While trying to hunt down a stolen car last Friday, Lincoln County cops stumbled upon a car jacking savant out in Winfield, Missouri. Joseph Walker the 3rd is only 19, but he’s managed to display his skills in a way very unbecoming of someone who is “the 3rd” of anything.

The Lincoln County Sheriff’s Office Patrol Division had been attempting to locate an older model Black GMC Sonoma. The driver of the Sonoma was observed on surveillance camera several days earlier, both at Jack in the Box and Fast Lane in Troy, making purchases with a stolen credit card from one of the vehicles.

On Friday afternoon Lincoln County Deputy Deputies spotted the vehicle on Ridge Road and made contact with the driver, Walker and two other passengers. The contact led to the arrest of Walker.

Walker confessed to breaking in to over 160 vehicles over the span of one month.

160 cars in a month or just over 5 per day! That’s insane. We had no idea there were that many cars in Winfield.

Despite the fact that this all went down in Winfield, Missouri, some 50 miles away, the Mayor’s office couldn’t let this PR stand by, releasing a statement saying to the effect: “Got him! Well done Lincoln County Sheriffs Department, bringing down Joseph Walker the 3rd and ending his crime spree. Clearly this little bastard was also the doing all the car jackings in St. Louis too, so yeah! Who’s to say he wasn’t? Got him! We should be good now with the car stuff. Now the city will turn it’s full attention to the one guy that’s killing everyone and once we get him, things should be pretty kick ass around here. Slay 2013!”

One last note about Walker:

Walker stated he worked alone and implicated no other suspects.

So he’s covering for friends, or the kid is really really good at stealing from cars. We are no fans of getting our car robed, but, in a weird way…respect. Enjoy jail.

via KMOV

After having over 20 cars broken in to downtown, the St. Louis Police finally made a breakthrough over the weekend when they arrested two suspects in connection with the break-ins…and by “connection”, we mean that they totally did it.

Suspect Calvin Willis, 25, was ordered held on $75,000 bond after being charged with second degree assault, first degree tampering and resisting arrest.

Alright! Yeah! Maybe next time you’ll think twice before doing something hurtful like trying to steal our Paula Cole CD off our passenger seat! Where have all the cowboys gone?! Calvin stole them, that’s where, but now he’s in jail.

Of course we’re assuming the other guy received the same bond, because otherwise this would look pretty silly just letting this guy go.

Suspect Michael Paynes was released with no bond after being charged with the lesser charges of second degree tampering and resisting arrest.

*face palm*

Probably a first time offender though…right?

Still, Payne’s offenses constituted a parole violation. He was prosecuted as an adult at age 16 for allegedly shooting at an off-duty police officer, after trying to break into that officer’s car in May of 2004 in north St. Louis.

Paynes received a 9-year prison sentence and was released early January 21, 2011.

Son. of. a. bitch.

“Every time we hear one of these stories, how police solved the case and someone got an easy sentence or a low bond, it’s very, very, frustrating,” said Jeff Rainford, Chief of Staff for St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay.

Rainford adds, “St. Louis has plenty of police officers.  St. Louis makes plenty of arrests, and yet none of us are satisfied with the outcome.  There’s something wrong.  We recognize that, if this was a break-down in the system, we would certainly hope that the courts rectify it, fix it, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

How the hell can a judge look at a case, any case, and not have the suspect’s criminal history? Did the judge not think it was a little weird that he had no history for this guy? We’re not talking about a blank sheet of paper, because pretty much anything would say this dick was in prison for 9 years, we’re talking about nothing. He had nothing in front of him and he decided the best course of action was “You’re free to go sir! I hear there’s a ballgame tonight, and I’ve got an extra ticket! Interested? …no? You’d rather just hang out, outside by the parking lot? Weird, but I’ll allow it!” Another running theory is that maybe the judge thought Paynes had an honest face, but that’s him up there with the creepy eyes staring in to your soul, so maybe not so much.

Mistakes were made, but is anyone planning on picking this guy up and making sure he ends up in jail like he should be?

State authorities issued a warrant for Payne’s arrest Tuesday for violating his parole.  He remains at large.

Great. When we finally find this guy in the parking lot during the next homestand, can we pin one of those Monopoly “Go to jail” cards to his shirt this time? Apparently, one can’t be too careful with the St. Louis courts system.

via Fox2

Friday night, 62 cars were broken into downtown, most of them just south of Busch Stadium. It’s time like these when we wish the police would tell us everything’s going to be ok and that not to worry, they’ve got things under control. We don’t live in a town where you can’t even go to a ballgame without thinking about what inning you should leave to go get your car rather than thinking about what inning you have to leave before your deluxe nachos make a reappearance south of the border, do we?

