Former Cardinal and perma-injured starting pitcher Brad Penny has been 20 times more interesting this off-season that he was in his official time as a Cardinal. To review, Penny signed with the Cardinals and pitched nine games all season. He hit a grad slam in that ninth game and never came back. Brillant! It’s a theatre technique called a “black out”. Look it up.  Since the season’s conclusion, Penny has filled his time by whining on Twitter and getting dumped on by everyone.

Last week, Penny signed with Detroit Tigers, apparently they had a spot open on the trainer’s table, and in his press conference had this to say about his health while with the Cardinals:

Penny made only nine starts with St. Louis a season ago before being sidelined with a back injury, but the right-hander says he was preparing to return before the Cardinals fell short of the postseason.

“I was throwing at the end of the year in case we made the playoffs,” he said on a conference call with reporters recently.

Sure you were buddy. Totally believe that.

“Dudes I’m back! I can totally pitch again! Arm feels great! Oh man I can’t wait to get out there and…what’s going on guys? Oh. The season’s over. Darn I was so ready to get out there and help the team too! Oh well. …Guess I’ll just grab these sacks here with the green dollar signs on them and be hitting that ole dusty trail…Really great meeting you guys! Byyyee!”

…and now, like the Cardinals of 2010, the Detroit Tigers have signed Penny to one year deal, as if Detroit needed more things to talk a big game about how everything is great and then crap the bed and whine how it’s not their fault. We aren’t sure how one could spin the economy in to being the reason why Penny’s arm will fall off in mid-June, but we can’t wait to hear the explanation.

via STLToday

Poor poor Brad Penny, he just wants people to like him, which in today’s society means he needs more Twitter “followers”. Apparently he needs as many as possible so that all the people in the world can enjoy Penny exploring the deepest caverns of the human existence on Twitter with questions like: “Any ideas on what movie we should c tonight?“

He would come over and toss you a baseball but…you know…his arm might fall off which would mean trouble for the right-hander’s plans to get another team to give him millions for 3 or 4 starts and free access to the team’s training facilities. It’s like the best gym membership ever!

Of course, he could give the money back as one reply to his request for more followers suggested:

“How ’bout you send back 7.5m for your season o suck?” Zing! Now the smart man would just leave that be and not reply to this @jeffgentry13, but we’re talking about Brad Penny here. He always replies to Twitter jabs.

Yeah @jeffgentry13! Of course he’s not going to entertain the thought of giving the money he earned working out and not playing for the 2010 season.  If only there was a way to really let this guy have it, close the deal on this guy…you just need to think of the perfect insult. You can do this Brad Penny! What ya got?!

Nailed it.

Brad Penny, he of his hot girlfriend, perfectly square head and a handful of games as a Cardinal in 2010, took to Twitter yesterday to say he’s sorry for not being around much this year. He’ll tell you what though! Next time, he’s going to pick us all up one weekend, take us for ice cream, go to a movie, and then the park! Anything you want Cardinal fans, it’ll be your day! No, this time he’s not lying…not like July, August, and September. He’ll be there. Promise!

A ton of cards fans on here. Sorry about last season. Injuries are unfortunately part of the game but I enjoyed suiting up to play i’n [sic] front of some of the best baseball fans i’n [sic] America.

Penny even took the time to return fire on JoeSportsFan’s Matt Sebek’s equation of Penny to another dead-beat Cardinals pitcher:

Sick burn dude.

Honestly though, if you have to blow out your shoulder, say you’ll be back in a few weeks and then get never seen from again, going out with a grand slam is way better than saying “I’m going to get some ice. Be right back.”

Look at that picture of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Brad Penny. That is one square head and neck combo is it not?

Is that attractive? Do girls like heads that look like a tree stump with ears glued on the side? Is this what you want? Eliza Dushku, Alyssa Milano, and whoever the hell this chick is apparently all think so as Penny has dipped in to each of their pine tar at one point or another.

We’re confused.  I mean the guy’s pitching his ass off so far, so really as long as he keeps winning, we’re cool, but its hard to believe a guy that looks like his head was formed by pushing playdough through the square hole on the spaghetti maker is able to pull tail as good as the list above.

Freaking jersey chasers.

Any blog chasers please hit us up: 314-266-TIPS

I feel like we let you down.  We were right on top of Matt Holliday’s wife, but we missed new Cardinal starting pitcher Brad Penny’s sexier half!

Luckily Cardinals Diaspora has it covered.

Wait, Brad Penny? The Pitcher?

I did a double take too, friends. But it’s true. And lucky for us he decided to take his babe to Turks & Caicos last week and have her play catch.

On the beach.

In a bikini.

Here’s to you Brad Penny.  We always thought you looked like the guy from SmashMouth but apparently that works for some broads.  In fact it worked on Alyssa Milano.  Who looks like this:

Jesus, its like this guys privates are made of dark chocolate.

In a related story Ray King recently drew a face on a pillow and named it Sarah.