blame him, its murder to remember where you parked over there.

4. The Space Vampire got you.  You are dead.

Tuesday night, while everyone was watching the National League lose for the 13th year in a row, Clayton’s government was at work banning smoking in all public places.

…kinda.  You can smoke inside, if you operate a cigar bar or tobacco shop, or are in one of the 20% of hotel rooms that can still allow it, and of course patios.

…or actually its still cool if you are in any currently established public place until July, 1st 2010.

But other than that, smoke free!

“This is a historic moment for the city of Clayton,” Mayor Linda Goldstein said.

Clayton joins Ballwin as the only municipalities of the 91 in St. Louis County to have a ban. Arnold in Jefferson County also prohibits smoking in public places. Illinois has a statewide ban.

The pressure is now on the surrounding areas to add smoking bans as well, like University City.  Pfffft.  You know since there really aren’t any skinny jeans-wearing, chain smoking hipsters that hang out in University City every weekend.  Shouldn’t be an issue there.

Source: STLToday.com

Photo Source: Look At This F*cking Hipster