A little over a month ago, Mayor Francis Slay announced his yearly call for submissions to design the St. Louis Holiday Card, or at least A Holliday Card…and while they have to say “holiday” for the diversity blah blah blah of the city, if you were thinking about drawing a Kwanza card you can just stop right now. We all know that’s just not gonna happen.

The top 10 winners get their cards hung up in City Hall so that grumpy people waiting in some god forsaken line to pay some fee they’d only recently heard of will see them and a begin to mentally pick out the inaccuracies in them, forgetting entirely that a child made it.

Here’s this year’s winner by fourth grader Tatyanna Jackson:

It’s a pretty good little drawing, with some quality work on the squirrel and baseball-man. However, that right side of the arch isn’t going to hold much weight for too long, and Fred Bird’s not going to go far trying to fly by kicking his little bird feet. Where the really art lies in this photo is what’s not there. No Pujols for one. They’re clearly in front of the arch, but no one’s been shot or stabbed, so did they move the Arch? Why aren’t there any snow flakes in front of or on the Arch itself? Does this card imply the artist shares the belief that the Arch controls the weather? Yes to probably all that stuff. Meaning they submitted a card with a scene where a cardinal and a baseball snowman excitedly compare their balls in front of  an Arch that’s probably been moved to an undisclosed location, and emitting a low-range weather changing signal while a squirrel stands guard with a baseball bat.

This card is crazy messed up. There’s no way this card could have beat anything unless the runner up was a crayon drawing of a heroin addict breaking in to our car and taking the Hootie and the Blowfish CD I keep on the dashboard.

Here’s our submission that apparently didn’t make the cut:

What you’ve got here is a recently escaped felon holding up a guy with a knife while it snows just before the holiday tornado comes to take out have the state leaving nothing but little pieces of Joplin and candy canes in it’s wake. …and they’re in front of the Arch because you gotta but the Arch in these things to have any chance at winning. Oh, and it’s snowing. Happy Holidays!

Update: We’ve found some interesting new information with the other character she plays while not being the Sugar Plum Fairy. Her other character is considerably more naked, which is awesome.

Original post follows…

We learned two new things today: St. Charles has an annual Christmas pageant, and the Sugar Plum Fairy has a dirty dirty mouth…and it’s not from that yellow snow she accidentally ate over by the reindeer barn.

Laura Coppinger worked with Christmas Traditions for six years, and spent five of them as the Sugar Plum Fairy. She says she even spent some of her own money to make improvements to the wings on her costume.

“I made her larger than life,” Coppinger said of her Sugar Plum Fairy character. “And each year she kinda got bigger and bigger.”

But this year, Coppinger won’t get a chance to spread Christmas cheer.

The Sugar Plum Fairy has been let go, after cursing during a drug test for the job.

The drug test is mandatory for all city employees, but the rules about cussing aren’t. After she accidentally flushed the toilet causing her to have to do the test over again, she cussed, it got reported, and boom she was fired. The grounds of her release are rooted in her violation of the “Christmas Traditions Code of Conduct”, which states that “Christmas characters don’t know naughty words.” …you’ve got to be f*cking kidding.

1. She wasn’t even working when it happened.

2. Santa knows how to talk some shit. You think you can dodge reindeer turds and trip over elves all this time and not drop an f-bomb or two?

3. Who the hell rats out a lady that plays the Sugar Plum Fairy once a year who cusses to herself at a drug test? Wow. Sounds like the Sugar Plum Fairy needs to cut a bitch up.

While the St. Charles’ local government waits for the press and public pressure to build enough to lower their stock to “tone def-con 3″, there as been a Facebook page created and a food drive started to help raise Sugar Plum Fairy awareness of this situation. Apparently this fairy needs more than happy thoughts about you to believing in her to survive. She also needs those cans of cream corn you won’t eat.

Oh and St. Charles? No one knew who this chick was 2 weeks ago, and now with your dumb-ass rules, you’ve created the most powerful Sugar Plum Fairy this world has ever seen. You created a powerful enemy!