Of course we do.

Police Captain Mike Caruso tells KMOX it’s time for parking lot owners to watch their lots even after they’ve taken a driver’s money.

And, if you’re not parking on a lot, Captain Caruso recommends leaving nothing in sight inside a car, locking the car, parking in lighted areas and never hesitating to call 9-1-1 when someone suspicious is loitering near a car.

“it’s time for parking lot owners to watching their lots”? When the hell was it not their time to do that? Sure no one has any assumption of security on those lots where you have to fold up your five dollars (or…ahem…your two dollars folded over a bunch of times because how would they know?!) and put it in the corresponding parking space slot, but the lots for $10 and up with the attendant in the little booth? Those should give you peace of mind…but they don’t.

Police are stepping up patrols.  One undercover car theft unit operating Saturday night made its first arrest shortly before 5.pm.

Hey alright! Got one! Why didn’t anyone tell the police that people steal cars downtown? If they would have known, they would have started trying harder earlier! Like how when we finally found out that girls rarely look up when using a public restroom we had already gotten too big for the air vent…we could still fit in there, but we couldn’t really move our arms so that kinda defeats the purpose.

via KMOX

Details are slim as of this writing, but just after 9 pm a car crashed in to the Hoosters in downtown St. Louis starting a fire. Somehow no one was injured and the people in car have been arrested. No suprise there. Smashing something that hard in to Hooters ususal does end up getting you arrested…at the very least slapped.

That’s gotta be the first time anything “flaming” crashed a party at Hooters!

We hear the car was initially headed down south, but got distracted by the Hooters and ended up just busting it right there. Damn shame. We hear that can happen to guys occasionally.

The only way this accident could be more funny is if somehow a motorboat crashed through the Hooters instead.

via KSDK

A high-speed chase started in the city, ended with a traffic accident in Webster Groves, and all started when a police officer thought he saw drugs in use in a car, reached in the window to get them and the suspect…rolled the window up on his arm!

Balls. Giant balls.

Police say it began around 3 p.m. at the intersection of Minerva and Union when an officer saw what he thought were drugs inside a vehicle. When he reached inside the car, the driver rolled up the window on the officer’s arm, then drove off dragging him down the street.

The officer freed himself and the driver kept going.

St. Louis’ transition from normal city to real-life Bad Boys sequel was nearly complete already, and now we have drug users dragging policemen by the arm down the street. The officer is being treated for injuries to his arm and torso, but we bet he’ll be good to go for the next scene, ready for revenge, except his all-too-stern captain is trying to take him off the case! “No way, this is my bust!” he’ll say, “If you won’t let me do my job, then here’s my badge.” So he strikes out on his own to find the guy that drug him down the street, and his boss who killed his old partner a few year ago just days before he was supposed to retire from the force. He’ll get his man, but not before blowing some stuff up and losing his shirt just before a final confrontation that ends with him knocking the guy out just as the other cops arrive…wait no! He’s awake and has a gun! Oh good, you shot him just in time. “You crazy son of a bitch. Take your badge back before this is considered murder!” “Ha ha ha ha!”…jump in the air freeze frame!

Throw in a big heroin heist and Tea Leoni and I think we’ve got something here. Hell, shave his head and Martin Lawrence could even play St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom!

via KSDK

‘Twas a cold St. Louis night, when all through this dude’s house not a creature was stirring, not even the homeless guy living in his garage. When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, dude sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. What’s this? Two guys stealing my brother’s car? He tore open the shutters and grabbed his gun! …and promptly walked on his porch, tripped and shot himself in the leg. The two car thieves grabbed some stuff and took off.

Might be time to invest in a “Welcome,” or rather a “Stop Our I’ll Shoot” mat out on the porch.

At about 4:40 a.m., the man was at home in the 4600 block of Vernon Avenue when he heard noises outside. He looked out and saw three men inside a family member’s car, which was parked on the street.

The man grabbed his gun and walked outside. But he slipped on the porch, and the gun went off.

The man, 51, shot himself in the leg. Police did not provide a condition but said he was stable.

This whole story is pretty much a metaphor for St. Louis. Seeing crime, wanting to stop that crime, but you end up just hurting yourself.

Meanwhile in North St. Louis two car jackers took the time out of their car window smashing gig to do the neighborly thing and just go in and shoot the home owner while he was still in bed. It’s just rude to make a guy have to get up and shoot himself in the middle fo the night.

via STLToday