Lindenwood University’s Belleville campus used to have a statue in anchored near the Welcome Center, but that statue was stolen because it’s St. Louis, and even weird statues anchored in concrete are no longer safe.

Investigators are trying to get to the bottom of an art heist in Belleville.

Not quite sure this counts as an “art heist”. We we think of art heists, we’re assuming an elaborate scheme to steal a Mona Lisa-type piece, and involve at least one hacker, one super hot chick, a smooth leader and one black dude to be the one that has to start a distraction when the shit goes down…not two assholes walking straight to it at 2:30am, pushing it over, throwing it in a ditch and then coming back for it with their truck.

Made of stainless steel and glass, it was nearly nine feet tall. It was the work of artist and Marianist monk, Brother Mel Meyer.

The sculpture was worth about $8,500, but to people on campus, it was priceless.

…eh, probably not “priceless”. $10 says most kids that go there had no idea that statue existed. Stealing is wrong of course (and pointless because rarely do thieves have nice high-ceiling apartments able to aptly contain an upright statue, so it’s just going to end up in the garage and Mrs. Thief is going to be all like “I don’t know why you steal these things if they’re just to to stack up with all those bread makers you stole back in the 90s!”) but it still seems like we’re putting too much greatness in to a sculpture that lived on the lawn on some remote campus of a local college in Illinois.

Belleville Police have been called in to investigate.

“Our initial thoughts are somebody wanted it for a gag or for the value of it, either resale or scrap. There’s any number of possibilities,” said Capt. Don Sax.

Well it sounds like there were just three, and we doubt that anyone’s going to try and resell or scrap it, so we’re down to the “gag” reason. If that’s the reason, it seems like it would be easier, and just as funny, to poop on it. Less lifting involved and the the only planning required would be a Taco Bell run.

via KSDK

A Belleville woman fought off an attacker that came up from behind her while jogging, pulled down her pants and jumped on top of her. He was going to go with flowers, but thought it seemed to cliche.

“Fortunately, she was able to fight him off enough, get up, get her wits together and took off running,” said Captain Don Sax with the Belleville Police Department said. “She began screaming as she was leaving and fortunately there was some other people on the trail that were on bicycles that were coming towards her so she ran towards them, they came towards her.”

Unfortunately the attacker got away while the woman was fleeing and police are looking for any information they can get.

In other news, between this and our other story from earlier today, Belleville, Illinois seems like the most perverted, drunken, and scary place on the earth right now.  Which means East St. Louis, IL falls to number 2 on that list for the first time in over 20 years! Congratulations East St. Louis, you’ve really not earned this at all, and we’re sure it won’t last long, so fire another policeman and celebrate!

via KSDK

Oh moms! They always go too far and end up embarrassing you, like the time that a Belleville mother came home drunk, yelled at her four kids and eventually started chasing them around the house with a knife. Oh and then when the cops came to get her she kicked one right in the balls.

Someone’s sure earning her “Best Mom Ever” sweatshirt this year!

This totally reminds us of our mom who used to be there when we got home, be totally sober, make us dinner and then tuck us in to bed….but no story. What is that crap?! She might as well have chased us with a knife and kicked a cop in the balls. Sure the knife would have had peanut butter on it because she was making us sandwiches for lunch the next day and then write us a little note in there so we’d see it later and know how loved we were, but still, pretty inexcusable. If we didn’t take out all of our aggression and sexual angst on sleeping homeless people, our therapy bills would be huge with that kind of abuse at home.

via KMOV

It’s Halloween weekend, so we’ll be cool about it scaring the crap out of that chubby little girl, but slashing tires? I thought things that looked like this stayed under bridges most of the time!

Belleville Police report that Susan L. Stone, 48, of Lenzburg, Ill., also known as David Stone, has been charged with two counts of criminal damage to property related to several tire slashings there.

Why would David/Susan go off on some tires? Who the hell knows, but if she’s crazy enough to think he can pull off calling himself “Susan” anything is possible.

Oh also, according to the Riverfront Times, she dances. Why the hell not right?

David L. Stone, who also goes by Susan L. Stone, has become a regular presence at local festivals where she dons a pink tutu and a series of feather boas and performs as “The Dance of Life Dancer.”

All we know is if this troll wants to keep looking like a Batman villain, it better step up its crime-game from tire slashing and petty theft right away. Isn’t there a death ray available or something she should be doing to the water supply?

Happy Halloween!

via STLToday

[Editor's Note: Updated wording to be more clear that we are making fun of the fact that she's a pretty ugly little criminal, and not the fact that she's transgendered. Nothing wrong with that.]

Who wouldn’t want to wake up to that face in the morning? Apparently this snooty broad from Belleville who got all uptight when she woke up to see a homeless guy (above) standing in her room.

According to police, the man was found inside the home in the 100 block of East Monroe last Thursday. The Victim woke up, screamed and the suspect left her room. Officers came and arrested the man without any incident.

Sure its not the holidays for another few months, but can’t people just let a guy sneak in to their house while they sleep and then creepily and calmly stare at you until you wake up? Dust to dust man! We’re all people on this earth, just trying to get along, stay warm and find a good place to steal some silverware for drugs after rubbing one out while watching strangers.

The intruder was charged with one count of criminal trespassing. The woman was sentenced to never being able to sleep soundly again.

via KMOV

A community pool in Belleville had to shut down yesterday, during one of the hottest days ever in the history of time. Sure the water felt nice on such a hot day, but did it feel puking and parasite nice? Not sure. Maybe just invest in a Slip n’ Slide.

The health department told the city to use more chlorine after one swimmer became sick. After that, three more swimmers became ill.

Those kids sound like little pussies. You want to go to the local pool? You gotta be tough. Parasites just one of the many pool related dangers afoot! Pee, poo, parasites, bitchy moms, fat people that don’t do us the courtesy of a cover-up t-shirt, or worse yet fat people that do wear a t-shirt in the pool, but go with a white one! What the hell is that? How is that helping anything? In fact seeing that translucent fabric clinging to your man boobs and back rolls might be worse that just going shirtless. How do they not know that thing about white becoming see-through in water? Haven’t their parents ever been to Spring Break?

Then there’s the poor kids that just come up and wear regular shorts in the pool. Sure there is nothing structurally wrong with regular shorts in the pool, but what the hell? Swim trucks seem like they can’t be that hard to come by and its not like they go out of style. …don’t get us started on the cut-off jeans swimming trunks, aka swim jorts. There’s no reason for those. People with those deserve their parasites.

via KMOV