Laura Coppinger, the actress who portrays the popular festival character, was not in costume, but she was recognizable to the dozens who stopped by to shake her hand or snap a photo with her.

As Coppinger stood on the brick sidewalk, one young fan riding by in an SUV seemed to sum up the thoughts of many.

The little girl rolled down her window and yelled: “I love you Sugar Plum Fairy.”

Coppinger responded…

“Leave me along you little bitch! I’m not on the clock so I’m not your fucking Sugar Plum Fairy. Now keep fucking driving before I shove my foot up your ugly mom’s sniz so she can’t make any more of you!”

“Awww. I love you too.”

…oh, or that. We’re assuming the at least she thought that other stuff though, because if you cuss at a random surprising event that created a sudden urge of anger with an associated reflexive response, even if it was pointed at  yourself, causing you to expel air making tones that society has deemed as more offensive than other tones, then you are clearly a sick human being that has no reason to be anywhere near children. Thank god that others care enough to never cuss, like Coach Jerry Sandusky of Penn State, shown here helping a youngster get in the right position for the pounding he’s about to take.

via USAToday & STLToday

Yeah yeah yeah, another day, another St. Louis violent crime, but buckle in because this one’s weird for even St. Louis.

It all started, as all things do these days, on Facebook, where a mix up about an underage party location lead to “a few hundred” teenagers showing up at the front of club Pulse. Pulse, a classy place in a strip mall next to a swap meet, isn’t where an underage Christmas party was planned, but the kids show up in droves anyway.

The man who answered the phone at the Pulse said a few hundred teenagers had lined up at the nightclub after someone on Facebook said a teen Christmas party event would be held there rather than at a club named da Wherehouse, on Goodfellow Boulevard.

The Pulse had scheduled a private Christmas party for 10 p.m., its usual opening time, and security was not in place when the teenagers started arriving about 8 p.m., the manager said. An employee for the Pulse arrived about 9 p.m. and found the teenagers, the man said.

First off kids, 8pm is way the hell too early. In our day, we didn’t go out to underage Christmas parties located next to swap meets until TGIF was over, and at 8pm Urkle was just starting to get his stalk-on all over Laura Wilsow, so it sure the hell isn’t time to go out.

Anyway, so these kids, hundreds of them mind you, all all stacked up in front of a club that is won’t let them in and isn’t letting anyone in at the moment. Finally some employees show up to explain the matter and just about that time it got all St. Louis-y up in herrrr:

A crowd of teenagers that had been turned away from the Pulse at 8370 North Broadway was in the parking lot about 10:20 p.m. Saturday when people in two cars drove into the lot and started firing.

Both cars sped away, police said. Witnesses described one car as red with tinted windows and the other as a silver four-door.

I know what you are thinking: Shooting up a Christmas party? …North St. Louis Jewish gang. Not so apparently, just a run of the mill St. Louis drive-by.

Ranisha Cole, 17, was pronounced dead Saturday at a local hospital after she was shot in the head and abdomen.

A 16-year-old boy was in critical condition Sunday from a shot to the neck and is believed to be paralyzed, police said.

Seven other teenagers, six boys and two girls ages 14-18, were wounded in the gunfire while standing in the club’s parking lot, police said. They were treated for various gunshot wounds to their arms and legs and then released, police said.

Cole was actually in one of the attacking cars, and at this time no one knows if the two cars were shooting for the crowd, or the opposing car. We’re kinda hoping that they were at least aiming for the club’s sign because if we hear one more club named “Pulse”, “Beat”, “Vibe” or “Ecstasy” we’re going to throw our glow sticks and puke up our Apple Pucker all over your iPod-powered turntables and slivery silk club shirt you think makes you look cool but it’s probably more the fact that  you go to underage clubs and buy 16-year-old’s a sixer of Smirnoff Ice. Sure you could get a job, but no one folds your shirts like mom, and plus this DJ thing is really going to take off soon.

Where were we? Oh yeah: Never ever go to North St. Louis. You’d be safer playing anyone not named Antonio Banderas in Desperado.

