Tonight, 52 lovely contestants will be competing for the crown of “Miss America 2009″ and I, for one, cannot wait. The event is broadcast live and I admit it – I don’t watch for the beautiful dresses or the always eloquent Q&A period. No, every year, I find myself holding my breath, half-hoping that one of the girls will fall flat on her face, a la Rachael Smith at the 2007 Miss Universe Pageant. Or in the grand tradition of Chrystle Stewart, who did the exact same thing in 2008. (This is the best we can do for the good old US of A? I’m so proud!) For those that missed it, I have included a clip of the horror below:

Those are some treacherous heels, ladies. Perhaps Miss USA will err on the side of caution and wear tennis shoes this year?

Another of my favorite pageant moments? The awarding of the crown. These women, beautiful though they may be, always manage to look like stroke victims with Tourette’s when their name is announced. You want proof? I did some digging and found the crowning moments from the past 5 “Miss Missouri” pageant winners to back up my claim.

Here’s Miss Missouri 2004, Whitney Weeks:

2005 winner, Stacie Cooley:

The 2006 winner, Sarah French:

And Miss Missouri 2007, Lindsay Casmaer:

Here’s 2008 winner, Lacey Fitzgerald, who will be representing the state of Missouri this evening:

I am so proud to call these girls my own. They can open their mouths wider than anyone I have ever seen. This bodes well for their boyfriends. I think they should introduce these skills in the talent portion of the pageant. “Look everyone, here’s my impression of a viper!”

I have to ask – why do these women always look so surprised? All rumors of rigging aside, you know they have to imagine that they will win – otherwise, why compete? I can only imagine that they think these displays of false humility make them more approachable and attractive to their audiences. Really, they just give me a really good giggle… but either way, I will be watching for them tonight!

Long live Miss Missouri!

“Ugly Friend” (noun):

the friend of the hot girl who is never chosen first. She is always left alone and is very angry about it. When given the choice between the 2 the guys always chose the prettier friend and leave the ugly big nosed one out of the cold.   

You literally have to beg guys to touch the girl to give her a pity screw. 

Example: Sara is a real ugly friend.

As found on stlouis.Craiglist.org [ Direct Link ]:

What’s the worst thing ever? A FAT FEMALE BOSS

These bitches see a hot young girl like myself walk into their office and suddenly they can’t remember how to conduct a civil interview.
The first fat bitch comes in with a food stain on her shirt. Totally unprofessional. She didn’t give a shit about the interview so I didnt either. The next one (her boss) also old, fat and nasty – i might as well have walked out of the room before the thing even started. I hope you big, fat, cowardly wastes of space on this earth get diabetes from your heaviness and cancer from your cigarettes. you both reaked of them!!
Nothing worse people than a bunch of fat nasty jealous women.

The following thoughts occurred to me in (this order) after reading this rant:

1. Awesome.
2. Damn I wish this chick would have included some sort of photo…
3. I love that she wished diabetes on them.  You don’t hear much of that these days.
4. I’m thinking soup for dinner.

What the hell was going on at F15teen this weekend?  STLDrunks.com has the photos above and plenty more, but I have no idea what the deal was.  At the surface, it seems like a regular bikini content, but some of these picture lead me to believe otherwise…

Was anyone there?