[Editor's Note: "What? I don't get it!" You suck. Go watch "Desperado" for the following reasons: 1. Everyone gets shot. 2. Selma Hayek's boobs.]

via STLToday

We’ll be back next week after taking a couple of days off for Christmas.

It’s a long time until Monday, and since you’re probably going to be lost without our guidance, here’s a few little tips to get you through the holiday:

5. Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all time. Shut up about It’s a Wonderful Life or Elf.

4. It’s on the record now, even the Mayor’s office isn’t safe:

3. Remember ladies, the Sexy Mrs. Claus outfit is always a great move this weekend, unless, of course you’re a large lady, in which case the Mrs. Claus outfit makes you look like a North Pole tranny. If you’re big just forget we said anything…oh look over there! Cookies!

2. Reminder: Even a candy cane can be licked down to a point and shoved in to your chest while they take your car. We would recommend just staying away from the Galleria completely to be on the safe side.

1. For us, don’t make your cat wear stupid stuff.

As we all know it’s a rough time out there for everyone, but the economy is hitting the crack heads the hardest. Find out what one Belleville woman sold to get herself a little taste right after the weather!

It’s cold, rainy and totally sucks.

Cool, one Belleville woman is behind bars tonight after selling her children’s Christmas gifts to purchase crack.

Sheriff’s Capt. Steven Johnson said Bauers, the mother of two young sons, stole about $1,000 worth of toys and gifts that the children’s grandmother bought last week. [Sandra J. Bauers] then sold the gifts to buy crack, he said.

To be fair, your kids will be your kids for like forever, but crack is a right now, “I totally need it to kill the bugs crawling under my skin.” kinda thing.

It gets worse though…

[The children's grandmother, Pamela Gyon] said her husband is fighting cancer and is on disability. He received his monthly disability check last week and Gyon went shopping for the grandkids. Gyon bought about $1,000 in presents for the children, intending to let Bauers give some of them to her two sons as if she had purchased them.

On Thursday night, after the shopping spree, Bauers slept over at the grandmother’s home in the 100 block of Pecan Lane, in unincorporated St. Clair County. They kept the presents in the grandmother’s vehicle so the kids wouldn’t see them, Johnson said.

The next morning, the 4-year-old boy woke up, looking for his mother. Bauers was gone — and so was the grandmother’s car full of gifts.

Holy crap. Wait wait wait…it gets worse…er…

“Sandra is driving, and in her right hand is a crack pipe,” Johnson said. “She admits she sold all of the presents. She sold some of the stuff to a crack house. She sold some at a pawn shop/liquor store at 15th and Missouri in East St. Louis. She sold some on the street.”

The gifts included children’s toys, figurines, clothing, blankets, DVDs.

“We had Nerf machine guns, the big ones. Lots of t-shirts and jeans and socks and underwear. Pillow pets,” said the grandmother, Gyon.

Nice plug for Pillow Pets, but…yeah…there’s more…

The gifts were not only for Bauers’ two children, they were for all of the grandmother’s five grandchildren and one great-niece.

…and more…

And what kind of Christmas will the grandkids have now?

“None,” the grandmother says flatly. “We’re on disability and we don’t get paid again until January.”

Anyone else imagining this lady Grinch-style with the way over-stuffed bag of toys staring down a little sad Whovillian?

While sitting in jail late last night, crackhead Sandra J. Bauers thought about all the Christmases she’d ruined and as she thought about it her heart grew ten times it’s size that night…and then she died…crack abuse can give you Cardiomegaly, so she’s dead. Real human hearts don’t just grow like that because of love, you dumbass, and secondly how the hell can something grow big enough to break the xray scope?! Makes no sense at all. In fact, we’re starting to think this Dr. Seuss isn’t really all that much of a doctor after all!

(She’s not really dead. She’s still alive and horrible and all about the crack, but that’s not as funny as sticking to the Grinch theme.)

via STLToday and every child’s nightmares

We missed this before Christmas, but Mayor Slay sent us all a special Christmas message…through the words of Dr. Seuss:

Don’t think we don’t appreciate the sentiment Mr. Mayor.  We do!  …but what the hell did you record this with?  A 7 year old cell-phone?